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Today, my estranged AH is supposed to enter a rehab facility. I have no idea for how long - we've been separated since Aug 28. Finally, my legal separation papers are ready for me to sign. Once I sign them, they will be filed with the court, and I will need to serve my AH. In CA, you must have someone besides you that is over 18 serve the papers. No problem. I've decided to hire the sheriff's office, since that will keep family/friends out of the drama. Now I completely understand that it is not my side of the street to worry over how and when he will get them, or what he will do with them. However, his family did ask for me not to do "anything" the first month (Sept) when they were trying to convince him to go into a facility. I complied. They never were able to get him in, he thwarted their every attempt, and finally had to recently almost die (hospital ER trip - long story) for him to accept that he was powerless.
Providing he goes into a facility today, he will end up being served the papers there. I have had ESH from others that this IS the best time to do this... he'll have counselors and program to help him. On the other hand, his family will consider it a betrayal... hitting a man when he's down so to speak. But, I know that this is something that needs to be done to legally protect me and my son from the financial fallout of having an alcoholic spouse/father.
I am feeling guilty for doing this. Even though I know it is the right thing. Honestly, it would be easier if I still had the rage and resentment in me! But I don't. It is a double-edged sword... I am more peaceful due to "putting away" the resentment, but now I find that I am frequently racked with guilt.
How and when did you serve your spouse? How did you get over the guilt?
Thank you.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I think that's the grieving process the guilt. It takes time. My ex was served and he was totally unaware it was coming. The more time that went by the feelings of guilt relaxed because this was about what was best for me. Your AH is right where he needs to be for support. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This , to me, is the best time to serve him...He will have support...and as for you??/ meetings..sponsor...talk with other recovery mates to help keep you strong...guilt is just your mind trying to be a CoDa thinker...You KNOW this is right...now is the time to follow what is RIGHT....what does your heart tell you??? what does your quiet mind tell you??? you said it here..you know this is right....its tough, trusting in ourselves, but we can do it with support and program......Its time you freed yourself up for a new, happier and healthier life...........sending support energy
(((PnP))) - I would let the process play out as it is supposed to. Anytime I try to make exceptions to a functional process with the hopes of deterring disappointment, it seems to go different than I thought (my will vs. God's will - maybe?).
I did not consider myself a people-pleasing person until I had to do some 'tough things' in recovery. I did consider what other people thought about me way more than what I thought about me. Your post clearly states this is the right thing to do for protection of self and child. Let it roll - his reactions to this process is not about you and the same applies to his family.
This disease seems to tell us that we are not worthy at times of 'normal', 'serenity', 'chaos-free' 'joy'. I have to be reminded that I am worthy of all this and more and it is my job to do the foot-work. You got this! I do agree with Serenity that your guilt may also still be a part of the grieving process. None of this is easy and it's draining even when it's the next right thing. Self-advocacy is a full-time job and when it's a new one, it's tough!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Serenity, MamaL & IAH!!! This was exactly what I needed to push forward... IAH, you are right, the disease keeps rearing it's head in the shape of "I'm not worthy." Sometimes, being newer to this, I forget to focus on me and my needs. I am still a work in progress. I think you are so on the nose about getting out of the way, and allowing my HP to guide this... it will keep my head from circling with all the thoughts of "Maybe I should do this," or "They will think better of me if I do this...'
It's so weird though... I went from hating my AH and actually having idealizations of how he could "leave" my life, and now I just don't want to cause him excess pain. Part of me thinks that now that I am out and on my own, I just want to shut down with all that, ya know? Like I almost don't have the energy to cope with the feelings underlying all of this... comfortably numb right now. Odd.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Comfortably numb .. I think that says a LOT right there and it's an extremely interesting statement to me and something to chew on.
There are times I am so emotionally spent that I have to just stop everything, when I break everything down and look at what I am dealing with in my own life then I realize how much is really going on and where I can better serve myself in regards to self care and so on.
I spent a LOT of my life comfortably numb so I didn't have to deal with the onslaught of reality, it was to much and I had adapted to it over time so it became my new norm. Then when I was ready in my time I could then start one thing at a time and I didn't have to do it all at once.
Larcene G I think said it best that you get fed a bowl full of poop and are told it's ice cream until one day you realize you aren't eating ice cream.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well you need somewhere concrete to serve him because those Sheriff's do not go out toi often. Twice is the limit for them
The angle you can take on the swrvice is that you are already separayed. That is nothing new. This is not actually doing anything new. You are just adding more protections
I dont doubt your husband believes one of his options is to go back to you
In the past when my back was against the wall I always thought about going back to old relationships. It is a given
This paperwork only reinforces that he needs to be taking care of his issues. There 8s nothing new there
The feeling of betrayal is common to most of us. We take xare of ourselves it is a betrayal to the alcoholic. That is part of the unentangling. I dont believe it is a betrayal at all.
I asked a good mutual friend of mine and my wife if she would be willing to serve my wife. She immediately declined and I then realized what a mistake it was. My thought had been that there would be a loving caring friend there as I thought it would be hard on her. But it was just too big of an ask and it has driven a wedge between this friend and I.
I then hired a server but my AW was on a psych unit and they wouldn't serve her there which seemed ridiculous to me. As long as the person is coherent it would seem a good place to do it as they will be kept safe. Anyway she finally agreed to stop in and pick up the papers which was fine.
Like you I was worrying about it beforehand as well. After she was served I felt relief. I slept the entire night that night LoL. There was some sadness, especially remembering the good things and the lost potential for a good marriage. No guilt though. I knew it was the right thing to do. You are doing the right thing.
