The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I took a new step and decided to see an addictions counsellor. Most of the stuff I learnt I had already known but didn't really put into action.....looking after me...my spirit, my well being. Surprise! Having someone now that I can work with on this will be of a benifit. I have homework before we meet again. So something I can focus on.
I will also learn more about how to handle living with an active A. How to really put in place my boundries, and stick to them. Are things I have been doing enabling him. Things I never looked at.
The biggest part of this that frustrates me is the fact that I can't load him up and take him to a detox center! You have to jump through hoops just to get in, even if the person themselves wants to still there is hoops to play with!!
My counsellor asked if I have ever asked what it take to get him into treatment? Well I don't talk to him much at all. When AH is home and drunk I don't talk, when is sober he is at work, I'm either at home or at work.....and we repeat.
Today I feel like throwing my hands in the air and f it! My anger at the system....this disease....is at all time high. I feel like I have gone completely backwards in anything I thought I was doing.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Aloha Curly just asking if you have seen and felt any growth at all in the past time you have been here. Are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings? Of course it is none of my business and I am just responding from what has worked for me in the past and presently. ((((hugs))))
(((Curlyblu))) - I can so relate to your frustration with the 'process' and the red-tape requirements relative to getting help. It's a tedious, mind-numbing process that we try to do when we are stressed out by the chaos/insanity of the disease. In my scenario here, the only way I got through it was using tools from this program - literally and figuratively. I truly had to do One Day at a Time. I truly had to do the next right thing. I had to use the serenity prayer over and over and over again as when I found a place, they would not take insurance and .... - it's a very long process.
I am glad to see that you've decided to get some outside help. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for your journey. I can also relate to 'time to talk' to an active A. There is no 'good time' and surprisingly enough, when I really let go and focused on me, each time - the A led the way to asking for help.
I too would not have survived without the support of Al-Anon meetings, program, people. Sending you the best - you deserve it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Face to face hasn't worked for me due to my work schedule. The meetings are in an neighbouring town and start before I'm don't work. So I choose a counsellor. We have a plan of things we need to work on personally for myself. Things like looking after myself, doing things for me, and not to feel guilty doing it; setting boundries, how to detach.
I have learnt a lot since coming here, a better understanding of how I can not control what AH will do. As much as AH will resemble a child with his behavior, I might be able to lay down the law with a child that it bed time....I can not with an adult active A.....lay down the law and force any kind of help. AH has to want it. HA!
A hard part is separting his actions are not a reflection of me. This is all him.
Even though I have been coming here for a while now, I think going to this counsellor has showed in I need to go back and start over with my own recovery.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
After my meeting with an addictions counsellor, I pondered many of the questions that had been asked.......Have you ever asked your AH what it would take for him to get sober? No Are you prepared to leave him if he chooses not to? No, I most definately am not ready for that. Have you laid down boundries if he chooses not to get sober? No I never thought that he wouldn't really do it at some point.
After pondering, I decided to call him up, he was at work and I was pretty sure his job of the day he would be alone. Sure enough AH was. I started of with some small talk, then I flat out what will take. Of course he got quiet, then said "I will work on it?" I said "No, you need to go into treatment" AH said he is going to do it on his own, I told him how he tried this a few months ago and here we are now. Told him I understood how hard it was going to be, and that he needed to talk to someone, if that person isn't me, understandable, it needs to find someone to talk to. I also told him that this is final chance, and if for whatever reason he can't do it, we will discuss my next move. Maybe I shouldn't have left it open ended. But I did.
I also told him that his employer knows, and knows things he has done because of it. I never told him before that his employer knew, I see how now that I should have. I think he was ready to hear it though. The time has come for some tough love.
So that is my update on AH
As for me, today I'm going back to the start and work on me. I have hobbies I enjoy doing that I havent done in long time. I have the radio on because music gets me through so much...love love it. This afternoon I have a coffee date and it'll be one that will be that has nothing to do with AH at all......real adult conversation!
Have a great all (())
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
(((Curlyblu))) - love that you said what you mean, mean what you say and didn't say it mean! Yay for you! I have to share that music also carries me - love, love, love it too! Continued positive energy and prayers are sent your way - you too have a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for sharing, its a shame you cant get to face to face meetings. This is where you get the support from those who have walked your shoes and the knowledge from those who found serenity. Good for you for reaching out and getting a counsellor, I know its important to take steps to feel more empowered and less helpless.
One suggestion I thought of was taking the steps here on the step board, its not ideal especially when it comes to step 5 and 6 but you could also use the online meetings, it may help with making progress on the spiritual side of Alanon. For me i find the spirituality vital and I'm not sure a counsellor would or could take you there with that, although I may be wrong.
Its a difficult road we walk and its working the steps that gives the understanding of the nature of the disease and how we become effected with distorted and disturbed thought processes. Good luck
(((Curlyblu))) - love that you said what you mean, mean what you say and didn't say it mean! Yay for you! I have to share that music also carries me - love, love, love it too! Continued positive energy and prayers are sent your way - you too have a great day!
Ha I didn't even realize that was what I had done till now. But so true, I wasn't mad, I didn't break down into an ugly cry, I stayed strong.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
I totally understand that F2F would be ideal, right now it's just not in the cards. My work is one where the schedule is set, if I started asking to have it reworked, it doesn't just effect mine it will effect 4 other directly. So instead of a "basic" counsellor, I chose an addictions. The person may or may not have ever been in my shoes, hard to say. However does have an understanding of the program.
As for my spirit, that is one place I'm happy with. I have a different understand than some around me, and that is fine. I know my HP has put me here in this moment for a reason. I am right where I am supposed to be. I have to be open to the lessons I am supposed to learn. One of which I know is looking after myself, putting myself first (not in a selfish way). So you may be right my counsellor may not be able to assist in growth in that area, I have other supports for my spirit
I have found meditation as well. I'm just starting out and have already found it be relaxing.
The road will be a life long travel for myself, my family and AH. It truly is One Day At A Time.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
You're exactly where you are supposed to be or it would be different (that's they way I view life, any ways!) If/when time frees up, give those F2F a try - I truly did find a lovely 'tribe' with my group - feel lucky. We talk, text, fellowship beyond our meetings and it's just another new thing for me.
A good counselor will help you no matter what their expertise is. You'll know if it's where you need to be - trust your gut/growth. I did it for a while and it did help when I needed it. Keep moving forward with whatever tools/support you can use - that's the beauty of recovery - there is no 'one way' only path. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well here am I faced with a very tough decision to make. Not even a week ago, I had a brief conversation with my AH, about his drinking. And I that can not do it anymore. He again said he would do it on his own. I don't him I was giving him one chance and one chance only. The we would discuss my next move. Well wouldn't you know it....I have to either take action or eat my words! He was drinking while I was at work.
Oh I know he will lie and say he wasn't......you weren't home how would you know....but of course as no idea he actions speak louder than words. Even when he is pretending to be drink free...mannerisims shine through. I won't say that my daughter said.....he is already treating her like he doesn't like her.....she's just a kid and he is being such a.........
So today I have to decide my next move! One the hardest things I have had to do.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Curly your post reminds me of my past coming thru recovery in the program and out of it. Out of it was only myself and in it was with a major group of fellow program people who shared their ESH with me and supported me 100%. Still it wasn't perfect and I didn't know what perfect was either. I got a sponsor that clued me well, "There are consequences for everything you do and everything you don't do...choose your consequences well. That rocket-science suggestion had me put my brakes on and slow down and add prayer and meditation to my recovery. Try our online meetings for more support.
Still in support Curly...you are not alone by any means. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
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