The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive not felt this insecure in years.... my AH has been sober for almost a month and he is doing great. Going to outpatient classes and AA meetings. He is making new friends that understand his struggle. I guess you can say Im jealous.... I want to Be his person but he has all these new people (men and women) that he talks to and it makes me sad... for years IVE been here... now that he is sober and happy (which I thank God for!) I am still in the same place... nothing has changed for me and now Im not the person he turns to.... . He says he loves me but it just bothers me...
that is why I am glad to see you HERE...In Al-anon..Al-anon is for US....to be OUR person.....for all that time you were focused on him to the expense of yourself, now , working a steady program with meetings, co-sharing with other alanons, doing the steps, you can discover the lovely you that has been waiting all this time for you to be "there for you" and to be "your person" who is emotionally sober and happy.....You can "leave that same ole place you are in starting today....I hope you can find a meeting near you where you can establish your own support network and make new friends, etc., share with other alanons.........I'm glad you are here.....Keep coming back...
Hello Heaven, As Mamalioness has stated, alanon is the recovery program for family members who can readily identify with how you are feeling . Your partner needs the support of those who have traveled the same road as he has and you do as well. That is why alanon offers new tools to live by and an understanding group to share your concerns. \ Keep coming back
It is a process for us too! Many times it is hard to understand or even accept that living with an alcoholic for ___ many years has changed us. But we DO change. Al-Anon is a supportive, caring, non-judgmental place to become self-aware. We then end up changing for the better! Hope to see more posts from you in the future!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hello Heaven 76, I recognise those feelings that you describe and I used to put myself down for even thinking them sometimes! I kept 'should-ing' myself - I should be grateful, happy etc etc but actually I was feeling worn out and needed some nurture because like most of us I had been through a lot!! I remember getting irritated and putting on a pout because I saw other folks patting my husband on the back for not drinking but no one ever said 'well-done' to me for all the effort of staying with him when times were tough (boo-hoo!! )
Eventually I started to use AH's early recovery time as my time to get better as well.
It seemed to me that AH was in a better place but that it needed all his attention and should be 'his place, his journey'. I used the "keep the focus on me" saying (a lot!) along with H.A.L.T (am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?) because when I was any one of those things I found it very easy to feel sorry for myself.
I forgave myself for feeling anger and recognised that even though I wanted to be an important part of my husband's life in truth all relationships ebb and flow and the fact that I didn't have to crisis manage didn't mean that I was now permanently redundant!! I just had extra time on my hands and I used it to explore and discover things that I enjoyed. The whole process became empowering and fun and I learnt a lot about myself in the process - who'd have thought it?!!
One month of recovery is early days as you know, and personally I think that any change can feel unsettling, even a change for good.
I really admire you for recognising that you are still 'in the same place' . I remember feeling lonely and unappreciated in the first months/year of recovery so I sought out the company of my own friends and relied a lot on the wisdom of others in Al-Anon. I learnt to gift myself the appreciation that I needed, which helped me to feel like a much happier and better person, better to be around as well - win, win!
(((Heaven))) - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. This disease is so powerful, we are often affected in ways we don't even know. I do encourage you to seek out and find local Al-Anon meetings. That's where I found my sanity, strength and hope to have a great life full of joy - no matter what my A is/is not doing. I also found a lovely tribe of others who really understand me, and can support me when I am in need.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had a hard time sharing. Of.course there is something.compelling about being the rock.for someone.
For me being on.my.own means I have the chance to
grow and expand. I.dont know.that anyone is.in.tje.same place if they have been.through alcoholism with.someone.
Perhaps you.are numb.rather than in the same place.
Where I.am today is to acknowledge no feeling.is exactly #wrpng# it is something to process. Wrong is only.when I.act out on.those feelings. Sitting with.a feeling is not.exactly.against.the law.
We live in.a world where we always have to concet.this golden image. One of my.friends committed suicide a year ago. I have lost.count of the people who say #you have to let go#
Sometimes letting go takes a lifetime.
In.al.anon we can adopt a technique of detaching. When an emotion comes on.strong, or we feel possessive of someone.
We can detach. That is a way to scale back.and create some space. Space.gives us.the oppoortunity to step back.and look.ar where we are.
Above all in.al.anon.we learn to stop beating ourselves up.
I.have also.had to give up the notion of comparing myself to others
(((Heaven))) - good for you that you found the courage to attend! Please do let us know how it goes - I hope it's a good fit!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There were only a few people there but they were very nice and ready to be there for me. Very welcoming and understanding. I think its going to be a good thing for me.
Good for you Heaven! If you have other meetings in your area, you might try them out too! I'm glad you felt welcomed and feel it's a good place/safe place. That does match my experience too. Al-Anon has been life-changing for me and I'm very grateful I found the courage to go/attend/work it!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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