When I think back to Christmas before Alanon there were some good memories, im trying hard to remember it wasn't all bad but the drinking seemed to taint everything for me, every memory even when the kids were small and it was all magical. my mind was never fully on the kids or Christmas. Its as if alcoholism had taken part of my mind and that was that.

My mental obsession with the drinker meant I watched very closely as the drinking increased as the holidays got closer. I would sometimes join in the drinking at this time of year as if in a weird way there wasnt really a problem, everyone drinks at Christmas time, its normal and this constant drinking of his became a bit more normal. He never drank normal though, his drinking never came to a natural end like mine or others did.

He often brought chaos at this time of year, in some form or other. Whether it was aggression or the police or trouble of some sort, there was usually drama. He always had an enemy or some thing or person or institution that had done him wrong and I bought into that for a long time, believing that life was like that for some people, filled with drama and bleak scenarios and bad people out to get other people. Its like this dark cloud that fixes itself in the house of the disease.

Imagine my surprise coming into Alanon and learning that its all in the attitude of people. Alcoholism distorted my perception and his perception and my whole family. Anyway, at this time of year my fear would have escalated to verging on terror. I was terrified of everything that could happen and my mind would play it all out and i would feel the feelings as if it had happened. My yearly dread would begin October time and slowly get worse and worse, mirroring his drinking pattern. His disease and mine, side by side.

Coming to Alanon and embarking on a brand new spiritual way of life has provided me with tools for my old patterns of thinking. They dont go away but i get peace from them a day at a time and depending on my spirituality an the actions ive taken to have that precious conscious contact.

I thought it might be useful to share these tools or the ones I found most valuable at the beginning of my journey.

When fear builds I remember that all the what ifs... could be what if nots... and projecting into the future and sitting with my crystal ball is a choice and I have the choice not to look forward or back. Believing truly that everything and everyone in my life is right where they should be whether it looks good or bad to me. If im worried about a person then I can hand them over, I can visualise them in the hands of a power greater than me, i can trust that they will be okay and that they might get recovery just as i have. I can pray, get down on my knees, get low, get humble and ask for help to let go, just put it out there. I can get to more meetings, take action to ward off the symptoms of this disease that is powerful and takes my thoughts hostage. I can phone an alanon friend and ask for their perspective, remembering that my perspective has been flawed and damaged for many years and just releasing the perspective is good and hearing another perspective is even better, especially if its one of those that walk the walk. I can write it out and read it back and look for the truth in the words, this usually woks wonders for me and I often wonder if those words although mine are actually my higher power showing me the truth of me as long as im willing to see. 

This is how i get relief in hard times. Happy Christmas.x