The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just read on enabling an alcoholic, I must admit I am enabling my abf. I am making life very comfortable for him. To comfortable. I am there to give him money when he has none, drive him to the liquor store, (I have said no before, but last weekend, I did drive him as he was begging me to drive him there, but I did not give him any money, he has his own). I have paid his bills last month, as he was short on cash. I have not paid this bills this month. he paid his own. These are house bills, monthly bills that are in his name, as well as credit cards-all in his name. I have only two bills that are in my name in the house, cable and phone. Even the mortgage is in his name. I have the title on half of the house. There has been huge arguments over that as I have made empty threats to move out and have not done it. I have my daughter that lives with us and she and I pay for the mortgage payments. He just started work on Tuesday. I do not expect that job to last. I have to stop and I have to SAY NO, NO, No! I will not make life cozy for you and you give us hell on earth in return. I am angry at my enabling behaviors. I am waking up to how I am enabling and my god, I have work to do on myself. I go from hot to cold, one minute I say No and then the next moment I am saving him, making life good for him. Buying food (he paid for half of the food bill, the last time we went grocery shopping). Buying things for him he needs to buy for himself, like a shirt. I am guilty of that. I need to say, NO, NO, No..that needs to be my new word, NO, NO, No I will not do this..that, buy this...buy that..no, I will not drive you here, there, No I will not give you money. No I will not pay for that bill. No, No, No. God help me to day NO and mean it. Help me to stand my ground and keep the focus on me. I am sorry you have no money. Sorry, you have no money to pay your bills. Sorry that you have no help. Sorry, you feel that way. Sorry you feel awful. NOT MY PROBLEM. NOT MY PROBLEM! I am sure you will figure it out, not my problem. I have to walk away. God help me to walk away. Give me strength for today. Another, is to not give my attention and time...remove myself from him. Walk to another room, leave the house. Do not give any attention to him. Leave him to himself and his sick mind. If he gets sick of hearing himself, in his head, maybe he will get help. I am waking up so slowly to this sick reality. I just have to keep saying, NO, NO, NO, and remove myself. Keep myself away from him and let him suffer from his own reality. A reality he created and lives in. Its so sad, he isolates so bad, he will not leave the house. I guess, he does not want anyone to see what a sick mess he really is, and he uses the house to hide in so none can see him in full addiction mode. I am in basement ignoring him and getting help and feeling hopeful! Meanwhile, upstairs, the craziness stomps upstairs, alone! have at it, not my problem, not my issue. Let you mind drive you insane, just do not come near me. I know to protect myself, I will call the police if he tries anything to hurt me or my daughter! he knows not to come downstairs! I will not be cleaning the empty beer cans, it will stay where it is left! I do not care if it is piled up all over the kitchen either, I did not put them there. I do not care if the kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it, I did not create the mess. I do not care, do not care, if he has beer spilled all over the floor he had put in 2 years ago, a brand new floor. I do not care. I do not care if he spits on the floor. I did not do it. I do not care, if the bathroom looks like a pig pen. I did not make the mess in it. I do not care, I am putting me first, and my financial welfare first, and the sorry you have no money, not my problem, sorry you have bills, you have no money to pay. Not my problem, not my problem. I am angry, angry and I have work to do on me-work to get healthy and stronger.
One thing I have had to learn is that I have to go easy on myself. No one deals with an alcoholic effortlessly. There is a great deal of problems even for skilled professionals.
i limit how much time I spend around alcoholic's but I certainly have feelings for them.
I am still angry at some of the alcoholic's I know including family members but I go easy on myself over their actions.
Alcoholic's can be very engaging and even very nice at certain times. That is beguiling.
I know when I am in a state of exhaustion I do not get too far.
There is a saying in AA that goes "Do not be too angry, lonely or tired". I used to be maxed out on all of those all the time.
Now I try to limit them and work on detaching.
Detaching is a great tool but it takes a while to learn. I also work on not beating myself into a pulp
Most of all I work on taking care of myself because my health certainly suffered around the alcoholic.
Self care is a new concept to some of us who give ourselves away so tirelessly. It is not learned overnight.
Counselors can help, a sponsor can help, other people can help.
There is a chat room here. There are also meetings twice a week.
There are some resources you really have to dig for.
There are other resources that are just right here.
