The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow will mark a week since I asked my AH not to come home for awhile. My mind has been all over the place. Disbelief that my life has actually come to this, to anger. Though embarrasment even came into to the picture, this one surprised me the most. As this is something at one time would have truly embarrassed me....to the point I wouldn't have left the house. This time I truly didn't care who knew, who put the pieces together (it's a small town). Of course I had a few selfish moments too, I know there are people who do know what is going on, no picked up the phone to check in. That's their issue, because surprise I'm doing pretty dang good actually.
AH and I have had every little contact durning this time. At first that really made me angery. He wouldn't check in to see how the kids were doing (of course I realize now that was just an excuse I was using to hear his voice). When contact was made he called to have an adult conversation about bills, what needed to be paid, what I could pay, what he could pay. I asked him how he was doing, his emtions were very raw. It's hard to hear the love of your life in so much pain and there is nothing you can do to help. We talked about my trust issues that I now have. I know I have to find out if this something I can "fix", I know I have to trust my faith. I told him I just don't know how right know when all I have is his word that he hasn't been drinking.
He said he hoped I would allow him to come home next week. I told him I couldn't honestly answer that. We have to take one day at a time.
I reached out to talk to him yesterday, each phone call (yes there was three attempts), each went unanswered. Of course my mind went.......his at it again, and is ignoring me. I have no proof. Though there is a very good chance he was ignoring me.
He did call back today. I told him why I had called...to see if he want to hang out together. He told me of his plans for the day. I asked if he wanted company. His response surprised me....
He didn't, he said if he wants to be able to come again he needs to make sure everything is right. Not sure what he means. But I realized this whole mess is just as hard on him as it is on me.
Do I want him home......yes
Am I ready for him to come home? No
Like I told him too, we have to take this one day at a time, together we will get through this.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Hugs, Curlyblu.
I was recently and was before in the position you are in... disbelief your life has come to this. Remember, the alcoholic will do what they are going to do, regardless of what we do. Remember the three C's (You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it), and use whatever other slogan/tools you glean from Al-Anon to help you through this rough time. All will be revealed in time... even things you may not want to know. But knowing is the first step to understanding... and I am talking about understanding YOU... and what you may or may not choose to have in your life to live a peaceful and happy one.
Trust that you are on the right path for now. Your HP is watching over you! You got his!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hello CurlyBlu Please do search out an alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that you will be able to receive th support and understanding to clarify your thoughts so you can act in a constructive manner.
Curly Hot Rod shares one of the strongest suggestions that those of us in recovery have received and practice. Get into face to face meeting and see the faces and listen to the voices of those who have been here before you and what they found out about alcoholism and now do in a program of recovery. Alcoholism is the very worse and most powerful disease I have ever struggled with until the face to face meetings. Be well taught and suffer less. ((((hugs))))
