The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He is paranoid - and fears things that haven't happened, and aren't in my heart to happen. Such as me having an affair. It's like, if he fears it, it *must* be real, regardless of my reality.
I read this, and its my reality. He is using and paranoid! he projects, things onto me. I am learning, leave the room, leave the house when he starts this insanity. Such an eye opener, to know that I am not the only one enduring this nutty behavior. I have to keep reminding myself, this is not my mind, its not my mind, I have my own stuff to deal with. I deal with reality, he is out of his mind completely. He is mentally nuts! he needs to be in a mental institution, to get the help he needs. OMG. I have even said that to him ,he needs help and needs mental health help, and needs to be locked up! This is insanity at its best! Why do I allow myself to listen to this nutty talk, that is based on paranoid thinking! I must be just as sick too, and then fight to protect my sanity! Argue that he is nuts? I have to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. God help me, to remove myself from this insanity!
There is indeed a lot of paranoia and dependency associated with alcoholism
Learning to not argue is difficult to say the least.
That is a huge step for you
Maresie
Hello Joker,
Alcoholism is progressive and unfortunately it effects the way people think and process information. My ex-abf would usually accuse me of things just to mess with my head. He just wanted me to be in a state of mind where I was constantly questioning my own mental health. Telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist things like that. Then he would go out with his friends and enjoy himself while I was home angry and depressed. I was not in Alanon back then, and I wish I was. I look back and realize how much time I wasted being angry and sad. The program works if you work it. There is great literature out there, and support. I hope your day gets brighter.
I agree with Maresie, the learning NOT to argue... to know your truth, but not feel the need to make someone else understand it was the biggest challenge for me. And I could've actually wrote shrnp's post as well! Luckily, Al-Anon and this forum gave me the tools I needed to:
1) Know that I could have faith in MY truth 2) I did not have to convince ANYONE (least of all my Qualifier) about things that happened 3) The strength and the knowledge on how to detach from my AH's insanity.
For me, detachment worked well, but was only a temporary solution. I just could not sit by and watch my loved one kill himself with drink, nor continue "taking" all the emotional abuse of the situation.
I am following your posts, and with each one I see lots of growth and strength. Keep working it!
Namaste
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Joker
I've seen so much insight from you lately. I think there is a great deal of fear in those affected by the disease (the alcoholic and the Al Anon). Fear makes people think, say and do very strange and unproductive things. My AH has some pretty bizarre thoughts when he's drunk. And in the past I would get swooped up in the chaos of fear and reaction. He'd say something that may or may not be based in truth and I would respond like I was talking to someone in a rational state of mind. It took me a long time (an embarrassingly long time) to recognize that when my AH is intoxicated I cannot rationalize with him. I do similar things...remove myself from it. His reality doesn't have to become my reality. As P and P says about knowing that I could have faith in MY truth was a big thing for me.
Keep working your program. You are doing great!
I have to say that one of the things that hurts me greatly is looking at ways the now ex A went out of his way to isolate me. He made a point of taking up a lot of my time.
He showed his irritation when I was on the phone with my friends, the usual yelling when I was talking to them. He didn't want to talk to me but he certainly didn't want the focus off him.
In our small community he went out of the way to complain about how I was the problem, I didn't clean (his own bedroom was the biggest mess in the house), he wanted me to leave.
They could come over if it wasn't for me.
That went on and on.
If I were friendly with certain people he went out of his way to change that. Funny that when he was always claiming he could not wait for me to go.
When I did "go" I was till the problem in his life. He went on over and over to make it seem that I was always the problem.
I knew this I tolerated it. I tried to "change" it.
That was all part of the pattern of making sure I was always there to 'pick up the pieces'.
That was my role to help him when he bottomed out.
There are a lot of ways that people appear to be rational when there actually is a reason for them to attempt to manipulate you.
The ex A manipulated me to the max for a very long time. I absolutely bought into it. Whatever obstacle he put in my way I tolerated.
He deliberately let me down countless times. That was all part of the pattern.
