The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a week today, that the alcoholic beat me, held me in the room and faced criminal charges for what he did. I have been having a rough week, shaking like a leaf, from anxiety. Things are so wonderful now, calm, quite, no crazy insane drunk screaming, yelling, hollering, chasing me around the house, screaming devils and witches get out of my house, this is my house, This is my house and me being scared out of my mind! I had been living in fear, anxiety, panic non stop and now, I am loving the quite, peace of the house! Just me and my daughter. I have changed the locks on the door so he can not come in. I have been attending meetings, and its been helping. I feel hope that I will move on.
After enduring what I have, I have made a promise to myself, never, never will I ever, ever live with a man again. Sober or not. I am done, completely done with living with a man ever, ever again! I am just done. I will live alone for the rest of my life thank you. I rather have a sane home to live in. Loneliness will not kill me. I have al-anon meetings to go to and this board if I get lonely. I have had enough and enough is enough! I am moving to a life of healing and happiness. I can not endure another insane relationship. I find the insane men so easily and now I am done with men, completely done! I will dance to my own music and not someone else's. I will be true to me only and stand by my truth.
I do not miss in the slightest the crazy, crazy drunk! I am not missing anything about him. When I start to think about the good qualities of him, I think, at what price? What is the price I must pay for the good qualities? What is the price? And as much as he is good when he is sober, or tries to be good, was I not scared? Was I not worried? Was I not anxious being around him? Was I not afraid still? Was i not fearful, he will yell and call me down even when he was sober? Will he not criticize me? Will he not make me feel uncertain, fearful? Is this is the price to the nice man he want others to see? He ties and wants to be and not able to? Is walking on egg shells when he is sober worth it? what is the price I am willing to pay? What is the price? Is he worth 1,000 dollars of pain? or can I give him up to an auction and let the highest bidder get him? This great price! This broken man that has nothing to offer anyone, used and angry and bitter, resentful, rageful, dangerous, very dangerous! The wheel is not stabilized well, has dents, bruises, but still functional, if you are a good a handy woman and can fix this broken car, have it! Its a antique of 57 years old and if you can fix the broken car and have the skills, money to repair it, please take it off my hands for good. I believe it belongs in the junk yard! It was brought to the auction as it still appears to be functioning but barley. So take it as it, it requires a lot of time and effort to repair it to the original state! It will need a new updated motor that is fuel efficient and a complete overhaul, as well as tires, and paint job, and possible transmission! It appears to be stuck on drive and reverse only, so the transmission will need to be checked! But for sure to motor requires an overhaul big time!
I have given up completely on this man, I am done for good and I can feel it! I will focus on me only and that is it.
Thanks for letting me share this for today! I am getting out of the house today and visit my older sister and enjoy my day!
Forgot to add, this car has no muffler, its loud and you can hear him coming from a long ways away! The noise will scare everything, and everyone away! So it may require a new state of the art muffler that is quite! lol
Joker...thanks for the memories of when I was where you are at now...I was also done and I let my alcoholic/addict wife represent all of the women on the earth...past, present and future. I would hang with the women of Al-Anon who shared the chaos of the disease with me and struggled for serenity with me. They were my pals, my buddies my "guys". I swore off intimate relationships with women as I nurtured a generic attitude with them. None were more beautiful, more smart, more interesting and I didn't care I was done I didn't have room for another "one". I turned my self over to the precepts of the program solely and became a follower. I got my mind, body, spirit and emotions saved and I was happier than I could ever imagine.
I learned to focus, focus, focus on my program of recovery and in the process pick up one tool that has stayed with me from the moment I found it and opened it up and read it and then read it again. It is titled JUST FOR TODAY and I readily liked how that centered me in the day, in the moment...that is all I have control over if I have control over anything. The first paragraph reads; JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
All of a sudden I felt the freedom of letting go of my past and what ever future that might be out there. It took away my habit of worrying about whatever might or ought to be...I found the opportunity to freely walk into the life of my Higher Power and ask..."guide me please" and my Higher Power once more agreed to it.
I had planned never to have another dedicated female relationship in my life and had learned a very important thought force regarding relationships. I learned how to say "I love you and I like having your here and I don't need you".
This year will be our 23rd anniversary of marriage to show you how plans of mice and men can go when we are determined to control outcomes and then my present wife (the third) completely understands the thought force and believes it also. We have love and not need. She knows I can have a life and live a life without a need for her to do it. She is not my Higher Power she is a wife. She cannot hurt me unless I allow what she does to hurt me...that is my responsibility and consequence. I didn't want to marry her and then we are married still. I didn't need to marry her and then we are married still. I made the choices as she was a good person then and now and if I found I had made a mistake...again...I could still correct it if it needed correcting. With the program whatever correcting I have needed to do or need to do now has been done.
Just for today I will try to live through this day only.
When I read your title my heart lifted. I thought you were talking about you having an overhall of thinking! I needed an overhall of thinking big time. My thinking became distorted and disturbed. The tape playing in my head was filled with anger bitterness resentment on and on all negative, each and every thought, negative. Its a horrible place to be, inside a head filled with all that pain.
Recovery begins when you take your eyes and mind off the drinker and look at you, use all that energy for looking at you, whats going on inside you. Its not easy but the drinkers obsession is the drink and our obsession is the drinker so both need a program of recovery.
The enemy is alcoholism not men or relationships, because when you look at victims of the disease its both you and him, hes no better off than you right now. Its a sad disease that has more than one victim.
Jerry puts it so beautifully and Im glad your going to alanon, work it like your life depends on it for you and your daughter.
