The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure if I can eloquently ask my question or share my thoughts but here it goes: I've only been in AlAnon just over a month. I'm going to meetings and learning tools, slogans, etc. However, I'm feeling guilty because I'm really feeling defeated and I realize that I'm happy and calm/more at peace when my AH is not home. (As in I look forward to the fact he's gone.) Right now, I'm at home full time but do intend to find a job within the next 6 months - God willing. Here's the question: am I getting ahead of myself or doing myself and my marriage a disservice if I'm already grieving the loss of this relationship? I have always tried to look at our marriage as a partnership - at least that's how it started before the disease took hold - and now the AH is definitely not holding up his end. I understand life ebbs and flows as it's not 50/50. I also know that, even though I'm not to take it personally, I can't continue to live being verbally abused and emotionally disconnected. Or is that how most people do it living with active alcoholics? I just don't think I can......
On focusing on what I need, number 1 - I need sleep. I've now asked my DH to either setup the extra trundle bed in the basement or sleep in my DD's room and she can sleep with me. His snoring and untreated sleep apnea keep me awake and disturb my sleep - both of which are not present when he's sober or not saturated with alcohol. I feel guilty because I know this could push him into hating himself even more but yet I need sleep. I've also become disgusted with the distillery smell that permeates from his pores.
I guess I'm just wanting to make sure I'm detaching correctly. I want to make sure I'm not doing additional damage but the other part of me is telling myself that there has already been serious damage done.
I think grief is a huge part of alcoholism. For me, I grieved each time he drank because I felt abandoned so often. I slowly but surely grieved my fantasy of what life should or would be like without his drinking. I didnt know he was sick and that I was sick, I thought he was choosing to not be present or be the husband and father i thought he should be so its grief on lots of levels. There is an alanon book on loss that might help on that front.
I think in alanon reality comes into view for us and we let go of the expectations we once had and we accept what is and what is not.
I was also subject to verbal and at times physical abuse due to this disease and somewhere inside I believed I deserved it. I carried so much guilt. I got more self esteem through working the steps and meetings and through becoming aware of what was going on. I learned that the disease is cunning and will use any tactic to continue the drinking and aggression and verbal abuse is a tactic just as playing the poor me card. I found the 'Detachment' leaflet the best thing ever at first. I learned what unacceptable behaviour was and that if I accepted it I was enabling the disease to thrive so I had a part to play.
I began to not accept unacceptable behaviour. The first thing I did was stop JADE - justify, defend, explain and argue. These were useless and left me frustrated. The drinker cant and wont hear our side. Reason has left long ago, so all that stopped. I kept it simple by stating that I wont listen to name calling and then most importantly I showed that I wouldn't listen to it by leaving the room, quietly and calmly, no dram, no arguments. If they followed me to continue any verbal abuse I left the house again quielty and calmly. This took about 1- 2 weeks of consistently doing this and he got the message and it stopped.
The best bit, I got to trust myself that I had made a decision to not allow myself to be verbally abused ever again and I haven't been since.
We cant change another person only us so the abuse only stops when you choose to stop accepting it.
There isn't a correct way to detach. Detachment takes practice. It's pretty normal to feel gulit when you have been carrying more of the load. I slept separately from the now ex A for a l9ng time. I left the bedroom. He resented it deeply.
It is pretty n9rmal for us to judge ourselves. I.belueve rest and recuperation are essential components of life. I d8dnt get to carve out enough rest for myself. I got sick.
I feel grief when I see anyone throwing their life away.
I, too, felt guilty that I could not be at ease around my AH and had to detach. I felt ashamed and didn't want anyone to know about this, but I had to move myself and my stuff into a different bedroom, so I could sleep. I remember the smells that you mention. I was in a constant state of stress. I felt grief at the loss of what I believed a marriage should be, and what ours was until the disease progressed.
It helped me to remember the airplane safety message - put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help anyone else. It makes sense -- If I lose consciousness from lack of oxygen, I cannot help anyone or myself, I will be useless and a burden to others. So there should be no guilt in self-care ... it's necessary, I just had to adjust my attitude about it.
For me, detachment and recovery from the grief have been a long process ... one day at a time, step by step. I believe that's why it takes us 12 steps, not just one... it's not easy and does not get perfect all at once.
One thing that helped me, was the slogan that DETACH stands for Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her. That made me laugh (still does) and helped me have a lighter attitude. And once I realized that this program was about my recovery, I kept repeating to myself, "I deserve my own recovery. I deserve recovery." That helped me alleviate my guilt.
Eventually, my AH made amends to me, and this happened only after I detached and handed him over to higher powers.
Jtpickle, my thoughts are with you. You are not alone!
I believe what you are feeling is your feelings. They are neither right or wrong - they just are. There is no doubt grief and grieving are a huge part of recovery. We do find ourselves no longer willing/able to accept what's unacceptable. As we grow spiritually, we begin to value self and many things that used to happen make us uncomfortable. Keep in mind as you work the program, set up boundaries and put self first - it's not natural for most of us simply because we've spent so much time/energy chasing the tail of the dog = the disease.
I've heard in recovery that more will be revealed. This has been true for me. As I continue this journey, without any intent at times, random memories or thoughts pop into my head. These are events, items or 'life' I just hadn't yet given much energy to. I find it almost miraculous as each time, when I use this program and put me first, I learn more.
I do remember vividly that I had a physical reaction to hearing one of mine coming home. The garage door was a trigger and I almost immediately filled with anxiety and dread. I began to use the serenity prayer when this happened and was diligent about it. If that did not work, or all heck broke loose, I would slip away and call a program friend/sponsor. I have also heard in recovery that we must be willing to go to any lengths if we want to get well and I'd been so far down for my bottom, I really didn't want to return there.
I can't even remember now when I stopped freezing up at the sound of the garage door. I also can't tell you what program tool I used to 'cure' that. What I can say is that it did happen and I am no longer full of anxiety/fear and dread at the sound of a garage door. I also have never gotten any amends from any of my qualifiers, and let it all go. The lack of forgiveness and the resentments I held onto for so long were holding me back. I do believe that forgiveness of self and others is the key to total self-acceptance and unconditional love. That was the key that unlocked all the victim thoughts and feelings I had and changed my direction completely.
Self-care can feel 'awkward' esp. if we've been in the people-pleasing/care-taking of others role for any length of time. I still at times ask myself if this is what a 'normal adult' would ask for - a good night's sleep....I am often answered back with a 'heck ya' - no harm/no foul in asking for what we all need!!!
My best suggestion is just keep doing you. Take care of you. More will continue to be revealed and there is no shame in self-care and self-preservation!!! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry for the insanity you are experiencing (((HUGS)))
My husband is an addict - he was in recovery for many years (a decade +) and recently relapsed into a bunch of compulsive behaviours including drinking.
In my experience, trying to have a "partnership" with him while he is in active addiction was totally crazy-making. He would agree to things and not follow through, not work enough. From his perspective I understand a little more now, he is in a world of pain most days, with self-hatred and cravings making him mad. What does it matter to him that there is no money in the bank. But for me, that would cause a heart attack and I would scream at him to make him "understand" how bad things were. It was insanity all round.
I should be honest with you that we are in the middle of planning a separation and unless some miricle happens, which I haven't ruled out, I am planning to proceed to divorce. Only once I got to this point of detachment could I see how futile my efforts to be his partner were. Now I can look at the insanity with a bit of distance because I know I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself.
I started reading the posts here a lot. And doing online and phone meetings because I don't have F2F available where I am.
It's hard. But I am getting there.
