The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am at a point in life when everything is okay- as good as it could be.
My SO is okay too- after addressing her addiction 5 or 6 years ago... there will always be "moments" in a relationship- but these moments are getting fewer and far between.
I was going to talk about "boundaries" and was then starting to wonder if boundaries were conference approved. I know if I got right out of line someone would gently chide me. They would talk it through with me... and I do have the right to explain and the right of reply.
A lot of members wanted certainty. And I needed certainty in my middle years. I think I am looking past that. I am thinking of opening up a lot more and maybe showing what the world is like, with those logjams removed.
Being able to trust a lot more.
It is not so easy in a F2F group- where people are busy, have their own issues, and there are always time restraints. Being here is a luxury and a privilege, which I am grateful for. I think it takes a bit of getting used to this format- but once mastered it is great!
I am learning to test my boundaries gently and respectfully. My communication skills used to be very limited. As I found out, my hearing was also limited- which made everything harder for me. Not so now. Yesterday I went to a two-hour course for volunteers. It was nice to be there with real people; most of them were women.
I used to fear these situations- like people would see how insecure I really was. Today I realise almost everyone feels this way, at some time or another...
it checked out okay for me- that my people skills are still there... and that I could give and gain from such a situation.
I find today that I may have younger members checking my boundaries, in Alanon. I am grateful for this... it connects me, in memory, to my own struggles. I had not known where to draw the line, in my world. Sometimes there was no line drawn between the generations, and between the genders.
I began to explore the idea of 'personal space'. I started by thinking about other people's personal space- and now my own. I had a lot of clutter in my back yard-and that became a focus. I put a bell there- in the almond tree- to be a focus for me- in my growth- to see if I could shuck off early years of poverty and defeat.
I do not focus on professional help so much. It is not so readily available in my country, anyway.
So the fear is- what I can and can't talk about... will what I say fit in?
I long ago learned to talk a bit of small talk. Launching into major matters of concern might not work anyway- even in Alanon!
Not to offer platitudes, especially at the end- but to say that I have heard-listened. Earned my place at the table- by letting go...
I know I am part of a team here... ...I do not have to do it all myself. Not any more...
I have been going a lot of choir work these last years... being in a group- being in a team took some time.
Recently I have exchanged "Christmas letters" with quite a few people... each one very different... but it shows me me. How much I have changed.
How much more relaxed I can be.
The point of setting up my backyard garden is not to work all of the time. The point is to spend time there and enjoy it.
I have rambled on here...but I think exactly the same things applies to Alanon. To carve out a niche for myself where I am known and respected. Where I have not hidden a lot of my trials. I have gotten the strength to front up to them. To confront them- instead of confronting the world.
I am sitting on my veranda here... looking out on the mountain... in summery old NZ.
Laptop on my knee.
Thinking of going to a Christmas gratitude meeting 30 mins down the road- on Monday...
thinking of reaching out a bit more- in my own community- reaching a balance with this rich vibrant internet community- so valued and valuable...
David, I hear ya on "do i fit??" issue, I used to feel that way and still struggle a bit at times..cyber sharing always felt safer, but ya know?? if I am my real self, the real me, not trying to be anything but me, it all seems to work out no matter what milieu I am in ..I just put on a smile, watch , observe, share if I feel like it, listen more than I used to, but as my confidence in me grows, I find myself less nervous around people..I will never be a social butterfly like my BFF but I CAN hold up my own in a conversation because I am not trying to be something I am not, not trying to impress, etc...One of the biggest things I liked about you is your sincerity, honesty, kindness, humour, openess and always willing to "look through the other's telescope" of life.........Just be you...Cuz the "You" of you is awesome..............HUGS
Hi David-I think you shared with us the growth you see in yourself, and I say Bravo! It took me years to have self-esteem and courage, and with my 4 1/2 years in program I am growing more and more. I used to only see my deficits and now I see my strengths. I try to achieve Serenity and balance and each day is different, but there is a consistent forward motion. Progress not perfection and ODAT, Lyne
I like your share this morning David and am grateful for it. It reminds me of my elder sponsor and my relationship was I was growing in Al-Anon...he was also wise and very supportive, I find this share supportive in that it's a male share where we don't get a lot of that and it gives texture to all of the awesome support I have received from the women.
I didn't have many boundaries and might not still as I sort of took the doors of the hinges of my life and let everyone and anyone run thru. I was told very early on that it was bad to do and even dangerous and then my "picker" worked real well then and I could pick and choose whatever, whenever I wanted. I can still turn off and on whatever situation I find myself with. I learned that is acceptance and that it is also the solution to all of my problems.
I hope to hear more of your mana`o in the future. (((hugs)))
Self-awareness and self-reflection are such awesome gifts I did not have before recovery. I honestly don't think I slowed yet alone stopped long enough to 'see me', 'feel' or even just be. I see your growth and hope you do too David! I believe any group you visit would be blessed by your spirit, your recovery and your person.
I try to pick a word/phrase each month and then focus on it each day. Last weekend, a couple program gal pals and I decided our word for 2018 would be authentic. We want to practice being authentic in every situation and become 'very aware' of when we are and are not. I was raised to always act as if we had the perfect family, the perfect home, the perfect ... and we did not emote. Today, as a result of recovery, those who came before me and a higher power, I can emote what I feel when I feel it. I carry way less shame/concern about this and it's been a blessing.
I've decided that fear is no longer bad in my being. Fear processed with recovery shows me even more about me that can be studied, dealt with and healed. Thanks for your wonderful share!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
