Not really Al-anon, but MAYBE a tad???? Ya think???? - Al-Anon Family Group

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Not really Al-anon, but MAYBE a tad???? Ya think????

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi "Little Sparky" I would trust my gut and keep this relationship on the email level and if it goes to telephone calls you can sense his spirit and decide. Positive thoughts for you and your family. Glad you are enjoying the new gym

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Better to be too picky than not picky enough. That said, I have kind of a phone phobia or phone aversion - it just makes me really nervous to talk on the phone - so I'm sure people have wondered why I "don't just pick up the phone, it's simple enough." If you had other reasons to think this guy was looking like a good guy, I'd think you might overlook the phone stuff and get to know him further before deciding. But if your spidey sense is tingling, maybe wise to call it a day.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Mattie, I just can't bond in cyberspace..I have issues enough with bonding and cyberspacing is keeping a distance TO ME , anyway....however , that said, I am just plain not interested...his Emails are not interesting, not sharing anything about himself....and yea, my "spidey" sense is saying "call it a day" there is zero interest on my part and I am a verbal, fac2fac type person if there is any hope for me to bond with another...I had a recovery buddy who is phone phobic and she wants to email me now all the time...USED to be, we talked...I am cutting DOWN on my cyberspacing and I hate typing long stuff so the friendship, tho I will always love our memories, sharing and caring over the phone where we could trade emotions, feel each other's vibes, now its so steril...so yea, I am not as close to her anymore....I have to do what works for me and what is best...I guess cyberspacing does not work for me because There is life to be lived..people to maybe, hopefully hug and voices to be heard...I want to be a part of that....I get it with folks who don't want to speak on phone...I respect their boundary/need but I am also gonna do what is best for me, what meets MY needs and cyberspace does not meet my needs, not in a personal relationship....yea, GREAT for recovery but not in personal life.....I can't bond.....Maybe its because I was "held back at a distance" from the dam who never loved and hugged me, just shoved me in my cage and left me there...or locked me and younger siblings out of the house so she could drink, not caring if we were hungry or cold , NEVER remember a hug from her....so bonding issues I do have...

I guess I am not saying I'm right and he's wrong, I'm just saying that this does NOT in any way meet my needs or encourage me to spend less time on computer and more time out in life...I set a boundary on me...how much do I spend on computer and when time is up??? thats it....I am OUT doing life..seeing friends...trading those hugs......my daughters feel the same way I do....they want to hear my voice...have as much of me as they can being long distance.....

thanks Mattie for your honest share.....and I get how you feel about the phone...There are many like you who feel that way and I never insult any of my past close relationships for not wanting to TALK with me, I love them and respect them, but I am going to get my needs met so I changed ME and how long I will be on the computer and it is less...Yea, one of them complained that I don't answer her emails fast enough and I told her , she wants no phone, I am willing to cyberspace but want a lot less of it so she has to deal with my response as she is the one who set this change in motion..., I'm gonna do what is best by me and for me....sorry, but it is what it is....My dead sisters younger daughter is famous for this....time to text, but no time to call, but she DOES call her friends..I know for a fact, her own sisters say the same thing..oh well..it is what it is but I don't share anywhere near as much with her as I do with the other relatives........then, LOL, she texts me wanting to know IN A TEXT "what were my grandparents like??" I told her if she wants to know that badly, a long thing like that----CALL me ...I use texting for business...thats the only reason why I even have it.......

Anyway, I hope your week is starting off good...I'm gonna run my fat dog who needs to lose weight, then do my work out, then its off to another favored thrift shop to browse the place..last time there, I got a great winter jacket with tags still on.........See ya

2HP · Senior Member

I applaud using the fellowship as a sounding board but wonder if your post isn't about something I do sometimes... send out mixed messages. In your first paragraph you indicate that YOU wanted to start an email relationship... to test the waters through cyberspace you wrote... then you gave him an incorrect number for reaching you properly....

and when he does what you asked him to do (email) ...you become suspicious and start building a case against him.

Like you, I have been affected by alcoholism and want to protect myself too... I want to be responsible... avoid making mistakes ... so sometimes, I'm just flat out suspicious of people, comes from my old conditioning, the old tapes still humming along.

You could be 110% right about this guy

or perhaps a start fresh would clear up the confusion that YOU may have caused.

... an inventory would give you clarity.

True story, someone dear to me had met a man in a grocery store... she was still wearing her scrubs after getting off work and he made it very obvious to read her credentials on her badge when he said hello. This sent up red flags for ME when she shared it with me... he came on way too strong for a meeting in a grocery store! However, she could NOT see it, she wanted to believe in love at first sight....

Months had passed, and she was forced to acknowledge he needed her for financial security, so I am suspicious of grocery store encounters. Our lessons come EVERY day from everywhere.... in "support" of us because I do believe, nothing in God's world happens by mistake (((hugs)))

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW!!! 2HP, great points...I did say email AND lets chat, too but didnt' set a "schedule" for him......your story about your friend meeting the guy in the grocery really "hit a note" with me.......THIS guy I met has an old truck he drives around for the "company" when he told me he had his own window cleaning service and gave me a card??? I smell he isn't very well off, financially and your friend's story really resonated with me......Also, when I called him and left the VM, I know, I know he had my business phone, why not try that if he got wrong number??? I didn't go into all the details because I really wasn't all that interested from the "get go" and its even less now and i got an "icky" feeling when I called and left VM for him and he didn't return my call??? sent me an email days later??? SAYING he got my call?? LOL...the more I think about this the more I see that yea, maybe I gave mixed messages on day one, but I CALLED HIM after a few emails because I was wanting to trade info with him on a voice...to feel his vibes...to "sniff him out" to see if his stories matched when I asked him ???s about stuff..... I can't on cyberspace and when i would try, he would keep it real generic..

I am absolutely amazed at the nurse in the grocery store meeting the "financially needy" guy.....for some reason, your well timed story resonates with me HUGE.....I mean I was at the coffee thingy, trying to find the decaffeinated coffee to grind myself and he just comes up and gloms right onto me......Wants my phone, gives me his card, the ONE thing that "softened" me enough to give him my number is that he helps his aged old dad....I spoke with my male friend across the street whom I am best friends with and laid the whole story on him and he knows the details, anyway because he and I share everything with each other and HE said he had a funny feeling about the guy especially when he emailed me when I CALLED him , he emails and doesn't return my call, "K" thinks hes got something to hide like maybe a wife or live in GF??? who knows, but my buddy wasn't comfortable at all when HE stayed cyber and I was , by my phone call, willing to bring it to voice..........AND get this!!! He says in Email...he wants to take me out on a day (Sunday, I think) and wants to arrange this meet via cyberspace??? My pal really got nervous over that.... I am not gonna meet a guy who can't return a phone call and cannot/will not give me basic info about him..ALL of his emails, as I recall were about broken down old trucks an company owner is gonna get him a newer used truck and just REAL "not about him" stuff that I can't do anything with...

and I think it is probably a "done deal" by now because the last 2 "E's" of his, I deleted w/no answer.....I don't feel comfortable at all about him......and WOW!!! I wonder, if he, too, because I dress real cute and drive a nice car is HE looking for security??? I have heard so many bad stories about guys wanting to find a gal they think has money and they want to use her....I am the LAST one to try that crap on...Even my X's didn't get that, LOL

I SO appreciate your ??s to me and your input...I am doing a "self check" and I am not the best with guys..real cautious, but was willing to have a few phone chats to "sniff him out" to see what red flags arose, if any and to CHAT for a WHILE before I meet the guy...He seemed to be content with just email, THEN jump to step 5 or so with the meet for dinner.....It just was not comfortable for me..on the one hand he seems to prefer email, yet he wants to meet me for dinner without providing me with ANY info about him at all.......

Thank you for making me think more about this....and I know I am extra cautious since I was so "great" at picking guys in the past....Mixed messages?? yea, in the beginning, perhaps, but when I CALLED him, he has the incoming call there on his cell, so his saying he got wrong number?? sounds fishy because the incoming call, like when I get one and its not in my contacts, and I want to talk to this person, I save the call on "new contact" so no goofs.....honestly?? I dont' buy that he tried to call , even if I did screw up on #1 number, he had my business and if my memory serves me correct, I called him on my personal line.....had that been me?? and I got a wrong number, I would have immediately tried the business phone and say "gee , sorry to call the business line, but something is wrong with the number I have on personal" he did nothing but say days later in Email that he called and "they never heard of me"

Thank you for making me think...guilty on the over cautious thingy and maybe guilty on mix messages in very beginning but I did call him...and I am 90% sure it was on personal line....but still!! maybe this is a "tester" to see if "yours truly" is really gonna listen and pay attention...So far, I am doing both..Listening to what is said to me, and my instincts and pay attention to whats going on here.....

I hope your friend didn't get taken by the grocery store guy....I do not buy into "love at first site" never did and I still messed up because my head was messed up..now with program, I can trust me and trust my instincts..I pay attention way better...and there was a reason why you shared your friend's story with me...Someone in the universe is telling me something.....Your whole post is someone telling me "keep up the good program work and listen and be open to learn and pay attention to the signs--they come in all ways"

I hope your friend is ok and over her experience by now...On this I give me a B+ because in beginning I was kinda unclear/mixed about the email thingy to start off with, however, that said, I did reach out and call him to kinda let him know "hey lets chat" in fact I think on my message i said "hey , I just thought I would call and chat you up..sorry I missed you, lets talk soon" OR very close words to that effect.....

Take care...and I reeeeely like your avatar...another thing I am trying to practice on......acceptance!!!!!!!

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