Oh girlie ... I can tell you a legal separation is no different than a divorce except if you decide to divorce you pay out the same amount of money again .. unless you are able to file on your own and I do not know the complications of going from a legal separation to a divorce .. it might be something that could be handled with a paralegal IF you can get a mutual agreement. MINE was not that easy .. in fact I was reflecting on the fact that I got divorced on 10/15 and had to do it again on 1/9 the next year because things were not done.

I don't think you are going to get alimony if he's not working. That's a hard reality. You can't get blood from a turnip if he agreed to the amount then yes you could get it however if he can't pay it then what's the point. Trying to collect is misery. Trust me still dealing with that at the moment. Talk to an attorney I am not an attorney so what do I know. My advice is what you pay .. nothing.

As far as seeing him or don't see him .. I think that for me when I had those moments I dug deep for my motives and looked at what I was getting out of it. Maintaining radio silence for me was the right answer .. it did force a few issues that no one else had seen and once the crazy came out in my XAH's case people said holy crap .. this is what you have been living with? I will also tell you that I did do the hospital thing when my X was involved in a car accident and for me it didn't go well .. I saw what I wanted to see .. that he wanted to get help .. I did not see that his ass was on fire and he was trying to get out of the consequences of the actions that had taken him to the edge.

I am so sorry that the system sucks .. it kills me that people can't get in when they need to get into a facility. My opinion is that these places should have a staff that can do detox .. getting people in that moment is their best chance at finding sobriety or at least planting the seeds of it. My heart aches for him that he's at this place and can't make the jump because of circumstances. I really pray he gets the help he deserves and needs. What are YOU going to do to take care of you? I hear a lot of vulnerability, survivors guilt even as well as pity. Don't mistake that for the pit of potential if only .. if only he could and would get sober and stick with it.

Big hugs and keep doing what you are doing .. I know this is hard stuff .. living life on life's terms is not an easy thing to do because it means hard decisions that can mean someone else's pain in order to find your own happiness. The question comes down to what do you want and checking motives. I keep my motives clean my behavior tells me exactly the next right thing to do.

S :)

(((PnP))) - When there is chaos in my life, that's when I really 'need' to do what I can to quiet my racing thoughts and my mind. I am far from unique, yet I know I don't often think like normal folks, especially with my first set of thoughts. I have a list with me always with our slogans and Easy Does It, First Things First, Keep It Simple and When in Doubt, Don't are my go to in the 'heat' of the drama.

It is really, really easy for me to overthink and complicate everything when I am raw. This program gifted me with a higher power of my understanding and I practice conscious contact every day so when chaos rises up, I feel less alone. The program has gifted me with fellowship, support, steps, prayer, meditation and more - I just struggle to 'go there first' and have to decide to go there.

Taking care of self for me is not natural or automatic. Like many other things, I have to practice it. I am so grateful for a sponsor who can tell me if my self-care is selfish or healthy. She can help me look at my motives and ensure my action is pure. Each time my guy(s) were in treatment or jail, I waited to be asked to visit. I learned this as a result of showing up, getting rejected and taking it personally. In early AA recovery, it's recommended to try to avoid slippery situations - don't go where there will be temptations to use. I've borrowed this often in Al-Anon and will avoid situations that may affect my serenity/sanity unless or until I am spiritually fit.

Ironically, what ends up happening with me when chaos happens, I have to go B2B - Back to Basics. This takes me back to Step 1 - where I'm reminded how powerless I am over people, places and things. I check on my own sanity using Step 2 and check in with my HP on Step 3. Mini Step 4s help me consider my motives and my actions and things often become more clear.

I love that the program tells me I don't have to do/decide/act today. I can heal/deal in my time with HP and that's OK. Self-care is always a great choice and feeling more comfortable with this as action gets better with practice. Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers!