The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Al-Anon and have been driven to seek outside support. My wife of 5 years has turned what once appeared to be just a party and enjoy life kind of behavior into something much beyond that. We have a son together, he turned 2 today and I work to support the family while she stays with him. I have asked that she start moving to go back to work but always get a response that she doesn't trust him with anyone else (I would fire her if she was a babysitter because she drinks while he sleeps).
At this point I have come home a few times to him in the crib asking to get let out and her passed out or in the shower. Twice she has been unmovable on the living room floor, and I had to watch my son try to understand why mommy wouldn't wake up. Many days I am essentially a single father, as she goes upstairs as soon as I get home to sit in the shower and then lay in bed. Or she will take advantage of me leaving the room to chug a bunch of whatever she has stashed around the house. Our marriage obviously has started to have serious issues, as I have lost the ability to believe what she tells me and I have little faith that she cares about much beyond protecting her ability to drink. I have twice packed to leave for a hotel and once left with our son to go hoping to send a message. We have both become so angry and frustrated with each other. I know its the drinking because when she's sober for a few days everything is exactly what I remember, the perfect relationship, and we connect immediately and are practically two halves of the same person.
When she is sober she acknowledges that the drinking has gone too far and talks about changing and does so for a few days to a week at a time. She even says she is doing AA and calling around to find a therapist. I know that her family was horrible to her (very controlling, unappreciative of her essentially raising her brothers, a horrible grandmother that prays on her attempt to make her happy and her step father doing things that would have had him in jail if her mom didn't chose her brothers over her and talk her into walking out of the courthouse before the trial started) and the only way she was able to cope with everything was to drink away her feelings. She was also forced into therapy as a minor over what happened and because of this and people repeatedly betraying her confidence (in an attempt to protect her as a minor) ended up with her taken from her home to what was essentially a prison for people that were victims. I know she has pain in her heart, but she needs to find help and I am unable to provide it as I have tried for years.
I am getting very close to calling the relationship over but I don't know what to do. I am exhausted, tired of the fights, and fearing for my son and what I will come home to every day when I am driving home. She won't go to rehab, tells me that she is doing better, it was a one time lapse, and that she wouldn't be able to handle not having our son with her every day. On the other side of this. I can't afford to move out or move her out, or even take him to day care every day because she doesn't work. Actually making the move to start divorce proceedings feels like I am giving up and abandoning her and as much anger and exhaustion as I have I can't do that yet.
I am trying to learn how to balance detaching from the issue so the anger isn't there, but I fear that it will take a marriage that is on the rocks and completely end it. How do you detach from that and still be a husband and father? How do you leave someone that has already been crushed by life? Do I chose my innocent son over her and do everything I can to get him away from the drinking before he learns to follow her ways and probably guarantee that she never gets better or do I continue the struggle, try to get her the help she needs and hope that things finally change for the better.
I apologize for the rambling mess that this must read like. I am hoping that just getting the full picture off my chest will help me have the strength to keep going.
Hello Shane and welcome. I like so many of us have lived what you are experiencing, although the details may differ some.
You don't say whether you are attending AlAnon meetings, so I want to encourage you to find a meeting and attend. It was there I found my way to live with the chaos you describe.
We don't offer advice here, unless someone's safety is in peril. Is everyone in your home safe? That may be your first concern.
There are online meetings here daily, and you can find information about them on the home page.
Keep coming back.
Aloha Shane and welcome to the board. There is no need for apology to us because we have all been where you are at now. This is a chronic disease so it comes when it comes over and over and over again unless a real recovery gets in the way of it and the alcoholic desires sobriety more than their usual favorite drink. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of the body and can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. The compulsion runs 24/7 and sobriety isn't about just not drinking as the thinking and behavior must also change in spite of the drinking.
It affects every one it comes into contact with and that now includes you and your infant son. The suggestion to you to attend face to face Al-Anon Family Groups is a best suggestion backed by so much experience strength and hope that you come across here. For your son I suggest a baby sitter or such while you are in the meeting. I know your story cause it is also mine and my alcoholic/addict wife and I had many emergencies due to the addiction. I am a member of both Al-Anon and AA so am completely alcohol free learning a different way of living, thinking and behavior. I was born into the disease and that life was normal day to day until I found out there was another way of living.
You are a newbie and to listen to and trust new different ideas and information is not easy however I invite you to come here daily if not attend Al-Anon meetings daily also. It was suggested I do 90 meetings in 90 days so I got it 102 and then stuck around for another 39years. I am still around because I try to give away the miracle I was given by the old timers when I first arrived.
You are not lost now having found this wide and deep and experienced source of help. There are online meetings here and 24/7 input and connections to the very wide variety of Al-Anon literature and much much more.
As for your wife...she is very very ill and not a bad person. Expecting anything else from her than what you are presently seeing as the alcoholic is insanity. Empathy and Compassion is best practice emotions and attitudes. This disease is a fatal one if not arrested by total abstinence and the fatal nature extends to all who are attached to the alcoholic. We get as sick or sicker than the alcoholic tho we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality thus we go thru it wide awake. Arrrrgh!!
Please keep coming back with an open mind, read...talk...share. ((((Hugs))))
Welcome Shane Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic disease over which we are powerless. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings in your community. There is hope
I too send you some welcomes Shane and am sorry for the pain and chaos this disease brings. I too found a path to my own growth and recovery in Al-Anon and it all started with finding the courage to attend local meetings. What I know about the disease matches what's been said - it's progressive and it's far-reaching. Most of us are affected in ways we don't even realize until we find we are not alone and others have also been there.
I hope you keep coming back - you truly are not alone.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for the kind words and support. I know that advice is not what is given here, instead the support and feeling of belonging is what helps.
The last few days have been rough (but it will pass and today is a new day). I have hope going forward, my wife has an appointment to start therapy this week and has been doing better when she is consistent with AA and a couple other things she does to change her thought process. If she can stick with them while I am at work I believe that it can be a long term improvement.
Thank you all again for the support. I will come back often to read and post.
Great approach ... today is a new day and when we practice recovery, we really do try to stay in One Day at a Time! Keep coming back Shane!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad you found this forum. I'm sorry that you seem to be right in the thick of it. I know that it's painful and scary. Especially when our children are experiencing the consequences of this disease. I can see many similarities between our situations. I recently gained sole temporary custody of our three children and barred my wife from returning home. My AW was not getting drunk during the day which made things easier to deal with for a long time.
But alcoholism usually progresses without a desire to change on the part of the alcoholic. It's good your wife is trying AA and therapy. I hope you find a live al-anon meeting as well. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Some people do get better from alcoholism. There are a lit of people attending alcoholic anonymous neetongs bat no time have there been so many resoyrces for alcohol8cs who seek recovery.
The al anon tools can help greatly whether or not the alcoholic drinks. You can certainly find lots of peoe in recovery.who have dealt with.similar issues.
When I lived with an active alcohoic, I certainly had the issues of hopelessness, despair, frustration, and a deep resentment towards the alcoholic. I certainly found a lot of solace in al anon. Eventually I became willing to use the tools, none of tgat came easily to me
Fir me that relationship was some years ago. I didnt stop usingnal anon when the relationship.ended. indeed the deeper I go with looking at myself the more managebke my kuce becomes.
Nevertheless for me personally the aftermath of living with an alcoholic have been long, devastating and irrepairable.
The tools of al.anon dont come easily. Detaching us a way of coping a way to de escalate. Having a calm mind leads to better decisions. De escalating us not giving in the tool is.meant to save us from mental exhaustion. Anger, grief, confusion snd frustration are still very much there with detachment. They are not so overwhelming
In AA there is a saying dont get too hungry, lonely, tired.
All those emotions are a given with living with an alcoholic.
In fact I would say that is pretty much how I lived all my life and I was pretty annoyed by the concept. With al anon self carw comes into play not because of anything to do with the alcoholic but because we all deserve self care.
No one here is going to judge, label or categorise you .
There is a lot of safety here, no shoulding.
Al anon is a very worthwhile place to dwell for a while
I am very grateful for the program. I am every day grategul for the tools I have learned. Most of all.I.am grateful fir the people who welcomed and accepted me when I was desperate, lonely and lost beyond words. That acceptance became the foundation for me to transform my life into a far more peaceful existence
Today we had a lot of talking and it wasn't always helpful. After she came downstairs from using the bathroom for the 5th time in an hour and acting different and upset I went and checked to see if my instincts were correct. She had been drinking up there each time. I had taken the day off to help and we were trying again to spend time together, enjoy the day and remember what we are together on good days. That didn't work. But like I said we talked a lot and that is good.
I now understand why she has been so tired lately. She's essentially stopped eating because she didnt think she was losing pregnancy weight fast enough and she's been waking up at night hating herself a lot lately. I know how she sees herself isn't my fault and i have never put any of that on her. Knowing is good so that I can try to reinforce positive things that may help. She cant get better until she learns to love herself.
She told me she wants to do better but because we talk about her stopping the drinking so much it makes her want to do it... yes she's essentially a teenager in her approach to certain things. But again. At least she opened up to me for the first time in a long time. And that is a good step.
I explained to her how long and the many ways I have patiently been trying to get her to cut back before we got where we are now and how her actions make me feel. And how I now feel almost angry at the sight of alcohol any where because it is taking away my relationship. Im mad at her but not, it really is the alcohol that im truly mad at. At this point we are both exhausted from dealing with this for so long that even starting the conversation leads to anger and frustration.
I feel like if I can get her to stay in a positive place it will be much easier for everyone and she will do what she needs to do. I'm just having trouble getting her there. I had trouble after she was sharing to get her to understand that while talking is good you can't stay in that mindset indefinitely, you have to get your mind onto other better things. She took that as me contradicting what I asked from her. I hope Friday goes well and the therapy helps her.
I know deep down it's not my fault and it isn't my job to carry her to water and help her drink, but I keep trying anyway. I need to learn how to effectively control that side of me. To give her the tools and opportunity and then just provide encouragement and support vice hand holding and oversight.
I catch myself getting my hopes up a lot, it makes it all that much harder when things don't go well. Its a tough balance. You have to believe in hope to keep going but not get your hopes up. I am trying to get better about looking for actions and not getting seduced by words no matter how they sound and how sincere she looks. Because she can be serious and mean it 100% when she says it but still not be ABLE to do what she says. We are all human and have good intentions, especially with the people we love.
Thank you all again. It has helped me a lot during quiet times lately to sit and read through posts. At some point i will get there and bring myself to do a face to face meeting. I'm just not there yet.
Hi, Shane, glad you have found this site and so sorry for what you are going through.
I was in your shoes a few years ago, with just the sexes reversed. My AH was much where your AW is - sometimes denying the problem, sometimes going to AA. We went to a number of counselors, but the counselors were inexperienced in alcoholism and that was unhelpful. They believed him when he said, "Okay, I'll stop drinking." They were like, "Problem solved!" What I didn't fully understand then is that alcoholics cannot stop without a formal program of support - not just a counselor. A counselor can help get at the underlying problems, but alcoholism is self-perpetuating - it alters the person's thinking. So they can't heal their underlying problems while they're still drinking, because they can't think straight. And also it causes its own problems. So a more intensive program is needed, with people who have dealt with alcoholism.
I also didn't know that only 15-25% of people who enter formal treatment programs stay sober longterm. I say this because I kept expecting a switch to flip and everything to be okay. I didn't really understand how powerful alcoholism is. It's discouraging to realize that, all right - but it also helps keep us safe and plan appropriately.
In my own case, I ended up separating from my AH when our son was almost three. I had had hints that he had been endangering our son, but I couldn't quite believe it. He denied everything, of course, and I wasn't very wise to alcoholism yet. And I know he loved our son very much, so how could he endanger him? I didn't realize how much alcoholism addles your thinking. It makes the drinker think they're safe and fine. So they drive drunk, and leave the child alone while they go out for alcohol, and leave the stove on, and so on and so forth. It's like it gives them a feeling that they can never come to any harm. This is bad just in itself, but horrific when it comes to taking care of a child. Especially a small child who doesn't know how to protect himself, and can't tell anyone what's up.
So by the grace of God our son escaped harm in one particular bad event, and I came home and realized that our son could have died, and that's when I knew I had to leave. I knew that not only was our son not safe in his care, but our son was in danger in his care.
I won't mince words, it was not great being a single parent of a toddler - but I did what I could to protect him, and that was what I had to do.
Another thing to consider is that rather than abandoning your wife, separating from her may save her. What wakes them up is experiencing the consequences of their drinking, instead of having people cater to them and try to manage around their bad behavior. Not that you should leave with this in mind. If anything automatically caused them to go into recovery, we would have found it by now. But just to say that leaving is not the worst thing that could happen to her. It is an honest consequence of her decisions. Whatever you do, remember that your child cannot protect himself - your highest responsibility is to him and his safety. Hang in there. Take good care of yourself.
I learned to expect the disease and was rarely upset because it came. I practice "admitting I was powerless" in my own meetings and with the Al-Anon fellowship and with my Higher Power until I finally got it. I don't have power over any alcoholic/addict so I don't practice trying like I do. Daily readers are very supportive for me...(((hugs)))
Thank you for posting Shane! My XAH put our daughter in potentially bad situations when he was taking care of her (he passed out and she couldn't wake him up, I was already divorced and living elsewhere, it was his night to have her, etc. on a few occasions), etc. She was 5 or 6 at the time, so at least she could feed herself a snack and go to the bathroom/go to bed. But terribly scary for her! My current ABF is rarely in charge of watching her, and never drinks when he is (or hasn't yet, at least). But it's still affecting her (abandonment issues, overly people pleasing) - she's only 7! I have no answers - I'm looking for some myself! So far everyone here seems very smart and helpful! God bless!!
Welcome! I am sorry that you are living this life. It sucks.
But, you are in the right place to get help for you.
No advice, just some ESH. Our marriage therapist was duped for 11 years by my spouse! It would be best if your wife's therapist is well-versed with addiction. Their BS meters are very good!
Whenever you feel doubt, ask yourself "What is the best thing for my child?" The answer that comes to you will ALWAYS be correct... no matter what else is going on. The safety and emotional well-being of your child is the #1 priority... not your spouse right now. Although I have been there, so I understand where you are coming from.
Keep coming back... the support here is awesome!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Shane,
I am in a very similar situation. We also have a two year old. I am the one working.
I so identify with your description in an earlier post about talking to her having lot of feelings associated with her opening up to you about her past and her condition and how she feels about it. My husband does this quite regularly. At first, it filled some kind of space for me.... it was like, at least he is here and we are in the relationship together and working on beating this thing together.... My husband can talk and talk and talk about his trauma and his feelings. Sometimes during these conversations I feel very close to him that he is sharing all this with me.
At a certain point, I came to the realisation that we could talk about things and have these big deep conversations about childhood trauma and everything - but nothing was changing. I don't believe it is because my husband is a bad man, or because he doesn't love me. I think he doesn't have the capacity to change by himself without seeking recovery and I was preventing him from ever needing to seek recovery by protecting him from the consequences of his actions by providing for him financially and covering up for him.
We also did marriage therapy and went round in circles for a while because unfortunately my husband was unable to be honest with me and at that stage I was still in the dark about the addictions. So that was basically a waste of money. In the end the therapist cottoned on and stopped seeing us until my husband would go for individual therapy. I took this as a justification to spend another year feeling like I was the golden child who could do no wrong and all our financial and relationship issues were caused by him. I refused for a long time to see what my role was in insulating him from consequences because I was afraid of what people would think or unwilling to relinquish control. It is very hard to make decisions about the wellbeing of a small child, because they can't tell us how they feel. But I agree with the previous poster, say your son comes first as he has no choice about being in this situation. If your wife passes out while he is in her care that could be dangerous. I will just say it might take some time and some meetings and work with a sponsor to know how best to help him. I am trying to get here myself, but I have already noticed a big difference in how I am thinking about things since I started the program. When I came here I was stuck in black and white thinking and now I have people to talk things over with and ask me questions and help me see alternatives.
