The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been getting a very clear message in my life that I need to take a look at the guilt I carry around. Things lately have been popping out to me around the topic of guilt. Over and over I keep noticing things related to guilt. Messages in the readings, feelings of guilt I am having over things that I am not even certain I should feel guilty about and I am working through the 4th step work with another al anon friend and I notice how much guilt she seems to have over things she can't control (at least in my view). Today after a reading struck me specifically around this issue I went into my blueprint for progress and worked through the questions in there (which I plan to discuss with my sponsor). The line that suck out for me in the blueprint was "It is not appropriate to claim responsibility for the choices of another adult human being". WOW it's like I needed to read that line at just that moment. I do that a lot. I have managed to pause and consider my reactions to feelings of anger or resentment and even fear but I still find I react to feelings of guilt. I feel almost anxious to react to feelings of guilt. I feel particularly guilty around my husband and his drinking. I still feel like I somehow cause his drinking as irrational as that sounds. And I know it's irrational but for some reason when I feel guilty I accept it as a fact....then I must be guilty and I start to try to make up for my wrongdoing even if I can't identify what I have done wrong. This is especially true for when people are angry or upset with me. I automatically feel guilty. Even if it has nothing to do with me. My mom is in a bad mood.....must be my fault. My friend isn't speaking to me......I had better figure out what I should apologize for. I probably say sorry more than anything else. I have improved a lot since I started the Al Anon program but before that I took on responsibility for everything and if something went wrong I would find something to feel guilty about. I can see how deeply rooted this feeling is for me. It takes a lot of effort to not worry about someone's anger. Not to own another person's discomfort. I also think this affects the person whom I am feeling guilty about (another question in the blueprint) because if I am always telling them I'm sorry and assuming it is my fault isn't it natural for them to start to believe it? If they get to blame me for things that go wrong how are they ever going to learn to take responsibility themselves?
I am so grateful for the insight I have gained around this and it's something I am going to observe and pause around for a while.
Oh, KT... we could be two peas in a pod! Now that I am separated from my AH (and today signed the papers), I am struggling with my guilt. Guilt for stuff that is NOT MY DOING! What is that about?
I too have found that I am such a "people-pleaser" that if they aren't pleased I automatically assume that it is because of me! That there must be something I am lacking, or that I am not doing, or that I am not doing precisely right.
So, yea... I hear your share and feel it down to my bones! I am sending you cyber hugs and support today!
I have been sitting with Step 3 for quite awhile now, perhaps this is my wake-up call to begin Step 4! Maybe I can understand why I do, and feel the things I do.
Thank you, KT!
PNP
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Lately I have been dealing with a really controlling co worker
Under normal circumstances, I would ve obsessed miserable and desperate. I would also be feeling that it was really personal.
I certainly cant say I welcome it. I know her behavior has little to do with me. It isnt a coincidenxe that staff retention ismt too great in that unit.
The difference is all I have to do is to take xare of my side of the street. Be pleasant, dont get provoked, dont over react and take care of myself.
The roots of my oeople pleasing came from barely surviving my childhood. They started off pretty honorable. I dodny know how to transform that in adulthood. I had to learn other ways
One thing I noticed last night was a sense of compasdion for this woman. I had over identofocation in the padt and then an over whelming desire to #fix# others. Now I have compsssion and that takes a lot of the sting out of being uncomfotable with others
I dont beat myself up for behavior I learned innchildhood. I try to change it inowing nothing is goingbto be easy. Nevertheless if .am gentle with myself I can go a long way.
Since I've been paying attention to it I can also see how I use guilt to try to control others (ugh yucky to look at but I'm ready to see it). It's not such a one way street. Now that I don't want to feel guilty about things I don't want to inflict that back on other people in my life. I think I did this because it was a way for me to get what I want from others without asking directly. I think this is going to be a very good lesson for me.
