The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read on the message board here, and read a member share that the alcoholic uses us and blames everyone but himself and uses us a support system rather then a sponsor or AA.
Well, my heart just went wow. When I read that the alcoholic is using us, my blood just started boiling. I am being used! And I am angry! I am angry that I am allowing the abf to use me for comfort, a nice home, bills paid on time, drives, a back up, to be his venting board, to be his enabler. I am angry that I have allowed this. It's no wonder he does not want to seek help, things are so comfortable and it does not hurt enough! I have not allowed things to be so bad that he has no where else to go. I am an enabler. When I ask myself why? I justify it as I like nice things in my life, I want to be comfortable. I want to have nice things around me. But he will destroy it all. That is his game plan, to destroy everything good that I have worked my ass off to have. He needs to sit alone, with no furniture, no internet, no cable, no net-flex, no food, bills pilled to the sky, mortgage way over due, no gas in his vehicle, just nothing, for him to see the light. I am angry that I have been I will help, help. I am working so hard to just pay what I need for me. He paid his own bills that are in his name the other day. I did not say anything. Its his responsibility, not mine. I need to read about enabling. Plan to do that. I need to help. I need to stop being there. I need to say I am not going to be used anymore. It's like I make 2 steps forward and 2 steps back. I am angry at myself right now, I am being used and abused by a sick person! I keep coming back for more too. Who is responsible, me. I am responsible for me and I need to take action. I now see why I am angry, I am allowing myself to be used and abused! How sick I am.
I am trying to set boundaries with the abf. I am trying not to listen to his poor me, poor me, look at what the world and other people are doing to me, poor me. I am waking away when he starts that crap. I have my own poor me to deal with, I do not need to hear yours. Boundaries, boundaries, I need to have stronger boundaries. God help me, to have strong boundaries that are strong like a iron. I need a back bone. I need to get stronger! I am angry at me right now and I need to keep trying. Anger makes me take action and right now, I have to keep my distance as much as I can, live my life, focus one me. Get a life for myself so I have no time to focus on the abf. Let him fall, hit is head. I do not care. I am now in the basement listening to music and typing this. I am focusing on me, and trying to have some sort of sanity in an insane situation. What can I be grateful for today? Its Saturday! That I am grateful for and I had a long sleep. So needed and I am here, breathing, the coffee I am drinking, a new day! I have to count my blessings and try to gods will..God help me to do your will today. Help me to focus on the good today!
I keep remembering Toby Rice book-getting them sober, I had read awhile ago, let the alcoholic drink, you can stop them, their next drink could be there last. The abf, is drunk upstairs and still drinking. Not my issue. Who cares, it will not be me having the hangover tomorrow or when he decides to sober up. it will not be me that will be shaking and craving a drink. It will not be me, feeling sorry for himself, it will not be me..
The definition of alcoholism is that they keep on drinking despite the consequences. For some people there is never enough consequences.
Enabling gets very bad press. The reason for those behaviors is that it is extremely hard not to do them. Indeed at times sometimes people need to do them.
There are for instances ways to let the alcoholic lay down on the floor if they pass out. You don't just simply walk away and act like they don't exist. That is pretty much impossible for many people even when they disown them they still care. Nothing stops people from caring. Boundaries help set limits but no one learns how to do boundaries overnight.
Admitting to being powerless over the alcoholic is very very painful but it is necessary stuff.
I don't think for anyone it is simply an easy choice.
No one but no one is responsible for an alcoholic drinking except the alcoholic.
They will find a way to feed their addiction where ever they are.
Remember alcoholic's drink when things are good and they drink when things are bad.
Absolutely nothing you did, or could do, contributed to his alcoholism. He is going to drink whatever.
I know people who got sober who had productive lives and said they had decent relationships. Some people do and some people don't.
I do not believe anyone was made to be sober by anyone else. The alcoholic has to decided that.
That is one reason why treatment related sentences don't work. The alcoholic has to want it and be willing to go "to any lengths".
I have been merciless and shamed all my life about my choices. I do not have to take that on.
I had a lot of compassion for the now ex A (I still do but I don't act on it) but absolutely none for myself.
I was always "good" to the alcoholic. I acted absolutely cold hearted towards my own needs.
Maresie, Thank you for this: 'I was always "good" to the alcoholic. I acted absolutely cold hearted towards my own needs.'
As I've reflected on my defects, I realize that a main defect was not having respect for myself. I love how you expressed what it means to ignore our own needs. It's blunt but very true.
For me the solutions were found in the Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings and with the fellowship that loved me before I even reached the doors with a commitment to sit down, listen, learn and stay. That is the daily gratitude for me because I didn't come in easy. I came in with attitude and then learned it was my attitude that got me sick and kept me sick for a long long time. I learned attitude was how I saw things and responded or reacted to them. Attitude I learned in the Navy was how a boat leaned while in the water....to port; to starboard and for me how I leaned in my relationship to others especially the alcoholic/addict. I learned attitudes in my family of origin watching other family members respond and react to the alcoholic/addict relatives and we had our share so on a daily basis I had practice. I also had instruction from the other family members that needed me to do as they wanted me to do in order not to upset the boat/alcoholic. I learned well rather than be punished and put down. I didn't like it however the enabler in me did it to patronize others and not to create havoc which I was good at doing and came to do constantly. I became a fighter and today cannot review that past and keep my peace of mind and serenity at the same time; I have to do it while holding the arms of my HP and with my cell phone connected to a sponsor.
Yes I was used and mostly I volunteered to be used. The first three steps are/were rocket science in getting me to change my thoughts, feelings and actions; to become the Jerry F I was more inspired to be and want to continue on with. Every morning this-a-day I wake up in gratitude for this universal fellowship in gently holding the lantern up and my hand on this journey of peace of mind and serenity and joyous happiness.
I am "Half life-ng" recovery today as my sponsor taught me to understand...I have as much time in recovery as I participating in alcoholism and drug addiction enabling....whoooo weeee.
Am I perfect...naw the program told me I would find only progress to the degree I worked this program as demonstrated and kept coming back because I wasn't ever going to be perfect...always in need.
As for "being used" ...my former Sponsor Don.T told me, "The alcoholic/addict can and will never cause you to practice insanity without your permission". He is and was absolutely true...It cannot happen without my participation and that is justification for "No" being a complete sentence. In this morning's meeting I was thinking of some other lessons from the past and feeling deeply grateful for memory in recovery. I thought of Don a bit more and heard his early on suggestion, "If you want what the old timers have, listen to what they do and then do what they do; that way you will get what they have." When I got over my self and killed my pride and ego (Easing God Out) and was willing to do it their way I got my life back in spades. I didn't even need dietary supplements. LOL.
I learned to use others ESH and they invited me to do so. Thank you God for the fellowship and my life back.
I have to say I had completely unrealistic expectations of pretty much everyone. Then when they didnt live uo to them I blamed them. Thet were certainly to blame for a lot of my problems but ketting go for me was like dying
Personally I dont find it that helpful to call myself sick. I grew up in a really dysfunctional violent home. You dont get great boundaries with that. I was taught to be a doormat to survive
Protesting meant all abuse. My parents blamef me for all sorts of th9ngs. My younger sister went to the same school as me. She has a difficult adjistment. That became my fault.
I belueve to this day my sister resents me around that issue.
One minute I was dirt the next I possessed all this capabilitu to helo her adjist to a new enviornment.
That was the tip of the iceberg.
I leaened to tolerate the intolerable. I had dreams of what a relationship might be but no knowledfe whar that consisted of.
I am nott sure that is #sick# Surviving is honorable learning new ways to #be# is not easy.
Al anon helped with a lot of that. How to de escalate. How to detach. Detach is not not caring it is removing yourself. I care a lot but I xare toi much. Caring too much isnt goid either.
In the beginning we detach in anger which is great then you leaen to detach and forg9ve. I forgove many of the people. Who step on my boundaries but they dont fet to do it again and again. I practice forgiving alk say and the biggest forgiveness is fir nyself. No more berating, no more putting myself into
the ditch.
My relationship with the ex A was an wxtension of what I #knew# . When I cane to al.anon ilearned tools that helped me set boundaries, de escale sitiations and focus on myself.
I craved that focus on myself my whole lifetime snd in the end the main difference came from giving it to myself.
