The material presented
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I'm new here and will need to do a proper introduction when I have more time (I'm sneaking on at work). I'm 48 years old with two teens. Married ...to an alcoholic. My stepmother is also an alcoholic. In both cases I'm guilty of just ignoring the issue and seething. Stepmom is always an embarrassment at social functions...my children won't bring friends anymore...she has also started falling a lot (age and alcohol)....last weekend she sprained her ankle at a family Christmas party. Of course it was 'knees' giving out and not the fishbowls of wine at fault. My brother and I have decided to speak to my Dad and set up some boundaries but want to wait until after the holidays as he will be devastated. My heart hurts so much for him as he is an amazing man...too caring and nice for his own good perhaps. I am hosting Christmas dinner as I normally do. My dad and stepmom will be coming. I dont want my dad to be alone at Christmas. Ideally I would address this with Dad before Christmas but I really don't want to cause him upset and stress...his health isn't the greatest as far as his heart. I typically try to dilute my SM wine....although at some point she normally starts to self serve (she brings her own...I don't drink when she is around and hide all my own wine if I have any in the house). Would it be wrong to dump her wine and replace with non alcoholic wine in the bottle? I would like to avoid the normal drama and upset caused by the inappropriate things that come out of her mouth...not to mention a trip to the ER. I suppose she will notice...so perhaps dilution is my only option.....failing a Christmas day intervention. Yes I also need a plan to deal with AH but he causes me less grief ...drinks on his own....goes to sleep. Thanks in advance for any ideas!
-- Edited by SisterKate on Thursday 14th of December 2017 12:03:56 PM
-- Edited by SisterKate on Thursday 14th of December 2017 12:12:15 PM
It is a tough time of the year. So many dreams and expectations... Alanon will offer support, experience strength and hope where ever and whoever you are.
Smiling faces, against all the odds. I am the first one up here- so I get to be the greeter! ... keep coming back... take care... ... ... -DavidG.
Hello SisterKate and welcome What you describe is so familiar to many of us here. Several of us will be nodding our heads as we read. Yes, that's how it goes. With attending AlAnon meetings, I came to know what I could do and what I cannot do. I cannot change someone else's behavior or what they say. I can't change them in any way. I can slowly come to understand techniques learned at meeting that decrease my misery. You are not alone. You will find hope for yourself. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Jill on Thursday 14th of December 2017 12:08:13 PM
Welcome to MIP SisterKate - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. It took me a while in this program to outlaw booze in my home but that's what I did. Trust me when I say that most of my family is unwilling to come and that's OK with me. My husband sneaks/drinks/??? in his man-cave and that's improved as his disease has destroyed his heart. My A Sons both live on their own and currently are dry/sober. My mother, also an A, had 2 falls in short order and has 'quit drinking' - which means she's drinking less.
I can't change them but I can declare my home, my events, my parties dry. It has served me well. I've made 2 exceptions and the first everyone drank responsibly and the second event, nobody bothered to bring/drink alcohol. Keep in mind that those who over-indulge are in complete denial that they have a problem or are the problem, so anything else I considered or tried was not very successful.
Keep coming back and welcome to the MIP family!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the words of encouragement...I suggested to my brother that we make all family functions dry now....I'm only sad about the fall out and hell it will cause my Dad. And I really do want him to still participate. My H has a man cave too. He doesn't drink every night...likely every second....and a lot. He will do this in his cave and then go sleep on a couch. Sadly I like these nights better.
Would you recommend that I put forth responsible drinking for Christmas dinner vs blowing the family apart now? And going forward insist my house is dry?
Also wondering what people think if me switching out her wine for the non alcoholic brand?
Thank You Serenity! This is the first time I've reached out versus just ranting to my friends. It helps to connect with others who truly get what life is like!
We really try to share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) vs. give advice - that may be why you're not hearing too much about the switch out. I can tell you with many over-indulgers in my large, extended family -- every trick in the book has been tried. Adding water, switching out substances, hiding, asking, begging, compromising, etc. It was after being in this program for a while and realizing it was my house and I had every right to make choices that worked best for my sanity that I went 'dry'....
We have many tools in Al-Anon - one of the first that made my head 'click' was JADE - Don't or Stop Justifying, Arguing, Defending and/or Explaining. I just announced my choice as kindly as possible in such a way that there was no discussion. I probably had an easier time as I am a double-winner - sober in AA for a long, long while.
This disease affects us as family and friends in so many ways. I really didn't realize how much until I started recovery. I do encourage you to attend a few meetings - and yes....it's much safer to share with others who really understand the chaos/drama this disease brings. I have friends who would always listen but I could tell they were unaware of how best to offer any assistance other than advice. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I totally understand your desire to keep your celebration alcohol-free. My experience of this is that alcoholics always have their own bottles with them (in tiny airline bottles if need be, so no one sees them). So you might not serve alcohol at the meal but she will dash into the bathroom or disappear around the door for a second and drink. That doesn't mean you have to serve wine with dinner. But pouring out the alcohol and replacing it with something else is a lot of trouble for you and probably won't affect what happens at all. Their whole lives revolve around having constant access to alcohol - I mean to a degree that's hardly imaginable to the rest of us.
I think if it were my dinner, I just wouldn't serve wine. I never serve wine on Christmas or other holidays anyway - I didn't grow up in a family where we did that kind of thing. If there are a lot of alcoholics around, they might gripe or push back or bring out their own bottles or whatever. So you'd have to decide what you're okay with. After a lot of consideration and preparation, I just don't host meals where alcoholics might come. That may not be a decision you want to take with such short notice. But it's an option for the future.
We can't control whether they drink. But we can control whether we serve it to them, and whether we have drinkers in our house. Some of these are not easy decisions, and I hope you have a meeting and maybe a sponsor to help you work out the goal and the methods.
Thanks Mattie...really good point about the secret stash. I just won't serve any......my deceptive plan was really just so my kids didn't have to witness drunk Grandma again....and to avoid the falls, broken plates, etc. I really wish I could just not invite her....but I just can't do that to my Dad. Perhaps by the next family occasion I will have had the courage to talk to him and support him in putting up boundaries.....or at least boundaries for when she's out in public. So tired of this. I hate alcohol.
Iamhere....thanks to you as well. Being brand new I wasn't sure what to expect from the board. I appreciate you explaining about experience vs advice. I also appreciate you sharing your advice. I need to figure out how to go dry....and try to maintain my relationship with my Dad. It really puts the poor man in a bad spot. He doesn't deserve this. There is also the issue of my H who also has a problem with alcohol. I guess I have a few goals for 2018.
Thanks to all for the welcome and the insight. I haven't joined a real life group yet. Joining this online forum is the first thing that I've done.
Just keep absorbing all that you can and find meetings when time allows! I do understand about your dad - my dad was actually relieved when I went dry as my mother's consumption was extremely unpredictable. It was one of those things where I expected an outcome that was really different than what I thought. You'll find your way and sounds like you have good support with your brother. Keep coming back - it does get better with practice and program!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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... keep coming back... take care... 
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... -DavidG.