Hello ElaBella - welcome to MIP. So glad that you found us and so glad that you shared.

We do not give advice in Al-Anon, instead we share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other to support personal recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that's never cured - only treated through abstinence and recovery of some kind. It is considered a family disease as almost all are affected. Al-anon is our program of recovery, and I'm glad to see you have found and attended meetings - that's an awesome way to gain support and tools to help you deal/heal with the affects of this disease.

I do encourage you to continue meetings, explore the literature, find a sponsor and embrace the program. This (Al-Anon) has been the only effort I deployed that has brought me from the dark despair of active alcoholism to a place of peace and joy.

Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. You are not alone!

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I'm hurting again today as I discovered that while he was away on business he visited strip joints. I'm so upset as we have had zero intimacy for months. I'm beyond hurt because we were in active marriage counselling at that time- and one of my traumas I endured in childhood was the same behaviour from my alcoholic father. My husband saw the pain this caused me- especially in counselling when it just came pouring out of me. I don't know if this is a direct result of my husbands drinking/bad choices- or is he actually just an awful husband? I'm at the end of my rope. I contacted Legal Aid and I'm getting a separation agreement certificate. I would love to hear if anyone else has been through this sort of situation- and what helped them survive/cope. I'm so depressed because of this latest development.

Thank you Westman - and I'm so sorry that you too are going through a very difficult time in your marriage. I recited the Serenity Prayer several times today- it was not a great day in terms of his moodiness and bursts of rage which are all directed at me. It was so hard for me to do it- but somehow I managed to be civil when he was deliberately cursing and yelling at me calling me every name in the book. Totally unprovoked- only because of his perception of being slighted by me. I left the dinner table, I went to another room. He still kept on. It took a while but he finally calmed down enough to stop. Here is my dilemma- how do you work on issues in your marriage if you have to constantly detach when the topics get heavy? What is the point? Are we not doing harm to ourselves by ignoring what we need by detaching from the situations? I'm really not understanding how this can be done. I need guidance..

I wouldnt say anyone.detaches with love all the time. 

I hve  friend who.is an.alcoholic.  i have.not seen.her.for.a.while. i have been.veey anvry at her. 

Just recently I moved o a place of compassion so I.may viait her.  However what visit I will.have is.going to be ahort. 

 

I have been there with being in.couoles.therapy.  sometimea it takea a whilee.to see.or.feel.any benefits. 

My whole self worth was.once tied up in.others.views of me.  I was very dependent.emotionally in.relationships. 

I.am not cavlier.about relationships.but lettinv go is an.easier proposition.  I.am also.qble to.distrct myself and cherish myself more.  I.have a touvh week.ahead.  i.plan on.doi v things to.refuel.emotionally.  In my relationship.with.the alcoholic i was.runing on.empty.  

The holidays are really hard when you are in.a.dysfunctional marriage.  They are pretty hard in general for.everyone.  Be kind.to yourself. 

 

Maresie 

 

 

 

Elabella - Big hugs to you! I am sending you all my light & love!!!

My STBXAH and I have a long history... 29 years. They have NOT all been good. I re-learned detaching when I got back on this site... but since we did not have a house where I could "shut him away," or make myself my own sanctuary (room) to get away from the madness, detaching was only a very temporary fix for my marriage problems. When I got strong enough within myself, I was able to detach while living with alcoholism/addiction, but my AH just kept spiraling downward. It was a very sad existence for me and my teen son, and not what I wanted in a marriage. Al-Anon and this board helped me to regain some sanity so that I could see that I was the one who ALLOWED my AH to walk all over the boundaries I set!! Then I had to work through the feelings of anger...at myself! THAT is when I realized that I HAD to enforce my major boundary I set when I took him back 7 years ago after a rehab stint. Once away from the chaos (went no contact), I found meetings I could attend, got a sponsor and began working the steps. This helped me to look back at my married life and realized it was NEVER what I wanted from a partnership, and it certainly wasn't what I wanted now. All the while AH didn't want to accept help... of any kind!
But I had learned the Three C's and I recited this slogan daily! It really helped me.

In the end, I knew in my heart that I could not live with active alcoholism/addiction, but more importantly (I think), I could not live my life waiting for a relapse. THAT made me realize that I would be the worst partner for my EX should he ever embrace sobriety.

I could not have gotten past the anger at my AH and realized this truth ABOUT MYSELF, without Al-Anon, the tools, and all the good people here at MIP!

I am going to validate your feelings of "...when does he get to face the consequences of the abusive behavior?" Because I am currently working with my sponsor with similar feelings... here I am struggling to make ends meet, living in a one room house, on assistance, drowning in debt... and all I am hearing is how well my spouse is doing in his current rehab... no stresses, no debts to pay, meals all prepared, medical all paid and taken care of. Now he is saying to his family that he doesn't want to go back to his high paying job when he leaves b/c it will be too stressful for him! Meanwhile, his son and I have had no monetary support from him... and now probably not ever. I am having to leave the job I LOVE b/c it only pays minimum wage and just isn't enough for our needs. So yea, I am holding on to some anger about him not feeling any consequences... certainly doesn't seem all that broken up about the failed marriage... or letting his son down so many times!

But my sponsor reminded me that I am not living HIS life (and thank God for that!). I don't know how much each of these things affect him. What I need is to focus just on me and my kid... not him. When you focus just on yourself, the feelings of "why can't he get his" wash away. My sponsor recommended daily GRATITUDE LISTS... and believe me, at first they were very short! But they help me find the "good" in all this. Progress not Perfection, right?

However, since I lived a very similar situation to you, I KNOW first hand how hard it was to live with the alcoholic. So my ESH is to stick with the program... read posts, work the steps, go to meetings (if you can), and ask someone in your meetings who seem at peace to be your sponsor. It is a process... and I know that "we" (meaning the affected family) want answers/solutions right away. But sometimes we are not ready to see the answers right away. There is one caveat... if it is an abusive situation - where your safety or the safety of your kids is paramount - get out! Get safe!

In the end, it was a kind, smart, old-timer on this board who said the words that ultimately made sense to me. They were... "... so your AH has not hit his bottom... but do you think perhaps YOU have hit YOURS?" It made me think, and yes, I had.

This is my ESH. Please take what you feel is right, and leave the rest. Wishing you peace today.

Namaste

Elabella, I struggled with many of these concepts. Still do. I had to just start small and build on it. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I used to sit in some of my early meetings just seething because someone was talking about some problem and how they had dealt with it and it made zero sense to me. I'd read the slogans and get mad because it sounded so ridiculous to me. Then I found a couple slogans I liked. I memorized the serenity prayer. With that I then found a few other tidbits that clicked. I found the meeting I liked. And so on. 

I like the analogy of climbing a mountain. Us newcomers stand at the bottom of this mountain, that we can't even see the top of, and try to take it all in at once. We have little experience or equipment and just see problems all the way up. But there are others there who've been up it. They talk about how they made it, how they used their gear. So, we pick up some knowledge here a bit of wisdom there and start making our way up. We fumble and slip, get frustrated, maybe even quit for awhile. Eventually we get good enough and have the tools we need to make it. 

Oh my goodness- thank you so so much for these comforting words and insights to your takes in this situation. I truly am grateful to every single one of you that took time out of your day to help me. I have been saying the Serenity prayer daily- and a few times it's already clicking for me. It's tough work - looking at myself in the entire picture is hard as all these years ( we've been together 27 years, married for 17) I've never truly looked at myself. I've always immersed myself completely in him and his actions. I do the same with pretty much every person in my life. Sacrifice myself entirely because I want everyone to be happy and taken care of. Again- I thank all of you. I will keep going back to your comments to help me.