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Hi guys! Iām new and really need some advice or support. My partner and I have ha a few ups and downs and itās down to his drinking. I knew when we met he liked a drink but then it got out of hand when he drank for weeks at a time. When we first got together he slept with someone else, albeit it was only two weeks we were dating but he tried to deny this but I found out.
For the past few months things have been great andhes not touched a drop. We spoke about marriage and trying for a baby. Lastnight he seemed really agitated with me and bit my head off. I didnāt rise to it and just went to bed. Today he said he was going shopping but I just knew he was going to rink and yup he has. Heās turned his phone off. Said he would be home later and I e not managed to get any contact with him for the past four hours. I feel sick to my stomach about cheating, trouble he might get himself into. Heās not a good drunk, he can be rude and would fight Goliath. Heās never been physically abusive to me but he does at some mean things like I control him, Iām a slut, that he doesnāt want to be with me. Itās really affected my self esteem and feel like Iām constantly on edge with him incase he does drink. Any advice would be great let appreciated. I have a son from a previous relationship who is eight and adores him. I hate having to lie to him saying that heās working etc. I feel physically sick of the not knowing. Sometimes heās out for the whole day and night without a phone call nothing.
Hi, Natalie, welcome to MIP :) Its great you are reaching out. My road to a saner and happier life began when I reached out and went to my first Al-anon meeting. If you haven't attended any face to face meetings yet, I sincerely recommend finding one or two and attending. I used to go nuts, sick with worry thinking about my alcoholic partner all the time, what is he doing, why, and how can I make him stop drinking. In Alanon I learned to take better care of myself, though I'm still very much a work in progress. In Alanon folks generally don't give advice, instead we share our experience, strength and hope (ESH). I've found that this way is good and works very well for me as it does for many others. You are not alone... Hugs, and keep coming back.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it. I think I will go to the meetings. I really am at my wits en and my friends and family donāt understand. Some of them donāt even want to know and have washed their hands but itās just so difficult. No contact for over five hours now. His phone is off and Iām sick to my stomach x
Detaching is one of the tools you can learn in al anon.
It is one way to take your attwntion off them. In the beginning it isnt easy
There is a chat room associated with this board. For me at 9ne time the chat room was very helpful. Then there are meetings with this board too. When you feel enveloped in.anxiety that is one way yo deal with it too.
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Remember plenty of us have been whete you ate. There is no jydgment here. There is suport kindbess and empathy
Personally I have abandonment issies so someone disappearing on me is very very troggering. All the emotions may not be directly associated with what was oresent but I was innenormous pain. For me to be able to label the pain and understand some of the source helped a lot
There are many tools inmal anon that can help
Most of all know you are not alone. You have people who understand a great deal of where you are at.
Welcome Natalie As you can see you are not alone There is help and hope so please do search out alanon meetings and attend My self esteem rocketed as a result of attending and I know you will find support. Please do keep coming back
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I pray that I may keep my eyes trained above the horizon of myself: I pray that I may see infinite possibilities for spiritual growth.
Thank you so much. Hey m in Scotland UK and I have found some meetings in my area which Iām going to attend. I have abandonment issues too so for me this sends my anxiety through the roof. Iām proud of myself tonight however as normally I would be down knocking on his door and calling him but tonight I think that all the outcomes would lead to me feeling like garbage and the only outcomes will lead again to me feeling awful about myself. Iām not doing it anymore. I will sleep, albeit broken and an awful night but itās better than being verbally abused, him not at home or him being at home with another woman. So itās best I just stay away and ignore him and when itās out of his system we can talk and let him know itās not okay.
Dear Natalie...OK...so far, at least for now, you want to stay with this alcoholic who is abusing you verbally...Ok..So lets talk about what Natalie is gonna do for Natalie...First of all I would get into as many meetings as there are days and discover ME and how do I take care of me??? I would tear into the steps, get a sponsor to guide me in those steps and I would really really work on discovering myself and how to love myself as you are a child of the universe...
You are NOT a slut and all the other crap he said to you..He is a miserable soul who is so down in the darkness of addiction that he is taking his self hate out on you...They attack because hurting people hurt people...yea, its sad, but he could get into AA and arrest his drinking and work to be in a better place.....So, you have a choice..Get out and save yourself OR get into Al-anon hot and heavy and stay and save yourself, either way , you need Al-anon because his disease has impacted you and oh yea, I get the "self esteem" my FIRST alcoholic husband , instead of reaching out for help and getting better, it was easier for him to tear me down...and I was ignorant back then..Al-anon, I was clueless about, but I had enough spunk to dump the guy and move on....it would be way later that I would find out that my parents drinking impacted me so bad that I kept "marrying" (2 marriages) what I knew..what was "normal" for me...I grew up in dysfunction so I married it ..Al-anon was my salvation....now?? You couldn't pay me to be around ANYone who is addicted to liquor or drugs....I smell it and I am gone...running as fast as I can....but I had to discover me and work out MY issues and learn healthy self care like detachment, (stepping back and letting them to their own devices while I take care of me) and standing up for my boundaries (what I will accept/not accept) and STAND to my boundaries...It took work and effort, but I am worth it and I am here for the lifetime....
I am sorry he treats you like that..that is awful to say such hurtful things but remember, it is HIS darkness he is tossing at you...what HE thinks is HIS issue, never yours....and I wouldn't be too mad at the family...I get where they are coming from..They can't stand to see you be treated like that and so they, because they know you have a mind of your own, have detached from you and this boyfriend whom they must loathe....I understand it...My dear cousin's daughter, my niece, married an alkie cheater and verbal abuser (yes, he was alcoholic and a bastard to her) it got so I just could not handle her drama anymore and I had to tell her "when you want to save yourself and get into Al-anon and help YOU and love YOU and talk about YOU, call me..but i can't deal with the drama anymore" and I had to tell her....hearing her pain over and over without any moves on her part to help herself was bringing ME down and I just had to "cut her loose" to work this out on her own...She finally got into Al-anon and SAW that she deserved way better and she dumped the guy and is now in the midst of a divorce...He shows up drunk to see the children and she had to get an order that "no visitations when he is drunk" OH what a mess!!! and the little girl is showing signs of the damage he has done..She already has fear and other behavior problems that stem from being in that environment....Sad as it was, I had to detach from her because she kept staying in that situation where the abuse, (verbal and horrible) was bringing her down and I could not stand to witness it anymore....
Anyway, I am glad you reached out to us..That means you want to be in a better life and be in a better place and you DESERVE it...
Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate it and I really need to get to a meeting and get some help. Itās 5:20am here and still no sign, text etc. Iām consideribg going to his house. I just hate being out of control and the not knowing whether someone else is there, cheating etc. Heās a tall handsome looking boy who has all the chat. I just think if someone like myself can fall for it there will be millions of girls who can. When we first started stated he was sleeping with a 21 year old also. He is 35. I have this burning horrible rage feeling in my tummy, my eyes are stinging. This is not the life for me. I know I donāt deserve this or names Iām called. The reality is Iām a single mum, with a gorgeous eight year old son, Iām a professional, I have a house, car, cat, family and friends. He is the one with the problem, no job, his own family cannot be bothered with him. It hurts because I love them so much and losing him means I would lose them as would my son. Everything is a mess.
Just giving you an update. He didnāt come home. I went down to his own house this morning and he was passed out on the sofa with empty beer cans surrounding him. He told me to go away and that he wasnāt clubbing or cheating, he needed time to himself and I should just leave him for a while. I did that remained calm and came home. I took my son to his parents house, my partners father took my son out golfing and I sat and spoke to his mum. She was very insightful and has attended meetings and it was really good just to have a no hold bars conversation as I tend to sugar coat things to friends and family. Itās her son, she knows him all too well. Iāve messaged someone for the meeting tomorrow night so fingers crossed that I go and get some things off my chest or meet similar people in similar situations. Thank you all for your words lastnight. It really did help x
Aloha Natalie and good on you for checking in and interacting with the fellowship. This fellowship has deep experience about what you are going thru because we have gone thru it ourselves one way or the others
Alcoholism is a 4 way disease of the mind, the body, the spirit and emotions...It is progressive always getting worse never better as long as it is not arrested by total abstinence. You did not cause this disease and condition and you cannot control it or cure it, you are absolutely powerless over it and it is fatal. It can and will kill him and take you with it if and when it gets the chance and is participated with yet that is not necessary if and when we surrender and abandon ourselves to a power much more greater than ourselves.
He sounds like he is at "end stage" alcoholism...that stage that is reached just prior to physical death. You already have heard some stories about the victims of this disease and their outcomes and all of us here have at or near that stage. I don't like talking about that condition because it is gruesome and MIP is a place of faith and hope.
This is the place and time for Natalie to rescue Natalie and for us to support that. I am in support along with the others. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Personally I could.find a lot of good in the alcoholic for a ling time. I believe I really bought into the fantasies he projected so well.
I know one of the problems with having abandonment issues was that I tolerated the intolerable. Most people perceived me in a different way because of them. I am glad they dont know the level of that kind of pain and anxiety.
For me it didnt have that much to do with my.self worth or
even alcoholism. It was all about being triggered
The focus on #him# was solely to try to manage the unmanageable. Nevertheless the now ex A was fully aware of the kind of anxiety I was suffering
I think it is a hard thing to acknowledge that someone who
I cared about was willing to use my.vulnerability to their own end.
I wore my vulnerability very plainly. Nowadays I protect my vulnerability because certainly no one else ever did.
Boundaries and the suggestions of the program helped me a great deal. I also was willing to acknowledge the pain of the abandonment. Alcoholics ultimately abandon themselves.
Acting in my own self interest is very new to me.
It is very much worth.all the effort to work through those issues.
I went to my meeting lastnight. It was very good to hear and I couldnāt speak because I just burst into tears. But at the end I spoke with the lady chairing the evening. Feel more positive today. So definetly giving this a go x
(((Leonatalie2))) - so glad to hear you went to a meeting last night! Also, so glad to here you feel more positive today. I can say that I too cried and had no words for a while - not sure if they were tears of sadness for everyone's stories and me or tears of relief as I was no longer alone and there was hope!
One day at a time is how we roll and if that seems to hard, one moment at a time! Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Natalie, just sending a quick hug and some encouragement. Loving is never easy and loving someone that doesn't always treat you well is even harder. I am just starting here as well and I know that this is a good step for both of us. Move forward, take care of ourselves!
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Thank you God for most this amazing day...
e.e. Cummings
Thanks story girl. Hope you are well. Sending you lots of love.
Update from today he has went off again and saying that he doesnāt want to be with me anymore and that Iām a bad mum subjecting my son to being in a relationship with an alcoholic. He says he canāt be with me. He isnt going to stop drinking and will drink himself to death. That if I canāt walk away from him then he needs to do it. He wants to be left alone and hung up the phone and turned his phone off. Iām at my wits end and just feel I canāt even function. Absolutely crushed beyond belief.
I know that is an alcoholic at their most honest behavior and then It still hurt deeply. The hurt didn't come from her it came from me because I had created another picture of my alcoholic/addict and our relationship from fantasy...not knowing about the disease and what it was and what it did including the denial about what was already happening and what I was hearing. My life was negative fantasy and not even close to what I pictured it would be and then it started out that way still in fantasy. I remember her saying things that were totally out of center for a healthy relationship and I stayed confused about that until I watched them actually happen. She was one of the women I drank with so there.
Let the disease teach you the right things to do the "how you want things to go in your life" and keep yourself with others who have been there, done that and now know a very different way of living.
I hope his honesty, no matter how it feels now, helps you. ((((Hugs))))
As hard as it feels to do, keep trying to just focus on you and allow things to unfold. Your post reminded me of the three C(s) - I did not Cause this, I can not Control this and I can not Cure this. Feel your feelings and know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone and hugs to you all. He calls and begged me to go pick him up he was sorry, he loved me. I went. He had a bag and I asked if drink was in it. He said yes. I told him you can come with me but not bringing that. He said no. I drove off. Came home. He then called me 17 times, left voice messages, begging me to go to him. Then when I didnāt answer I got the rude texts telling me to F off and asking are you for real? When I did call him back I did so with peace like I spoke about in my meeting. I said hi, returning your calls. He said again f off and go away. I did and now Iām laying in my bed and going to get sleep. I feel more in control. What will he will be xxx
I certainly went through that abandonment followed by extreme demands. It is pretty mind numbing
At one time I put my phone on aeroplane mode
I paid for that on another level but it turned off the contact.
By then I was willing to let go.
The pull from that kind of.behavior is tremendous.
Some of the reason I.stopped was we had pets (who.I haf to take on when we separated). He was not just appalling to me. He was extremely neglectful to them.
I could put up with unspeakable stuff I.could not subject them to it.
If I saw that A now I would walk the other way.
I have no interest in hearing how badly he is treating himself or what his mother is not.doing.for him.
(((Natalie))) - hugs to you and my hope and prayer is that you did get some sleep/rest. Your share reminded me of the times when my A(s) did not get 'what they wanted when they wanted', so they too would hound me persistently with calls/texts. I was very uncomfortable blocking them the first time, as it just felt so wrong on so many levels. Yet, my sponsor kept reminding me that if I hold firm with my boundaries, they will find help from another or surrender. I had to be told almost every day that detaching and self-care were healthy steps to take. It did not feel good until it did....
Take good care of you. Be kind and gentle with you. You are not alone and it's healthy to have boundaries - even if it feels 'uncertain'.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is horrible isnāt it. I tried not to tell this morning when he continued to phone me and demand I pick him up and take him for a social security interview. I told him no. I told him that I wasnāt doing it. I yelled that I hated him and that he is making me ill and I will lose my job because Iām dropping everything for him. He was nice then abusice. He kicked my car when I did go and get him. He tried to get out the car when it was moving. Then he pushed me from behind. Took al his clothes I packed and throws them over the street, pushed me. Talking about my family and everything. Now heās California me asking to my son and I said sober yes but drunk no and he started yelling that heās a better role than me. I feel myself justifying myself that I work full time, I have a bought house, car, he has none of this. He then gets more irate and I just drive off in tears. Canāt wait to get to a meeting tomorrow x
Yes I need to not argue. Because me reacting just gives so much energy that isnāt getting used or useful. Heās home tonight and went right into bed. Iām dreading the bear with a sore head tomorrow. Just feel like Iām being used now as Iām the only one who hasnāt washed my hands with him. Not only that my period is late and Iām just thinking this is enough to send me over the edge if I could be pregnant. I took a pregnant test but negative. May just be the stress to be fair x
Thankfully I am not pregnant. Today I left for work and left him in bed. He then called me at work and asked me to drive him somewhere I told him no. Then I discover heās in one of his drinking buddies house and drunk. Then tonight at he asked me to go get him. I did. Then heās crying asking me to take him to his own flat because he needs alcohol and he is withdrawing. He has been drinking for Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and today. I told him no. If he wanted to that he could walk there and that he was able to walk the theee miles to his friends today to he could walk tonight too. I told him I was no longer being a taxi for him. He tried the pretending to have stomach cramps, then screaming saying he was ārattlingā then continued please please again I said if itās that bad you can walk there like you did today. He then said Iām sorry, Iām no good for you, Iām a waster etc. I said I understand and you are right. Then asked me for money to buy food. I said we had food and he demanded that he wanted a take away again I didnāt give in to his demands and gave him the food that was already there. He ate it and has fallen asleep. I have a meeting in an hour and Iām going to go and leave him in. Tomorrow if he wants to drink he gets money tomorrow so he can fund his own transport and just get out of my life for good. Iāve honestly just had enough now. Heās not been mean or name called today. So thatās a positive but I actually donāt want this life. I used to be so happy go lucky and sociable. I have not been on a night out in six whole months or done anything for myself. I just feel so down trodden. Honestly tomorrow when he leaves and I know he will because when he has money in his pocket it burns a whole and he drinks. Iāve became wise to his patterns. Sober, gets a job, gets his first pay check/wage, drinks, loses his job and back to square one again. I just donāt want this life. Iām still young at 33, I work hard, Iām mortgage free in 7 years, a car, friends and family that adore me and most of all a beautiful 8 year old boy. Iām doing this for him and I because I deserve so much more. I deserve the hard working no alcoholic man that is part of a team and doesnāt just take take take. He is a drain on my life. He eats all my food, takes my money, thinks Iām his personal chauffeur and I honestly am so sick and tired of it. I resent him. We were supposed to attend a family wedding this Saturday and you know what? Iām still going and Iām going with my mum, itās my family and my weekend so I will be doing it for me and not pleasing him or sitting worrying about him. I will go, let my hair down and have sociable drinks with friends because I am not an alcoholic. Iām sick and tired. Today is the last straw!!!!
Great replies here and such sound advice. The issues that we all face when are lives are entangled with an alcoholics are overwhelming and without the support of others who have been where we are none of us could make it. I hope you are finding support and help here Natalie. You deserve happiness and love for you and your son. I understand how it hurts so much to love someone who hurts you with words and actions when they drink. Sometimes they do it when they are sober. It feels like a nightmare. Life can be better when we start working the steps. I hope you are finding a alanon group and getting some much needed support. Best of luck.
((((Leonatalie)))) One of the biggest wakeup notices I got from my former sponsorship was that none of the insanity that was going on in my life at that time would do so without my permission and participation and just as importantly I should separate myself from all things alcohol. I did and still do both because they are the tap root for all of the crazy making that comes as the insanity of our disease.
I stopped learned to stop enabling the alcoholic/addict I was with and then left the participation in the disease with my family, her family and my friends at that time. I left my alcoholic/addict wife and built a relationship with my HP and the program and have never broken the relationship.
More importantly I went to college to more completely understand the mind and mood altering chemical alcohol and have not drank since. I came to realize that I was also alcoholic and much more. I will keep you in mind today and will remember you within a native chant I do that asks for wisdom and understanding to live my life well.
Thank you each and every one of you. Tonight after my meeting I looked at my phone and had missed calls, text messages demanding to know where I was, then when I got home I was accused of cheating, called names, I asked him to leave, I said I was calling the police. He walked out the door and I locked it. He continued to boot the door. I pretended to call the police and he left. He had no money. No alcohol on him. Just his jacket. For the three mile journey to his alcoholic friend he called me, called me names, left voice mails. Then posts a picture of my son on Facebook saying handsome dudes school photo. Then messages me on every single social media platform asking if Iām ok? Then voicemails singing down the phone and apologies. The phone hasnāt stopped ringing. Iāve turned it onto silent and this is the last I will entertain him. Even sober I cannot be with him. Itās a death sentence waiting on him to drink and kick off. My meeting went well and itās small and intimate. The people are lovely and welcoming. I will go back.
(((Natalie))) - I did find my qualifier(s) acting way, way worse when I began to change. I could speculate a million reasons why, yet I found it simpler to just remember they were sick with a disease that kept suggesting insanity is normal. So sorry he's reacting to your growth as he is. The more I detached from it here, the easier it got and over time, they learned that I just would no longer engage with the insanity/drama they surrounded themselves with.
So, so glad to here you made it to the meeting and found it loving and welcoming. That made me smile and brought warmth to my heart as that's how this lovely program works. We all support each other with ESH and grow at our own pace, yet together! Thank you for bringing your ESH here!
Sending continued positive thoughts and prayers - (((hugs))) too! Keep working it - looks really good on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
