The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone.
I'm really stressed over my ex's behaviour recently. We split up because of his drinking and being aggressive when drunk.
And I will be leaving within the next couple months.
His drinking has escalated recently and I'm finding him impossible to be around lately.
I'm worried, he does his best to pick a fight with me, is aggressive and insists he isn't.
I do the best I can to get away from him as soon as I realise he's drunk, do my best not to engage.
But I don't succeed every time, and sometimes feel such rage at the constant provocation and insistence he's not doing anything.
It's kind of like gaslighting!
The al anon website in my country isn't working for some reason, wasn't working last night either so I can't look up a meeting to go to.
Really I just hope someone might relate or have something to share so I don't feel so alone with this.
Thanks
Hi Mabel, I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place right now and so glad you reached out.
At times like this, I found slogans helpful. like the 3 C's ... I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it. One Day At A Time. This Too Shall Pass. Trying to remember that it is a disease and it isn't personal. I started a list of places I could go late at night if necessary just to get some distance.
When you do get to a meeting, take the phone numbers of some members so you have someone to call at these times. I hope things get better soon!
Welcome Mabel-I understand your situation as my A can be hurtful and hostile when drunk. I remember trying not to engage with my A and sometimes I was successful and sometimes not. It takes a lot of practice to avoid the fight, but it never got me anywhere, anyway, so I learned over time not to do it. Alanon has helped me see that protecting myself, treating myself with TLC, keeping me out of harms way, are the best things to do for me. And you can still love someone you are angry at or don't like their behavior, so it's a very complicated and confusing situation. I've been in alanon for over 4 years and it's the best gift I have given myself. I can only encourage you to keep coming back, Lyne
Thank you both so much! I was do stressed today and it was just too much. It helped such a lot to post here and read some posts from others and to get your replies too. Also I found my Courage to Change book and read from it too. It is so calming
I don't know why the Al Anon website isn't working (uk) hopefully they will realise soon and get it fixed.
Even talking about it when he is sober doesn't seem to help much anymore... it's so sad.
Hey Mabel - sorry that the disease is so darn demanding! As far as the paragraph breaks, I find when I use my mobile, it doesn't 'see' them. It does when I use my computer so perhaps that's why?
I can also suggest that you take a look to the top left here as there are 2 meetings scheduled twice per day. The times are listed and there is a link to the chat room/meeting room too! I did many online meetings when I was dealing with chaos and it really, really helped get me through days. I do prefer F2F yet know they are not always available when my schedule is free - so that's a great alternative.
You are not alone - sending you some positive thoughts. It is hard to detach from the insanity - good on you that you used the tools you could!! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mabel, for me one of the time's I recently shared somethings about how insufferable all of his drinking behaviors and non drinking behaviors were ...my Active Alcoholic was doing, denying, blaming, verbally abusing, gaslighting, and putting me (us) through so much someone from the Alanon group took me aside and handed me the book "How Alanon Works for families and friends of Alcoholics"... She showed me the inside first few pages: which talks about anyone confronted with violence.
We are not supposed to give advice in Alanon is what they told me yet they said when there is anything about safety we need to share that forward and her own experience with abuse and she told me to reach out to local agencies like domestic violence advocates and police and friends and family ... get away and telling is tricky with someone who tries to isolate as she said and knew ... those agencies can help us to start to help us to make sure we have tools to help us safe.
I'm not in the country you are - yet escalating abuse, fearing for safety or their escalation, gas-lighting and thinking I need more time didn't help me or my children at all :( it could have been worse I suppose and grateful it wasn't.... So as she told me to share with others about safety issues I totally relate to some things you've said: here's my experience of her warning me of her experience: was to warn me that violence doesn't just get better with time because I might hope it will get better yet it almost usually gets worse ... she told me I had ever right to not accept unacceptable behavior from anyone including the alcoholic who would say I was too sensitive or couldn't take a joke or he didn't do that.... I trust my judgement and I trust my gut ....Trust your judgement and trust your gut.....yet before I did anything drastic she said like come up with a safety plan with professionals to be careful... lots of professionals that have helped people before me because they can identify in some way and they want to help.
She said that when the abuser knows you want to leave or you try to that is the most dangerous of times for you. Hugs --- you are not alone and there are many agencies where you are and around the world that want to help you to be safe. Reach out online to find the info locally for you are worth it! Read that forward in that Alanon book mentioned above and know making a safety plan that only you know about because only you know what is best for you is best!
Make sure if you are using a shared computer with him or something he can access, you clear the history and change passwords from the internet from where he doesn't have access was her other tips. My heart and prayers go out to you be safe! and as said in Alanon: Keep coming back it works if you work it and your worth it!!! Big hugs :)
Finding support when you are in an impossible situation is very.difficult. It is embarassing frustrating and exhausting
Nevertheless al anon can.help you. Not engsging when.someone is being provocative to you is really very difficult. The paradox of al anon.is many of us come here desperate and in a point of total exhaustion. For even the most seasoned professional alcoholism can be exhausting. They have gone to school for years and have many tools available to them. How can.someone with no tools negotiate through this.
Finding meetings that work for you is tricky stuff. There are a lot of resources on line that can help. There are a lot of ways youncan work to make your situation more bearable. The problem is when your situation is at boiling point all the time getting relief is hard.
Exhaustion is hard to come back.from. Admitting to exhaustion is hard for me. I have a very hard time setting limits.
I don't know why the Al Anon website isn't working (uk) hopefully they will realise soon and get it fixed.
Even talking about it when he is sober doesn't seem to help much anymore... it's so sad.
