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|First and foremost thanks to this message board. I have not been able to get to meetings as I have been sick, so this message board has been a life saver for me.
Last night the ABF started drinking and I read a comment from a member, about using EAR PLUGS! Well, I did last night and it was a life saver, thank you ear plugs for who ever invented you, you have saved my sanity last night. I did not have to hear the ABF drunken self talk.I had a good restful sleep, and this morning he was still drunk and I got myself together and left the house for the day. I went to the steam room and did some shopping, a way to get out of the house and take care of me. I felt so good to get out of the house and away from the ABF. I returned to the house and he started the drunken argument with me, and following me around the house. I ran to the basement, I hid for a moment, as he followed me downstairs, and when the way was clear, I set myself up in the bedroom where it is so cozy with my ear plugs in, so I do not have to hear him upstairs. I love you ear plugs, this cozy basement I had designed for such times, my escape place, and this moment. I am so grateful for you ear plugs. I can have some sanity in an insane situation. I keep saying, his drinking is not my issue, not my problem, not my BS. It is his problem, I can not help him. I have to save myself and keep the focus on me! My sanity!
I feel such peace not having to hear the insane drunk talk, thank you ear plugs! I can have quite! I can concentrate on me. I can even hear music through my ear plugs and not the BS upstairs. I feel grateful! I feel sane for this moment! He does not come to the basement too often, so that is good, he is to drunk. He thinks he is the only one in the house! I can hear him bumping and walking around upstairs, not my problem. As long as he does not know I am here, its bearable. I have a plan B, if he gets violent, I will call the police. I do not care. He has to face consequences of his behavior. I will not take this BS on. The other plan is if he finds me down here and he is drunk, I will leave the house and go to a hotel room for a day or two. Take a break, a much needed break from his sickness. This is day 3 of his bender. I laugh as he had been drinking beer every night, a few he says, and last night he got drunk and remains drunk today. Alcohol is his master! Alcohol is his boss and controls him but he does not see that. He is sick. I just thank god I have a plan B, C, and C and these lovely ear plugs!
Today, I was out and looking at apartments, but for some reason, I just do not feel ready to make the move to an apartment. I am just not there. I just am not ready to walk away from my house! Yes, my house, that I have legal title to. This is where I am today, but that could change. All I know is today, this moment, I am ok where I am at. I am safe, I have my ear plugs to tune out out madness. I do not know how long this safety could be, but for now, its workable. Tomorrow, that all could change. I am focusing on this moment. I am ok, and that is all I can ask for. I feel a sense of peace. I know where the peace is coming from, its from reading daily, hourly sometimes this board and the message of hope. I am grateful for all your words that is saving my sanity!
Regarding moving, a few days ago, I felt this deep,deep urge to move closer to home, which is 9 hours away, from where I live now. To move 3 hours to my home town, yet in the same province. (state) as they have in the USA. I live in Canada. Lately I have had these deep urges to move closer to my hometown. Not sure what that is about. Something to explore. I have been where I live now for 17 years and its home. I am not sure if I am ready for such a drastic change right now.
I decided to follow up with my therapist tomorrow and make an appointment to see her again. I need to do some inner work. I have been sick, really sick for the past 2 years and off work, and there is no date yet when I will be able to return to work, as I have to see a heart specialist next month. I have right abdominal pain bad still. Had surgery last year on that area and found issues and thought it was fixed but its back again. These medical issues make me feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. Yes, I am frustrated, as I want to get back to work and have a life of my own again. To make matters worse, the ABF is off work too, went on EI benefits but that expires next month. Will he be able to get back to work due to his alcoholism? I do not know. I told him clearly, I will not, will not support him financially in any way. I can not afford it. I have to look after me. I am at the point now where I do not care, I do not care at all, if the bank takes the house back due to non-payment. I do not care. I find the responsibility of a house to be to much for me. Its to much responsibility and financially, its to hard. I have to look after me. He can do what he wants, I do not care. If I did not have this house with him, I would be gone, like the wind. All he will see is the tail lights of my car.
Lately, I just want to be free of the responsibly of house. I just want to live in a nice place and pay rent, work, travel, have fun. I am 51 years now, and I want to travel, live life to the fullest, not be burden.
I too, have had the love of ear plugs! Keep doing One Day at a Time!
Namaste
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey Joker..Nice job getting the ear plugs...so sad the things we gotta do, sometimes, to protect our sanity....If that house were in MY name, I would not be the one leaving and re: the yearnings to move closer to home??/ I also have yearnings to move closer to CA....I don't really know WHERE I would call home...MA was home when little adn it was miserable...went to CA to live with my now deceased sister and stayed a long time, then my Ex got transferred to TX naval air station so here we came...I don't really think of this as "home" where my heart is..I am just here...I would if I coudl afford it go to AZ where it is cheaper then CA and be near the kids...I'm just going one day at a time here, seeing where it is meant for me to be at..Where I am meant to live...in the meantime, I am eliminating or distancing myself from the "serenity sappers" in my life and I do feel better and I find myself being able to stand up for me w/out having to be such a nasty B*(&* about it..I can make myself clear w/out being nasty...yaaaay something i noticed this week in me, a good change..take care and they have these silicone ear plugs that are great..I use them when swimming..I can shape them to my ear, stick em in and no swimmers ear..........PEACE
(((Joker))) - I too have found the great gift of earplugs - agree that they are an awesome extended tool!! In the states, we have a quit-claim deed (form) that's used to relinquish ownership of a home. In my first divorce, we used that to transfer the title from two to one. I share as it truly wasn't a huge, difficult, complicated task. Agree with your idea of seeking counsel with an expert. I tend to process better if I know the facts and what choices I have.
Keep yourself safe! Sending tons of prayers and positive thoughts your way - your work in program and on self is shining through!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
