The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my marriage six months ago because my husband's alcoholism had caused him to decline both physically and mentally. My departure shocked him into entering detox (a life threatening experience for him) and rehab. When he came out, he was much better and I allowed myself to be convinced that the whole issue really was untreated depression. I looked around me at other recovering alcoholics and could see that nothing is ever that simple, but either he was very persuasive or I wanted to be persuaded.
Where we are today: I am not returning to the marriage. I don't want it anymore, regardless of whether he is sober or drinking. He has now relapsed. Supposedly due to my decision to move forward with divorce. My 22-year old daughter chose to live with him, both out of love for him and out of a feeling of responsibility. Now she is in the difficult position of feeling like she has to leave as well because he is drunk again every day. She is worried about what will happen to him on his own. He is a closet alcoholic so it is often difficult to tell whether he has been drinking. The primary clue is a decline in attitude and behavior.
I feel like the clock just rewound to six months ago. I want to get my daughter out of there. I don't know how to help him. His parents are in denial. The only things I have thought of so far are to:
1. Write him an email that lays out (kindly) exactly how I feel, what I wish for him in terms of health and acceptance, that I will not be returning, and that I would like our daughter to move out. I understand that I cannot control all these things but I would like to be honest and shine the light on the issues.
2. Get my daughter to Alanon. So far, she has resisted. Lots of reasons: shame, Alanon officially makes her dad an alcoholic, it means she is troubled too...
Any experience strength, and hope is much appreciated. Beth
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I too had to leave after my AH was in rehab and relapsed. The addiction is very strong.
My A never "got" it no matter how much I explained it to him, so in my experience, when we spell things out for them, it's really so we can tell ourselves we tried. But what speaks more plainly than any words is our actions. Of course if they are still drinking, they will twist around any words or actions so that we are actually being "unfair" or "spoilsports" or "too picky" or "not giving them a chance." Any manipulation they can try to try to maintain the illusion that the drinking is not a problem.
I'm sorry about your daughter too. I hope she is able to find help for herself soon.
((Gratefulforthefuture)) i am so sorry that you are experiencing the results of this painful relapse. Knowing that we are powerless over this disease, I support your list of things to do.
Getting your daughter to alanon is a great first step If she is unwilling to attend then I would bring home some literature from the meetings such as:"Alcoholism the Family Disease" and the"Just for Today" Bookmark. I know that AA makes 12 Step house calls so that calling AA Inter-group in your community and asking or a 12 Step call might help .
Hi grateful
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this painful experience of relaspse. Its truly awful.
My husband also relapsed after many years of sobriety and I am now also on weighing the decision to leave my marriage.
I feel for your daughter as well, I grew up feeling this same mix of responsibility/fed up-ness with my parents as they were also heavy drinkers and they were quite unpredictable and often going through difficult things that they shared with me. It was very hard. Things that helped me come to terms with this were therapy, but it wasn't until ending up in my own addicted marriage before I realised the extent of the bad thinking patterns I had set up as a teen.
I was successfully encouraged to go to AlAnon by friends so I can share about what got me here. I had one friend who was like "wow you really need to go to alanon" and I took it as a criticism. I was like - seriously, he's the one with the problem!!!" But then another friend shared that she was also married to an addict and that CODA meetings had helped her and told me about all the positive change it made in her life and gave me the details of the meeting she went to. That was a much more successful approach.
(((grateful))) - the disease is maddening and progressive. We've gone through many, many relapses and it's so, so hard and disappointing. For me, I had to do what I could for my own recovery - lean into the program, more meetings, etc. I am a huge believer in attraction rather than promotion and perhaps if your daughter sees your ability to carry-on in lieu of the disease, it may help her understand more about how Al-Anon works....just a thought.
I'm sending prayers for all - including your AH. Coming back into recovery after a relapse has been very, very difficult for many I know. The shame, disappointment, etc. is big and the denial returns with a thundering clap. Be gentle with you and stay present - I do believe HP knows what's best for us all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hope you are taking care of you. I have learned with my daughter there are things she has to "come to" on her own one of those is her relationship with her dad and how damaging for her it really is. At least at this point and she's not willing to put herself through a lot given how much is on her plate. I have encouraged alanon however she's fighting me and honestly I lack the energy to explain why it would be a good thing. In my own "coming to" moments, my girl has got to figure a few things out on her own. I can waste my breath or live the program and I'm trying to balance between the two.
If it will make you feel better to write everything out without the expectation that anything will come of it .. go for it. You have no power over his addiction waiting for the proverbial lightening to strike and make him see the light is not going to happen. These are all "come to" moments that need to be of the A's making. I believe that I do have the right to verbalize how I feel letting go of any expectation that things will be different. I have to let it go after that.
Big hugs,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha Grateful and thanks for the trust on the board. My HP already has the prayers and support requests as I am sure the others have already done. I read your post and remember my own similar journey with my alcoholic/addict wife with first lessons being regarding expectations on my side. I killed all of my expectations on suggestion by my sponsor so that I would not continue to wait around the corner for things to come out my way which finally they did just as you stated in your number 1. statement. She did get clean and sober with me no where in sight and only my HP in watch. When and how she did was a message and example to me about humility...being teachable...as she did the first two weeks of rehab with a bag over her head...when asked by her counselor "why" she said, "I have learned that if I don't allow myself to be led blindly thru the program, I will not make it". That is still my metaphor for humility and I haven't seen or heard of her for 24/25 years.
I pray your husband well and hope he like so many others recovery. Relapse is a part of the disease and not the only part. Keep coming back and let us know how things go...you and your daughter are included in the prayers. ((((Hugs))))
