The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will keep this brief. I am 36 years old and happily married to my childhood sweetheart and two wonderful kids aged 7 and 5. Here is the s** bit, my Mum is a chronic alcoholic and has been since I was around 10/12. She was once a functional alcoholic, however her health has been effected so badly now with her drinking she no longer works. She is in and out of hospital as much as 3/4 times a year after her body crashes. Last October she was admitted and spent 6 months in hospital where we nearly lost her 2 or 3 times. I am an only child and my Dad is less than useless. I spent every day up that hospital and still trying to go to work, run a house, be a mother and a wife. She got home in March and promised to change and get the help she always said she would. I actually believed her this time as I thought there is no way a human could go through what she has and then come back out and so the same thing. Well she proved me wrong again and around 7/8 weeks later she picked up that first drink and its been going on like that ever since. She has so many things wrong with her I really don't know how she is still alive COPD, severe cirrhosis of the liver, heart problems and a perforated bowel which she is treated with through daily anti-biotics as she wouldn't survive the operation. I in in despair, it is effecting everything. She then took unwell the day before I was due to go on holiday with my family and was hospitalised for 6 days and then home for a week did what she does and back in again, but this time they only kept her in for 2 two days. I think even the doctors and nurses are fed up. I have begged pleaded, took her to AA meetings, went to see so many docs, arranged addiction team meetings but nothing. My life is on hold, I cant look forward to anything I cant plan anything. I really am at my wits end and actually feel like walking away. She lives in her own self pitty its poor me poor me... what do I have to live for. I ask her all the time to go out come to my house, but no she doesn't want to. She just wants to sit and drink, then a day later she will call or text and say ok I am going to change. I really really don't know what to do. she turns it all round on me, what do you do for me, its ok for you... blah blah. There is always an excuse always a reason. Any advise is greatly appreciated. I just feel like its a slow suicide and it really is killing me.
Thanks
Linsey x
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of November 2017 10:38:19 AM
Welcome Lindsey I am so sorry to read of your experiences with the dreadful disease of alcoholism. As you have discovered this is a chronic disease over which we are powerless and which affects the entire family. We who interact with the alcoholic tend to put our lives on hold and develop many negative tools to cope with the insanity. Alanon and this MIP Board have been established to assist family members as they develop new constructive tools to live by while still being supportive of our loved ones.
Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. I urge you to check out the schedule and attend. There is help and hope.
Hello Lindsey. Welcome to MIP. I too have been in the place you are now with an alcoholic loved one, and have felt the despair and exhaustion dealing with constant medical crises, and the fear of not knowing what the future would hold for my loved one.
Things began to get better for me when I started attending Al-Anon meetings. The first idea that helped me is "One Day At A Time." I would say that whenever I started to feel overwhelmed.
I learned that I didn't cause - couldn't control - and couldn't cure someone else's drinking, but I could change myself. I learned that I was not alone, and began to hear from others how they were able to lovingly detach. The new way of thinking and acting didn't come immediately, but it did improve gradually as I kept in contact with others in the Al-Anon program.
As I progressed, I came to believe that my loved ones are in the care of a Higher Power ... and I didn't have to define that higher power except to know that it isn't me. The Al-Anon program is open to all of any religious faith or of none.
I too encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting, meet some people, get some literature ... We can begin to heal ourselves and feel some sanity and peace.
Hugs, (((((Linsey))))), I'm so sorry to hear of what's happening with your mother. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but I'm happy that you are reaching out for help, because I know that, for me, reaching out when I felt completely stuck, sick with worry and despair, fearing constantly for my alcoholic partner's health and life and my own sanity, was a turning point for me, the first step towards healing. Alcoholism is too much for most people to handle alone. I absolutely couldn't and nearly drove myself insane trying.
As others here, I too encourage you to look up and attend Alanon face to face meetings, ideally try a few different ones to see which feels most right for you. I have found this board to be of great help to me as well. There really is hope, I have found it in this program, and at the time I first found the program, which was January this yearm I was, just as you describe, on the point of considering just giving up completely and cutting out the alcoholic out of my life, because I was at the point of breaking and just couldn't handle any of the insanity anymore. I had tried everything I could think of, came up with many and various plans for the recovery of the alcoholic, with and without his help, all failing. Ultimately, I couldn't will another to seek recovery, no matter how much I tried.
At the very beginning of my recovery I learned the 3 Cs which were my mantra for a while: I didn't Cause the drinking, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
I too send you a warm welcome Linsey - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too am sorry that the disease is affecting your mother and your family - it is a powerful disease that will suck in anyone it can is some form or fashion. I too found relief and support only when I went to Al-Anon and decided to practice the program as best I could.
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
