The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am nearing a break down. I can feel it. I left the hotel and came home. I have not officially moved yet. I have not taken the apartment yet. I have to decide by tomorrow. I came home and thought I can manage. I am so wrong. I have my daughter with her mental health issues that I am dealing with. She is going down hill again. I have a call into the mental health team regarding her anger outburst at me, isolation, refuses to leave her room and do anything. I mean anything. She goes to the store to get her snacks and come home and not go anywhere. Today, I finally got her out and took her to my sisters home, to get her out of the house. I have concerns about her as well.
Then I got my own medical issues, have followed up with my doctor today. I have medical tests I have to complete, infection in my stomach test again, lung ex-ray, and surgeon next month for follow up . I feel I am going to have a break down. In addition, I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental issues. I was seeing a psychiatrist before but stopped as I got very, very sick. My doctor is referring me back to the psychiatrist, I had been seeing before I got very sick, not mentally, physically. I told her today, I need to get back on medication to help me and she said she can not put me back on anti depressants and it would be better if a psychiatrist followed up with me instead. I am willing to go back to the psychiatrist I had seen before as we worked good together until I got physically sick and nearly died. I am still having issues from all that and have not been able to work because of all these medical issues that I still continue to have. I have been sick, sick, and still having issues. That makes me angry. I may have the infection still in my stomach, as I have symptoms still. That is the reason I have asked for another test again. I tested negative for the infection back in July after being on numerous antibiotics. The first negative result in 2 years. I have this feeling the infection is back. So the tests begin again.
Then there is the alcoholic, drunk daily. Work and comes homes and get drunk. I feel so stressed. I am to move? In the middle of this madness? How in gods name am I to do that? How am to GET AWAY!
I try and not argue with him, but tonight I just flipped my lid. I just can not handle all of this. I feel like all this is on my shoulder and I need to find a way to get some sanity. I keep reading Al-Anon message boards and I will be going to a meeting this week again, a face to face meeting.
I am nearing my breaking point~
Be positive about the alcoholic being drunk daily? What is so positive about that, when I feel anger and rage and want some sanity. Hearing his drunk voice, my skin just crawls with rage. I get so mad, mad! I get triggered so bad I can not stand myself. I want to scream get help, what is wrong with you and I have done that and all he says is I am an alcoholic, I need to drink. As soon as I get off work, all I think about is drinking! I can not wait to get home and drink~his words not mine. He says, I am depressed-his words again. I said to him, get help, there is help out there. He says I am not ready-his words. I am so angry! So angry! I told him to go somewhere else and drink, he says this is my house, I am not leaving, you hear me, I am not leaving! I feel I am forced to either end up in the mental ward myself or I start to drink myself just to not care, not care what happens anymore. I care, that is who I am.
Detach? How do I detach from this madness? Call the police? what will they do? Nothing unless they see him in action going ballistic and they can hear him going ballistic on a 911 call.
Tonight I told him I am going to move out. I had enough. He said do it. Go ahead and do it, you have my permission. Leave I do not care. I have my job and the house.
I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I can not stand it anymore. I need to find a way to get some sanity. He will not leave. That is choice. I know that but with all my health issues, I need to get a sane home. I just can not move right now. How in gods name do I manage? How do I manage to deal with this nuts situation?
Dear god help me, before I go off the deep end myself. I am so fed up with trying to keep my sanity. I have tried and tried to talk about my situation with him, might AS well talk to the wall. He will not listen at all.Its all about him and the booze. Nothing, absolute nothing matters.He does not care if he is in the house with nothing. He just does not care or get it. He says I had nothing before in this house and I was ok. I managed and I can again. I am not worried.
When does this stop. He admitted he is depressed tonight. That scares me as the alcohol only makes him more depressed and he refuses to get help. How long will his job last? I do not know, he has missed days from work already, not my problem. Will he go to work tomorrow, no, I know the game. I have things to do, ex-ray on my lungs and other things to do. I will not be babysitting him.
Why do I hate, I mean hate his drinking so much? Why can I not accept it for what it is? why do I get so angry like I did tonight? Why can I not just let it go, his drinking, his problem and be happy about it and just let him crash and burn? what is wrong with me? What makes me want to change him? I am so frustrated with myself. Why am I such a control freak?
Hold on to that hug for a while ...it's real...I've used it often myself. My sponsor and the program taught me how to visualize the suggestions...Laying into the palms of my HP's hands and curling up with rest. Putting my alcoholic/addict into my hands and raising her upward and then bringing my hands back down again empty. ...turning her over until I felt the chant "Free at last, Free at last...Thank GOD I'm free at last". Visualization makes it real..."Act as if" is an Al-Anon slogan that I use to practice early on in recovery. Act as if the changes are real and really feel that they are...That was my practice.
In my insanity I was violent and that was very dangerous because I had no real boundaries to keep myself with in. My counselor asked me "Do you remember when you were a child and when and how you used to tantrum"? I remembered and he had me demonstrate in front of him at his desk...It felt crazy and he had a method to his madness. When you start feeling your intense anger and rage I want you to go to a safe place where you won't hurt yourself or others and then Tantrum for 15 seconds. (that really is a long time) and I took him up on the suggestion and didn't entertain looking or sounding foolish in front of who ever...I was saving my sanity so I did it...I did it in shopping malls and parking lots and where ever and after a time I never had to rage again.
I'm so sorry you are struggling and hurting so badly right now. I will tell you that more meetings may help and working closely with a sponsor as well. It's ok to be angry. It's OK to be pissed off. It really is. Finding healing from all of this while in the middle of the mess is hard. I know that. I've been as angry as you. I've been crazy with rage and weeping in the shower curled up in a ball on the floor where I felt no one could hear me or save me. The pain was real, but there is hope.
First off, get your hands on as much as you can via program materials on detachment. READ. Journal your pain and just keep writing until you can't write anymore. Keep reading on detaching. I detached with anger first. Then I detached with indifference. Then, eventually, I detached with love. I learned to separate the alcoholic from the disease and I started to take better care of myself.
As an aside here.....I was going through my old 'journals' (ongoing word documents I had locked on my computer) and I found one that said, "Health issues to discuss with doc". I read through it and I was appalled at what I was going through at the time. OMG! Was that really me? Was I really suffering physically so much? I am a completely different person health wise today than I was 10 years ago despite being 10 years older now. I had major gastrointestinal issues, was being tested for H Pylori in my stomach, told I had IBS and leaky gut. I was having back pain and a nodule on my spine that I swore was a tumor but it turned out it was inflamed from the stress in my back. My PT told me that my 2 muscles that ran along my spine were supposed to have 'give' to them and flexion. He said that mine were like 2 by 4s. Immobile and the pain was unbearable. I had horrific migraines. Problems with my sinuses and throat pain when swallowing. But, honestly, most of my problems were gastrointestinal. The pain would often bring me to tears and I'd curl up around a pillow on bed for hours.
I never connected the fact that all the emotional stress I was carrying was possibly bringing about these things. Through all of this, I tell you, that you can come through this and be a different person someday. I look back on pictures from my 30s and early 40s and I feel like I just looked like I was sad, even if I was smiling. It took me years to leave. And, i mean YEARS before I was mentally and emotionally healthy to leave the verbal abuse, the lies, the insanity, the DUI, the crazy making behavior, the belittling and criticism, and the silent treatment with the pouting (that was all always his best and most passive aggressive way to torment the family).......But, I did leave. And, you know, I think even my XAH is better today than he was back then. I know he still drinks but the insanity that WE had has faded away and I can look back and be grateful for the lessons I've learned and also be grateful that I got out eventually. It was all in God's timing and not my own, that's for sure.
Sending you lots of hugs and support today! You can start a new day over any time you like....so I encourage you to get to a meeting and to sit and journal and read as much as you can about detaching and about healing even while you're in the midst of chaos!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I feel for you and all the torment you are going through. I'm a newbie myself- but can relate to your feelings of anger and rage and confusion. All I can say is- know that you will be ok. One day at a time- myself I'm practicing one minute at a time! Take time out just for YOU. Even if it's an hour in a coffee shop just to get your mind off of everything. I find that even the little breaks can be very healing. Cry. Write it out. I'm finding reading through these posts helpful too. Big hugs to you...you will be ok ....
I have been through that stuff about not being able to get anti depressants .
Detachment is a difficult concept to get through
Detachment isn't about saying it is okay.for someone to drink
It's about not reacting to it
There is also the issue of fighting.
Believe me I did my share of scream8ng knock out fights. None of them affected thge alcoholic in the slightest. Keep in mind that he is on alcohol he does not feel tbhat is why he is taking alcohol.
I felt that it was good to let me feelings out. Indeed it is done to as good to do that but the good part.is to be HEARD.
An alcoholic being drunk is not hearing you. Then he has put you in the position you look more crazy than he does.
Detaching is all about managing your emotions. None of it us about saying what he is doing is okay. In the same way practising not arguing things like JADE. Do not justify Argue Defend or Explain are key. That is also not about saying it is okay for the alcoholic to do what he wants.
The first time I did not argue with the now ex A when he provoked me I felt like I had truly got my power back.
By then I started to have enough energy to take steps in the right direction.
Depression is a very serious illness. Having therapy and getting anti depressants us hard going. The kind of red tape people put in front of you to get what you need is steep.
Am anon is not an easy program to work. The good news is the tools really help in a lot of situations. For me to be willing to do so anon I had to be willing. I had to be willing to trust something worked.
I th8nk it is very hard to let go and focus on yourself when someone you care about is destroyonng themselves at an alarming rate. Detaching is not a sign of callousness.
Detaching is a l8feline for you not to sink down there with him.
I still love people with alcoholism. I care about them deeply.
The difference is I care about me too. Before the csringbabout me fell by the wayside.
