The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last night my AH came home from being out with friends at a sporting event pretty intoxicated. Not shocking. He was apologizing as soon as he walked in for being drunk. My usual reaction would have been to get angry. I didn't! I used the tools I've been learning and it worked- FOR ME. I was calm and actually at peace?? He however was completely thrown off kilter- and proceeded to get agitated and tried to pick fights over any little insignificant thing. I didn't take the bait. I just went to sleep on the couch and that was the end of it!! Crisis averted. Yay!!
Here is my question though- this morning I texted him at work and told him his behaviour was unacceptable and abusive. He texted back saying sorry he was a jerk. So- did I practice detaching properly today by texting?? I'm learning slowly but surely.
(Elabella)) you did fine. Remember that detachment is a tool that helps us to Not REACT but to act in a healthy fashion. You did not react in anger but took care of yourself- did not surrender your serenity and engage with insanity. Instead you gave yourself the opportunity for a good nights sleep and then after being well rested, you said what you needed to say without being mean. Sounds good to me. Remember we are not to be a door mat nor are we to engage in every argument You did great.
I have to give you an A+ on your non-reaction and then responding! I'm getting better too so remember, progress not perfection. Also, say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I thought all the slogans and little sayings were so silly when I joined program over 4 years ago, but now I have respect for all of them and use them constantly. One Day at a Time has great meaning for me! Lyne
In the long run, what "we" think is immaterial... it is what YOU believe. But I totally get it! When you are new to program ways, you want to have validation that you are doing "it right." I know for me, getting that validation from "old-timers" was VERY important for me to keep moving forward.
For what it's worth, I think you did FANTASTIC!! Kudos!!!
You didn't REACT. Even when he tried to bait you with a fight (to justify his continued drinking behavior).
You removed yourself so that you could take care of YOU - detachment.
When rested & calm, you stated your boundary and you did not say it mean!!
Keep it up, recovery looks good on you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I also give you an A+.....I do remember the feeling of mini success the first time I just opted out of the 'dance'. It felt good enough to make me want more peace in my life and the only way I knew to get it was to work this program. You done great - and so spot on - One Day at a Time is so, so helpful. Keep doing you - it's working well!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i probsbly would be in jail for murder