The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The anger inside me is so bad. I am angry as Saturday morning, I left and stayed away all night. I did not return till the next day. The abf was still on a drunk. All night. I finally had enough and left for the day and night. He phoned me but I did not answer. I came home Sunday, the house was a mess, beer cans everywhere. I did not clean it up, NO, NO, NO. I just left it and he cleaned it. He is still drinking and its Tuesday. Worked yesterday and today and still drinking. I flipped my lid on him. I told him I am fed up with constantly leaving the house due to his drinking and being sick to and now today, it snowed. I feel even more trapped I told him and I want out of this sick relationship, I had enough and he can do what he wants, I had enough! I am so angry at myself for not taking action sooner to leave. I am angry that I did not move out sooner. I am angry, angry. I feel trapped and angry. I said to myself, what do I do now. I told him, I am fed up with running from my own home because of his drinking and abuse. I told him I had enough! I then walked away. I am thinking, restraining order. I am not going to pay the mortgage for this house next month, no,no,no. I am not going to keep paying and he gets to drink and treat me like crap. The mortgage is in his name. He can pay for it. I am so angry, so angry feeling like I am in jail, and I sick tonight too, severe abdominal pain that I am seeing a surgeon for in December. I am nearing a break down. I can not live with his drinking anymore, I have had a enough, enough! I can not even be in the same room anymore, I need out so bad, so bad. I feel angry that I am in this situation. I feel like an inmate doing time for a crime I did not commit. I hate him so much, I just hate him. I want out, god please get me out!I never hated anyone as much as I hate him. He is a sick man that I have no pity for. I just want out. I need a sane home. I can not do this another day! Being sick too makes this even harder. I do not know how much more I can take before I loose my mind and hurt him. I feel like I want to kick him out but will not leave without a restraining order, or police. I feel so so angry! I want out, god please help me...please help me god to get out of this house and this relationship. NO, No, is the only thing I can think of right now, No I will not pay this, the mortgage, No, I will not drive you, No I will not go with you, No, I will not help you, NO, NO, NO! I am angry, angry at myself, for staying and staying. I need help to get out! I need to get out of this sick relationship. He is not going to change. He is not going to change and I told him tonight and I am done. He says that is not true, I just said you are not going to change and I am done! Done!
I need to share this before I exploded on him more, I feel I may attack him, as the anger is so intense within me! I am so angry at myself and this sick relationship!
I have sympathy for you, since you feel so trapped. I have felt your anger. Al- anon helped me to "Say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean." That took awhile, believe me! You are in my prayers tonight.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
It sounds like you made some major decisions, and are very aware of what you need.
I understand the anger. I felt red hot rage when I was done with my relationship. I used that rage to propel myself toward change. To say things that I was afraid to say in my co-dependent relationship ("I will not live like this anymore" "I need a change, and I am going to ...") I used that rage to set and enforce boundaries. I struggled with not being mean. Before I said anything, I would repeat to myself "Say what you mean, but don't say it mean". With more practice, I got less mean.
It helped me to focus on the next step, and not worry too much about the steps after that. For me, the first step was getting my own bank account and putting my pay checks there, so I could pay my rent and power bills. The next step was paying those bills so I knew I had a place to be. What is your next logical step?
(((hugs)))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
For me the answers came when I began working the program, attending meetings consistently, daily readings, working the steps. Change comes from looking closely at ourselves our own motives, behaviours and attitudes. This merrygoround is highly addictive and we become as sick as the drinker.
(((Joker))) - sending prayers your way. This disease is dreadful and nothing changes if nothing changes...Hope you feel better soon!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
