The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so exhausted from my husband's mood swings. One day he is so nice and loving and thankful the next day everything overwhelms him and we can't talk about anything without it becoming a fight. I have locked myself in my study and sent him out for the whole morning to "play with our kid" so I could clean the house.
Whenever he acts like this I just find that I hate him. I am so exhausted of his behaviors. His presence in the house just makes me really uncomfortable. Every thing that happens I hear him sighing or swearing or saying things like "oh God" just because the telephone rang or something. It is literally making me nuts.
I feel anger, disappointment, fear and hatred directed at him.
I don't know how to disconnect from this detach with love. The only options I see are getting out of the house completely or kicking him out, I don't see how I can coexist with this person.....
From what Ive learned in Alanon, the disease effects both the drinker and the non drinker. The behaviours and attitudes like irritability, intolerance, mood swings the whole negative thinking comes from the distorted and disturbed thought processes that plague those effected and from what I can gather this is torture for the person and the relief comes from the drinking, so I imagine each and everyone of us would seek solace in alcohol or drugs from this, its like their own minds are working against them.
Then theres us. We become irritable, discontent, resentful, intolerant and the disease rages on within a family and for me it raged on and on and on for years. This simple pattern of behaviours with intermittent periods of peace that got shorter and shorter.
The relief came for me in Alanon, meetings, sponsor, steps slogans, doing it day in doy out. I got peace in understanding of the disease and that it was bigger than me, not caused by me, not about me, in fact had nothing to do with me, it came from this persons own pain that belongs solely to them. Its not easy and it was gradual for me. Then I got more peace from awareness of my own behaviours and actions and I learned tools to deal with these and when I stopped reacting to everything the drinker said and did or did not do then peace came into the home and it benefited everyone.
The alanon leaflet called Detachment is amazing and was my first tool.
Oh my gosh. I wrote almost the exact same words just last night. I am in the same situation as you. I'm a newbie- and as well I cannot understand how to detach with love from this crazy person who he has turned into. I don't understand how to separate that person from my husband- and so the hatred and disappointment fester. Just last night, he was so irritable, agitated. And like always when this happens, he begins to pick on me. Gets nasty and verbally abusive. I couldn't take it. In that moment- how the hell do you detach with love?? The last thing on my mind is love in that moment- I actually wanted to strangle him if I could. So I left. Went for a drive, went for a coffee. He kept it up with texting awful things. But I ignored it. I was able to calm down and I'm guessing that was detaching?? But with love- I don't think so. So frustrating. I'm at the end of my rope. Big hugs to you...
I can say that two quick tools that helped me when I wanted to slap someone - anyone....were the Serenity Prayer and the abbreviated version - Bless Him, Change Me! I've also had to imprint in my mind that how others are acting, behaving, reacting has nothing to do with me - it's about them. (((Hugs))) - this will pass and improve with recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i can so relate. I understand. I left for 2 days to get away. Went to a hotel room for 2 days to get calm in my mind and spirit. I am having to go home today, not looking forward to it. I so enjoyed getting away!
I ended up calling someone in Al Anon (I hadn't spoken to her since I went to meetings like, two years ago or something! She was really able to help me, and I don't even know how or why. She told me it's really important to get to meetings and I have decided that I am going to travel to get to a meeting that is one and a half hours away. It sounds a bit insane, but I know I need help really badly. I need to get the focus back onto me and what I NEED.
My husband eventually came down from his negative mood, and I felt myself feeling better as a result. I hate that too, I don't want to be beholden to him and his moods. I want my own internal feelings that come from what is happening to me, not just reflecting the feelings of someone else.
(((Hugs))), Annie, I can so relate to your post. I was always taken aback by the changes in the A's moods, and my moods were fine-tuned to his! It almost felt like I didn't have energy to have my own moods, I was so enmeshed with his... And when things were good for him, I was happy too. I'm so grateful to Alanon for getting to know myself again, and having my own moods!
I also can totally relate to having mostly negative emotions towards the alcoholic... One thing I learned early on here on MIP was that we can love the person and hate the disease. Of course, this doesn't change the fact that both the person and the disease walk around in the same pair of shoes. This was painful to realize and accept, but it was the truth... Before, I actually used to think of my abf almost like of two different people - the good guy I loved and liked and then his evil twin who I didn't want to see or hear at all, when all along he has been both.
When I started to work on my program tools and changing my behavior, trying not to react but rather to respond, the reactions of my abf changed as well. Actually, he was often more mad at me than before, because I was beginning to take care of myself for a change and stopped being his mother. This phase was very, very hard for me, but it showed me that sometimes things must get worse before they can get better...
In any case, regardless of what the alcoholic or anyone else does, working on myself with the help of this program has been a blessing, though growing self-awareness comes to me with a fair amount of pain involved. Its worth it, in any case.
Keep coming back and sharing, there's help and hope in this program.
I.can relate to being exasperated at.others. Currently one of my bosses behaviors is exasperating
I think it is a specialty of the alcoholic to know.how to.get under your skin. There is a certain rebelliousness in the alcoholic that when you.ask them to do something they rebel against it. All sense of maturity goes out the window.
For me oddly enough other people's behavior is all tied Into my expectations. Around an alcoholic. Or someone dysfunctional my.exoectations are low.
I resisted the expectations issue for a long time.
I believed I was entitled to have a reasonable expectation.of others. That is certainly true but there are certain people like one of my.curent bosses who don't act reasonably.
It is certainly good to be aware of other people's behavior.
However as long as I was still expecting them to fill a certain role in my life I was set up. The ex A abdicated his role of being helpful kind and thoughtful early on. I was like an addict waiting for him to change. As long as I was waiting for him to change I was in trouble. When I changed a lot of things got better.
Separating from.someone is a journey of many steps. For me my separation was very basic and rudimentary
When I.am considering separating now (from a job) I am far more pro active and patient. When In am In that place if #I can't stand this another minute# I generally don't make good decisions.
