The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband works at home. He requires internet access to do his job. For the last two days the internet access has been sporadic at best. He hasn't gotten much done. This morning he called me at work to tell me the internet access was down again. I asked him what he was going to do about it. He got a call on call waiting and said he would call me back. He didn't. I called him back and left a message, asking what he was going to do about it.
I went home for lunch. Checked the internet access. Did a speed check. It was slow but moving. I could see where it would be annoying. I asked him again, since he hadn't answered my message, what he was going to do about it.
He looked at me and told me he wasn't going to do anything.
And before I could open my mouth it was like someone shut it for me. Why was I obsessing about a problem that affected me, um, not AT ALL?
Talk about a flashback to OLD BEHAVIOR. I used to keep lists of things he was and wasn't doing so I could keep tabs on him. And boy did that drive me nuts.
I was at a meeting last night, thinking about how when I first got to this program I treated it like a test I needed to pass. I'd learn a concept, study the heck out of it, and then I would never have to revisit it again. Hah, that didn't happen. I used to get all over myself about it, too. Perfectionist me, can't make mistakes. Can't learn anything from mistakes! Well, I've learned I do most of my learning from making mistakes and having to back up and review my occasionally less than stellar behavior. What a gift awareness of myself is. This program gave that to me. I used to hate it. But without it I can't make any changes or move forward.
Time to review some less than stellar behavior...lol. I think I owe my husband an apology! And myself another meeting!! Maybe I'll take a coffee break and remind myself to just RELAX.
I became very very controlling and obsessed with stuff A did before I got here. Detaching was such an art from for me and I do so love to be able to detach and let go of control. Trying to be controlling got me nowhere but totally obsessed, resenting every second and feeling totally abandoned. Of course the main one who abandoned me was me. But I had no idea how out of control I was. Now I do. I try to work on that daily what can I do about certain situations. I have lots of situations besides the A that I could go "off" about. Nowadays I try to brainstorm what can I do and how can I do without losing myself in the process. I find that very liberating.
Of course the A is still out of control but I am not. I think that is an incredible difference. I am no longer losing myself in the process. For me I have to have that strength and I have to have my own integrity in order to build on myself. I have lost tremendously in this relationship, my self esteem, my integrity, my personhood on many levels. I have stopped the loss and stopped the leaking and now I can build up and make better decisions for myself. I just keep building on the decisions one next right thing after another.
