The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am learning ever so slowly, NO, No, NO. I had a good laugh today, as the alcoholic was suddenly so nice, saying Good morning, meanwhile, yesterday he was a racing mess, screaming devils get out of this house, and going nuts, alone, upstairs. I was downstairs, reading al-anon. Just like that, a change? lol...impossible. I do not buy that BS. Then he was making plans, we need to do this, that today. Including pay the mortgage. I stood my ground and said:
I do not believe, its a good idea for me to pay the mortgage on a house where I have to live in fear, anxiety and where I am scared half to death and were I have to call the cops and run out the door at 4 am with just what I am wearing. This is not a home that is safe for me. This is not a safe home, and I believe that its best if I find myself a safe home. I then walked out of the door and she said were you going? I said to the steam room and walked out.
His grand plans today, were he was going to do this and that and have me come for comfort, well, I did not buy it. I am standing my ground. I am not budging from this. He can pay the mortgage as its in his name not mine. I have half title only. its not my mortgage, not my problem. I am amazed at myself, I can be clear and to the point and say what I mean and not say it mean (I did raise my voice, to make it clear and I was angry too). I thought to myself when I was at the steam room, why am I paying for misery? Why am I paying off a mortgage for a house that is living hell, where I am not safe, because of the active alcoholic? Why am I paying for his comfort? What about me, my safety? Do I not deserve to live in a safe home? Why am I paying? For what? usually when you pay for something, its for good, not hell on earth. I finally figured it out. I am not paying anymore, if the mortgage does not get paid, and the house goes into foreclosure, I do not care! I do not care! I will get somewhere to live. Its not the end of the world and the alcoholic is not, in any way shape or form coming with me. he can live where ever he decides, on the street, I do not care! I am keeping the end of my street, I will not pay, no, no, no, no. I MEAN NO and I will stick with it! If he wants to save the house, pay the mortgage, I am not! NO, NO, NO!! I am not paying for misery, to live in a house that is unstable and unsafe for me. I will save the money and use it to get my own place! I am learning and setting boundaries.
I am also, trying, to stay the heck out of his way, no eye contact, no talking to him, just ignore him completely. I get drawn into his BS to much, even when sober! I get sucked back in. I am not a dog! Waiting for his every command and affection! Screw that. I am done and I am going to dedicate myself to my recovery! I am going to get strong and when I do, all he will see is my tail lights as I am gone! I see that I am dealing with an abuser and I am not going to allow him, and his abuse to hurt me any longer! I am going to get so strong with boundaries he will shake in his boots rather than me! Work in process! I am proud of my first big boundary!
Hello Joker,
It is good to make boundaries, some of them are important to stick by especially when it comes to our safety. Other boundaries can change with time. It is unfortunate when an alcoholic's behavior is escalating. We know that alcoholism is a progressive disease. My ex-abf drank all the time but the weekends and holidays were especially hard. He would try to make plans and I would end up doing all the work. So, I understand that you are letting him take responsibility for his own plans. I felt relief when I was no longer enabling my ex. It took some time to learn how to do that. You would think that it would be easy to not help. Unfortunately, I had a very unhealthy codependent relationship with him. I was sick too, but I am doing good now. I wish, I had gotten involved with Alanon sooner. When I look back I realize that nothing changes if nothing changes. Sometimes it is baby steps but you will make it. I hope your day gets better.
