The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I just wanted to post something about using your tools in other areas of your life. This morning was the umpteenth time my teen son has gotten up late and will be missing his jazz band class (7 am class). While I am getting up and getting ready for the day, he casually asks if he can just stay home for the day.
"Why?" I ask. "You're not sick." Well, he gave me a list of reasons, none of them good enough to excuse his absence. He would need me to call in for him. "Ah, no," I said... Long story short, after much talk/whining/examples/excuses from him, I finally took a deep breath. I Practiced the Pause and then calmly said to him...
"You know, all this talk of excuses and comparing me to other kid's moms seems to me like manipulation. You are trying your best to get me to do something I don't believe in. AND, to top things off, you are using MY fear of your grade dropping or you getting another Truancy as the means to make me do what you want." Manipulation is something I know I am sensitive to. Your Dad did it, and you are doing it too. I will NOT be coerced into calling into the attendance office for you. I told you at the beginning of the school year that now that you are a senior, this was YOUR year. I was not going to go in and save you from things that you can handle yourself, or from the natural consequences of your actions. And your comparing me to other kid's mothers (kids that I think have their sh%T together) makes me feel "LESS THAN," and that is just not fair. You want to stay home to "catch up" on work that you were supposed to already have completed? Fine. But the natural consequence is that you will get another truancy. If that puts you over the allotted amount, then you will need to do Saturday School.
So I drew my line in the sand.
Unfortunately, this exchange brought up a whole host of emotions, and I began to cry (DARN it!). So I calmly got up and told him I cannot discuss it further. This, I guess, made him feel guilty, so he says, "Did I do something wrong, I'm sorry!" Luckily, I was able to stop and tell him, "No, it's not you. You did nothing wrong. I just cannot keep talking about this, so I am going into the other room."
I went into the bathroom and silently cried. Ugh! I hate that my life-experience with my AH makes me feel like this! In a way, it's kind of like PTSD, where it keeps popping up at the most un-opportune times!
Well, I cleaned myself up and went about my morning. Even though I was derailed by my tears, I feel good that I Said What I Meant, Meant What I Said, and I did not say it Mean! It works if you work it!
I hope everyone enjoys their Thursday!
Namaste
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - great use of tools and lovely honest share. You're doing awesome girl....keep working it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Standing up for ourselves can feel uncomfortable at first but it can get easier with Alanon. You did a great job using the program to communicate your feelings and hopefully cultivate a healthier relationship between you and your son. He's becoming a young adult and you are respecting his right to make his own choices as well as your right to do the same. Hope the rest of your day is a goes just as well. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Did I just hear a rocket blast off!!! Sister that was awesome and the tears don't count for making it less than a lift off. The tears display the tool of compassion and empathy which were a graduate study for me also and I didn't graduate I am still in Al-Anon study and practice. Proud of your practice...keep bringing it here. ((((hugs))))
Great job! Teenagers can be very challenging ,,, and I believe when we show them our healthy behaviors it pays off in the long run. I completely agree that our Al-Anon tools are so helpful in all areas of life.
Tiredtonight - I am hoping that I indeed cultivate a healthier relationship!
Jerry - Thank you for the support... your response made me smile!
Thank you, Aline!
Freetime - yes, teenagers are challenging. I hope that he sees my program work and begins to take it in.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
