The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent the last two days, writing and writing all my anger and pain. I had a lot. Pages of pages of pure rage and pain. I just wrote and wrote and cried and cried. I cried hard. I feel so drained now, So drained. I feel Like there is nothing left inside me. I feel hollow. I am so tired now. I am exhausted. I realized my life has been a lie. A complete lie. I have lied to since birth, everything was a secret and lies. There was no truth to anything. Its no wonder I felt crazy! Then I get involved with people who are lairs too. I have lied to myself over and over again. That is all I knew, since birth. I am living a lie still with an alcoholic. I let these sick people lies become my truth. I accept it as gospel. The good news! The lies is the good news I was searching for! I have been saved by lies and accepted it as the truth! My truth. I put the lies in my heart, swallowed it all and made it my life! I accepted the lies in my heart, just like they say you need to accept Jesus in church, yep, I accepted Jesus all right, I accepted the lies and followed it, believed every word, every word of it, even preached it to anyone that would hear it! I am still trying to let this sink in. I have emotions like grief hitting me now. I have a ways to go yet. It felt good to let it out,really let this out, the anger! I hurt! I am going out to enjoy the sun now. Its sunny today. I am so grateful to be able to let this go, the hurt! I am going to a meeting tonight, a face to face meeting. I am so tired emotionally now. I am exhausted from crying so, so hard! I just have to just focus, get to a meeting and let the rest go! I was alone when I let this all go, and cry and cry! I am thankful no-one was around, they would have thought I lost my mind! Gone totally off the deep end! lol.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My anger held my body like it was tempered with heat and hammered all over. I was in deep pain.
I found tears was a relief. As a kid I actually taught myself not to cry- or to ask for help.
i say this same thing about Step 11. I was too far gone to pray or meditate properly. I was so exhausted step 11 would send me to sleep- if only for a few moments.
I found sleep to be healing. No kidding but I had more or less worked myself to death.
The next thing I learned to do was to breath properly. I was a very shallow breather- being in crisis mode since I know not when.
Learning to breath deeper opened up a lot of possibilities for me. Progress was very slow- hardly discernable- but now I can think clearly. My anger is within bounds. And my sadness no longer boundless. Fear I saw together... all locked together like a strong twisted rope.
I am not still free of pain but life is manageable. As well as a lot of things I had put up with I had a whole heap of physical pain...
coming to Alanon taught me to trust... and slowly to bond with other people in a safe way.
This too took a long time- but, yep, it was worth it. ...
Thanks so much for your share... it offers hope over and above all odds... a blessing... ...
Still see you making progress even though it is gut wrenching and hard. You are focusing on yourself. Kudos. Simple statements like "To thine own self be true" were a mystery to me at one time. Getting to know and love your authentic self IS soooo much of your recovery journey. You can do it!
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