The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about reacting vs. responding - especially to others when we are suffering. The writer discusses how the unkind words of others felt as well as how criticism sent her reeling. The writer found it hard to consider the harsh words might be untrue and may borderline on abuse.
In turn, she treated others cruelly. Great fun was found assaulting other's character with friends. For a moment, she felt better about herself. Yet it did not last long and was at the expense of other people. Gossip does not ever enrich anyone's character, it's only an excuse to avoid focusing on self.
Today's reminder --- Many of us tend to react rather than act. When we hurt, we may want to strike out and hurt someone else. In Al-Anon we learn that we can interrupt this automatic response long enough to decide how we really want to behave. Someone else's unkindness is no reason for me to lower my standards for my own behavior. When I take responsibility for my actions, regardless of what other people do, I become someone I can be proud of. When I feel good about myself, it's much easier not to take insults personally.
Today's quote from from a Latin proverb --- "If one throws salt at thee thou wilt receive no harm unless thou hast sore places."
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Prior to Al-Anon, I did not see that gossip and trash-talking was harmful to others, let alone me. The program taught me that anytime I am focused outside of myself for any reason, I am closing myself off to my own growth, recovery, lessons and improvement. I certainly took 'everything' personally before arriving, even a bit paranoid at times - assuming 2 in a corner were certainly discussing me/my defects!
I do see now with a clearer mind that it's my own self-esteem and ego that send my thinking to the 'darker side'. The practice the pause in my signature truly has gifted me with inconsequential grace often. If I take a moment, lean into the love of my HP and consider the real facts and the reality in front of me, I am more likely to respond vs. react.
So grateful that growth in this program allows me to value me and others as we are - imperfect yet present for a reason larger than me. I no longer 'see' or 'think' others are doing that 'to me' - instead I can see they are doing 'it' and determine what makes sense for me to do next! Leaving a situation and/or tuning out harsh words truly never cropped into my thinking before recovery. I might occasionally consider 'taking the high road' yet my own disease suggested diving into the pit...
Love recovery, and grateful for all of you! Have a lovely Thursday to one and all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good morning I A H great topic to ponder this morning!!! I know that prior to program all I did was "react" and think that I was very brilliant and could think so quickly.
Not so said my Al-Anon sponsor, pointing out that by" reacting" I was merely giving my power away to others without serious thought about myself and the message I wanted to convey .
Al-Anon tools such as detachment, the slogans. Think, the serenity prayer helped me to see how destructive "reacting" was.
I do believe that by attending meetings were no cross talk is allowed, I have learned to listen with an open mind, process what has been said, and then respond if necessary. What a gift that has been
Thank you for your service today, IAH. Both you and Betty have wonderful shares about this topic! I am not much of a gossiper... but, I DO see myself in regards to reacting. I believe, - at least for me - reaction was how I learned to behave living with an active addict. I was always the one anyone would go to when they needed help. Probably b/c I was more than willing to help bail them out! LOL! So "reacting" became the norm for me. I can now see that I even took pride in how well I can quickly "think on my feet." But as we all know, it does not allow for good process of thought. When reacting, you don't always see the best path, the best choice for you and your loved ones.
Early on in my journey here, I found the slogan on Iamhere's signature... Practice the PAUSE. I think that it helped me immensely before anything else did. While I understand that thinking on your feet is a good skill to have, it should not be your "go-to" move, all the time.
Thank you for reminding me today that "Practicing the Pause" is an invaluable tool in our Program toolbox!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for your service, IAM, and for all the ESH above. Before Alanon I generally thought that I was entitled to react harshly or angrily, or impulsively, because I kind of thought it was my due, if someone else was mean/unfair to me. Eye for an eye, so to speak. I only reconsidered my actions and acknowledged my shortcomings and mistakes when I hit my bottom, so to speak, in any given area, that is, when I messed up so badly I could no longer justify my actions. I'm grateful for the progress I'm making in this regard thanks to Alanon. I've started to like myself, and that is a true gift. I'm still learning and making many mistakes, but at least I know if I'm going forwards, it means I'm not going backwards :) . Standing still, as someone on MIP had written a little while ago, really seems like its actually going backwards rather slowly and unnoticeably.
I still find myself talking behind my current employer's back time and time again. I've never been much into gossip, thankfully, but this is something I really can't seem to stop doing, its almost like a routine at work. I'm leaving my current job in a month, and I hope I can learn not to engage (or initiate) talk about my soon to be ex boss. Maybe I can learn to do that before I leave. That would be nice.
P. S. I got a sponsor today! It was the same woman I approached some months ago, but she wasn't available then and told me I can ask her again in autumn, and I finally did that today, and she could and would take me on now. We're meeting for our first chat tomorrow. I'm grateful I asked and very grateful she agreed.
Love to all, right now I feel like I really have some to spare :)
Awesome news for you Aline - super, super cool that you scored a sponsor and the one you wanted!! Excited you found your courage to ask again - hats off to you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
