The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to share my progress. I went to a face to face al-anon meeting and 2 AA meetings (do not need it, but need insight). I had been feeling so angry, angry at alcoholism, what it did to me, as I grew up in it, and kept the cycle going. Maybe I finally see alcoholism in its true state, all its ugliness, pain, suffering. I have never hated anything so much, as alcoholism and alcoholics. In an AA meeting I shared and I told the group, the anger I felt and the destruction their alcoholism did to me. I was livid. I was so angry. I deserve to feel that emotion. Prior to going to the meeting, I hated, alcoholics so much. I felt better after I shared and said what I really felt. I am not in that place today, thank god, it passed. I went to an al-anon meeting later in the week and shared on other issues, where I cried, but was not angry. And the tears were not that bad, to let it go.
The drinking by the abf continues in the home. He however, did go to a AA meeting I told him he needed to go after the last drunk and said you need to go. He knows about recovery. Been in AA before. I went with him, but did not share at the meeting, and he did not either. I know not to share anything, not my thoughts or feelings with him at all, no, no,no, as he would use that against me and obsess about why I said what I said and what did that mean and get angry for me sharing what I feel. I have learned its non of his business. I will share with the group when he is not around. End of story. I do not trust him and he is to sick. way to sick. He is to messed up to understand anything right now. It was good to share a meeting with him. For that I am grateful.
Friday afternoon he went and got his work slip for work, but had to submit a resume. A resume that highlights his specialized experience (drinking, lol), just kidding, he is an electrician, and needed a resume that showed he knows about commercial experience, well, that request, his anxiety went through the roof (he said), and he went on a drunk. Today, its Sunday, and he is passed out, exhausted from drinking non stop since Friday night. The resume got done with my help, as he told me his experience in that field. I helped with the resume because it was not related to drinking and it was to help him get a job. (my mind says, he will not last at that job due to his excessive drinking patterns, but then I could be surprised, who knows what will happen). After working on the resume for hours, I was exhausted, but he was just warming up for a bender. I went to bed, and had a rough night .
I put in the ear plugs but could still hear him talking to himself. At 6 am I had enough and could still hear him talking to himself and yelling at the "witches, and devils to get out of the house" I confronted him and said "what the hell is wrong with you, your sick" He said I am praying. I told him he needs help and needs to see reality. I further went onto to say, the only devil is you in this house, what is wrong with you. I need to call the mental health team. Suddenly, he said there is nothing wrong with me. I am not seeing and hearing things. It was complete personality change. I saw it. It was like he just snapped out of it and was acting somewhat normal. It was scary. To be able to switch personality that quick to act insane, yelling and screaming to devils and witches to get out of the house to there is nothing wrong with me, what you talking about? I just walked out and got into my car and went and got myself coffee before I went nuts to. I went back into the basement and watched tv and had some quite sane time with myself. I was angry, as I had hardly any decent sleep all night. I went and got a massage to compensate at 10 am. It felt good to leave the drunk to himself! He could do what he will do! I felt this is me time today!
After the massage I came home and got an overnight bag ready and left for the day. Talk to yourself all day, I do not care. Drink I do not care. I do not care, I am done, done.
I had a great day, visited sister and another friend and laughed and had a fabulous day. So grateful, I went and took the time for me! Twice he called me and I said I can not talk to you and hung up. I refused to talk to him when he is out of it. The last call, he said I am calling my ex-wife Donna and I said I am driving, I have to go and hung up. I just do not care. I do not care.
I came home at 8pm and he had a 24 pack of unopened beer and a Micky of vodka bottle, he had drank. He was on the phone with is ex-wife that wants him back. She keeps telling him they are ment to be together. I just laughed at that, if it was to be, why did she divorce him, leave him when he was struggling with his addiction before I came into the picture? what happened to through thick and thin? mmm. Not my bs. Insanity. He said me Donna are I are getting back together, you need to leave, we are not getting along and Donna and I will be happy. She was on the phone and I said Dennis your drunk and have been for the past 4 days and you need to do what you need to do. I said I will not argue with you. I said, this is my house and you need to give me back my money and I will be out of your life for good, because remember. this house, my name is on title too. He said, I will give your money back and I said good and I knew I did not care, did not care at all, anymore, and walked out of the room. I let him talk to her in his drunken 24 hour bender. I was so surprised as to how detached I felt. I felt so good. I was happy. I felt calm and relaxed. I just did not care. I felt no anger, no jealousy nothing, but pity. I went to my bedroom (do not share a bedroom with him,no), and put on music on my computer and read from survival to recovery Al-anon book, (the awareness, from this book is unreal and made me see alcoholism at its best and what I endured and I am done, I will not allow alcoholism to steal my sanity, it has robbed me of a lot already and I am done, done), and just let him talk insanity to her. I just thought to myself: She can have you, please take him. Take him out of my life as I am done. I am done, have this prize. Have this broken person and if you can fix him have at er, I am done. I tried and I give up. He can be your problem.
Deal with him Donna: Please. Have his drunken breath, his groping, his yelling and screaming of devils and witches. keeping you up all night, talking to himself, not being there at all, either sleeping or drunk, not being able to stand on his own, his endless bills, not working, no money saved up, living from paycheck to paycheck and having to pay all these bills he racked up, his bankruptcy, his 2nd mortgage payments. his isolation, his anger outburst, his mood swings, his endless talk of god and wanting to be a preacher and not doing anything to straighten his life out, his embarrassment at public and family events where he gets kicked out of public places, his complete alcoholic sickness. Please Donna, have it all, and release me of the misery. Let him, become your issue and obsession. I am Done, Done. Please from woman to woman, take this sick man and heal him since you have all the answers to his issues and can heal him. If you can heal him, you must be powerful, more powerful than me, and have a good time with him. I get to be free at last. You have done me a great favor. The favor is so wonderful. I hope you will find all the happiness you want with him. I am done, done, done. I do not care anymore. I am done with him completely. I hand him over to you and I can not and will not ever be able to love him. I can not. That bridge is closed as the hurt is to much for me and I am done hurting. I want to have good feelings, happiness, joy, peace, sanity, respect. All things this sick man can never ever offer me. He is beyond my help. I am just completely done. I have no feelings left for him at all. I just have no in love feelings I once did. I have nothing of love left in me towards him. I am done, done, done. I know in my heart, I feel it. I just now have to find a way to move out now and close that chapter of my life. I went on line and looked for an apartment last night but just did not feel that urge to get a new place just yet. I was not panicked. I just felt I need to stay here for awhile yet, the time is not ready. He can move in with her, please, move in with her. That was something he said he would do, move in with her, answer to my prayer I wanted to scream to the roof! Yes, please, move in with her, save me from moving out!
This morning, he got up and he asked how I was, great I said. I reminded him he was on the phone with his ex-wife Donna and planned to get back together. His response was I was drunk and I should not ever have phoned her. I said you were serious about getting back together. He said I was drunk. How many times I heard this, over and over again. I know how the game goes. When he is drunk he runs to her and then when sober becomes repulsive of her. Says she is evil woman and I never want her back. She hurt me bad. She is a evil, evil woman. I just let it go. Not my problem, not my issue as I just do not care anymore. I am done with giving my emotions to this sick alcoholic. I am not believing anything that comes out of his sick mouth, sober or drunk. He does not know what he wants and all he obsess about is his next drunk. Nothing else matters. I do not care, I do not care anymore. I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS MISERABLE RELATIONSHIP AND GET MY OWN PLACE. I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, GOD GET ME OUT, I PRAY! GOD HELP ME TO BE FREE OF THIS SICK ALCOHOLIC RELATIONSHIP WITH D.J. SET ME FREE. LET YOUR WILL BE DONE AND SET ME FREE AND HELP ME TO MOVE ON! AMEN.
Today, I feel good. I woke up and I feel thankful. Read some more of from survival to recovery al-anon book and about to get myself some timmies coffee. The coffee table has empty beer cans and I do not care. I just do not care. I am so fed up with how alcohol has stolen from me, all my life, and I am not going to give it any more of my life. I am going to live and have a life I can say I created for myself. I have a ways to go yet. I am making progress. I have made myself an appointment with my therapist for November 1 and I will be discussing some of the al-anon book and my insights. I am going to continue to go to meetings and keep trying. I am getting stronger, so slow. I am proud of myself for how I handled the situation yesterday and so thankful for how calm and sane i felt walking into the home last night while he was on the phone. I am glad, as the focus was off me and he was not trying to harass me and keep me up all night. Maybe, he has found happiness with her again! I will go and take care of me today. I will pray for continued sanity!
i competed intensely with others for the now ex A's attention. There was his non existent business partner (like most ventures there was no money there) all his friends who of course took precedence over me, the freeloaders who wanted to live at our house for free (they eventually did, his uncle, his mother, the neighbors.
I felt like everyone got more than I did. In reality there was nothing to get. I invested heavily in helping him do all kinds of things. He made no such investment in my interests. He left me high and dry countlessly, when I was in the hospital, at work stranded in the middle of the night, when I had to go to work, on holidays (always without a second).
There really was nothing to compete against. Of course every venture he took on went to nothing. He had to destroy it all, cars, homes, and eventually his health. His expectations of me were always that I would be "there'. Even when he was stating we were finished he put my name down as a contact for the fall back on his storage unit.
I worried ceaselessly about this demise. He needless to say came to it frequently and often. He blamed me for every little thing.
I took on the blame and then some.
I raged on and on and on about all the competitors.
I have watched my alcoholic friend go through very similar issues with her "boyfriend" although calling him a boyfriend is a completely inadequate description of him. There is nothing much friendly in their interaction.
This stuff is very very compelling.
I know now not to compete with anything. I do not anymore. I let go time after time. Eventually after enough abandonments I did let go but I had to be on a very low level to get there. I had to sever all hope of getting anything from him for all the investment I made. That cost me dearly and it was very very very hard to let go of.
The kind of self destructive pace that some alcoholics/addicts go to is really very very difficult to do anything about except try to put yourself out of the way.
Of course since we are so invested that feels like dying
They are really good at seeming like there is someone else who is going to get the goods. There was no "goods" to get in my case.
The intensity of being with someone who is so hell bent on destroying themselves is very very compelling, the investment is total.
The ex A threw everything we built away and then some. Then he expected me to feel sorry for him and dedicate even more time to him when I was barely squeaking by.
He would criticise me relentlessly, decry me to everyone, then come back and lay on the sweetness.
He would alienate everyone and then some in my life. My boss, my co workers, my friends, every single thing so I only had him.
He managed to subvert every job, every second of my days.
That made it even more compelling because I was so angry at him.
The rage was completely unmanageable. I let it all out of course because I could not manage it.
Then he would come up with a new way to cause even more chaos. And always I was to "blame".
His cruelty and attempts to undermine me were considerable. He made significant inroads on my health, mental health and almost got me in situations I would never have got out of.
And he would always claim it was always my fault to the neighbors, his mother (oh his all consuming mother), my friends, my coworkers and my bosses.
That kind of spiral is incredibly difficult to extricate yourself from.
The kind of detachment I had to muster was really considerable.
It took all my energy to survive and it almost totally consumed me and took me to new lows of depression and despair.
I admire your resolve to see above all the chaos, desperation and of course the tremendous confusion.
Thanks for sharing and I can relate to both posts. The disease is devastating for families, its like a poison that spreads. I think most of us who have lived in the chaos and insanity can relate to long list of things done to us and said to us by the drinkers in our lives. For me that list lasted for many years and actually kept me locked in to the insanity because it was feeding my distorted thinking.
Of course it is important to see and be aware of our anger and to face it and to know how we feel. To stuff our feelings away is not healthy either and something that is on my list but its about balance.
When I focused on the drinkers in my life and their bad behaviour and then got angry they had so much power over me. I truly believed I was a victim and because I believed that it stopped me getting anywhere near the solution. Alanon has taught me to look inside of me and see the reasons within me for accepting unacceptable behaviour. I can not change another human being and I had to accept I too was sick and I too had bad behaviour and my own thinking had become distorted and liek the preamble tells me I had become unreasonable without knowing it.
To constantly view the drinker as bad and immoral or like some kind of monster kept me from ever looking at me and the choices I had and the changes I had to make in me and for my life. It looks like you are taking steps towards recovery so well done and keep on going.
I will go and take care of me today. I will pray for continued sanity!