The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would be a crappy partner... even if he gets sober one day.
This is from another member and my goodness, this statement is so true to me. I just had an ah moment. Detachment, possible. Wake up call possible. I see what the therapist I had been seeing means. She says I am not marriage or relationship material because, I am so damaged by my life experiences. I suffer from severe PTSD and have disassociation, where I leave my body, reality. I can feel when It happens, everything goes in slow motion.I leave reality and can feel it. The triggers, it can be anything, yelling, loud voices, alcohol present, a mans voice that is loud, swearing, anger outburst, confrontation, any loud noise anything I perceive as threat to my safety! She also said I am emotionally damaged because of the all the abuse I endured and can not love. Due to all the damage and my need to be in a quite, stable consistent loving, respectful caring environment, either of my own making or to be in a safe relationship, what in the hell am I doing in a relationship that is unstable, unsafe to my mental, emotional, spiritual well being..am I that desperate. I must be. Desperate to be loved, when I do not even know what love is myself. I have no idea what love, honest true love is. In fact I do not even know how to respect anyone. I just feel anger all the time. Anger, rage and want revenge. I have no business what so ever in being in a relationship with anyone as I have no skills, no communication, how to treat a man good. loving. to be there. To show love, kindness, appreciation. In fact when I look at my ABF all I see is rage and hate toward him. Hate, that I got him in my life. Why I am with him, no idea. Its like I regret my choice and I have no business being with him. I do not have anything good to say about him to anyone. I say only how bad he is and I hate his guts and I wish I never met him. That is how I talk to others about him. I do not have anything good to say about him to anyone. If he is so bad, why do I stay then..I must be just as sick as him, worse ,maybe. If I am so unhappy, why I stay..I just can not say anything good about him to anyone. I put the poor man down all the time. The other day, he said to me, do you not have anything good, positive to say.and my answer was no, I have nothing good to say to you or anyone. I am that miserable, sick in the head. I was shocked, as I have been miserable, its seems all my life. The only time I am happy is when I alone and living alone. The therapist said I am so guarded that I do not allow anyone to get close to me and when I they do, I shut down and get angry, to push people away as closeness means pain to me, deep pain. I am afraid of closeness. That is what it is. I just do not trust closeness. Somewhere in my growing up years, I learned that closeness brings pain and abandonment, be on guard, be careful. I feel I can not trust the ABF, I just can not trust him at all with anything, not even my feelings or thoughts. Its not safe, it will be used against me. I want to move forward, not stay stuck or going in circles as I am. I guess, I see myself as having all the answers, I know best, I know, I know. I hate being controlled and I want to be in control, have my way, as I know the way. I am stuck in old patterns of control. I learned to be a survivor and I still live in that mind set. I do not know how to let go and just go with the flow. I have to be one step ahead. I have to know before hand. I can not let myself have no control, as no control means failure, fear, will die. I have to say, I am doing the best I can today and this statement, wow, makes me see that I need help, help, help. I am not an island. I have work to do on me, work to see myself as a beautiful human being just like the next person. So back to why, am I torturing myself, hurting myself. I know I do not want to be in this relationship, I have nothing to give, so why do I invest my time and energy to make a broken man whole. It does not work. I have to face reality, he too is broken and can not give what he does not have. I can not make a stone give water. I have make myself whole. I can not depend, look to the abf. He has nothing to offer. I have to get myself better, do what I can for me, get my needs met elsewhere. I am not all sunshine and roses in a relationship, I have no business being in. I have to face reality, the hard truth, I am damaged and need to learn skills I never learned. I need to work one me. Be around healthy happy people who can teach me how to love, laugh, live! to teach me what a relationship looks and feel like. I do not know. Once I learn these vital skills, maybe, just maybe, I can be in a relationship. But Right now, I just need to develop a relationship with myself and make it the best it can be, put me first! I have just woken up to this realization. I need to love me passionately, I need to fall in love with me so I can treat others well, kind, loving!
Hugs, Joker. Your post almost made me weep! I believe it was me you quoted...it was hard for me to realize that me, the person who gave and gave and gave in my marriage would really end up being the worst partner for my estranged AH. But it was me being honest. I have been damaged by years of dealing with his addictions... it is time for me to work on ME!
Sounds like you are realizing that you are worth the time and effort it will take to work on YOU! You are so worthy of love & respect! But really, it needs to come from within first... and it sounds like your eyes are opening to that! Courage to you on your journey!
Namaste!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
What a powerful post. I think everyone of us here working this program can relate and see ourselves in the sentences you write in some form or another. As we change through working the program we start to learn who we are, what we need and how to get those needs met. I am finding this can be painful at first and sometimes what feels like a loss is really just a chance to gain something better for ourselves. What you wrote may feel like a struggle to you, but what I read reveals that you are indeed working through some very real issues and striving to make progress. Keep working at it! Hope you can find some much needed peace. Have a great week.
Hugs, (((joker))), your inner work and new awarenesses are truly inspiring, and I hope you keep working on yourself to get better and healthier, it looks great on you :) I too am learning to love myself, it didn't really occur to me to even try working in that direction, working on myself, taking responsibility for my happiness, before Alanon. Now at the very least I know I'm going in the right direction. As for being damaged, I don"t like this word, but damage has certainly occurred in all our lives or we wouldn't be here. However sick I was/am I'm getting better as long as I work the program. Its amazing and I'm grateful for this gift of progressive sanity :) Keep coming back.
I have read your posts for a long time now. Something is changing for you. Your awareness is keen and you are sharing with a lot of clarity. I was sad for you before because I thought you might not stop suffering, but now I feel hopeful. Seems like you are having some awakening. It sounds very hard but I just wanted to say to keep pushing...
((Joker)) Great honesty and awareness.
I was so pleased when I was advised that alanon was not a self improvement program but a self acceptance one . I heard the beginning of "self acceptance" in your post so believe that you are on your way. Keep on keeping on
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I pray that I may keep my eyes trained above the horizon of myself: I pray that I may see infinite possibilities for spiritual growth.
Aline - I just had to post that I love your tagline of 'progressive sanity!'
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Seems like an awakening Joker, you have some clarity about the reality of your situation instead of the blinding anger and resentment that kept you locked in to seeing only the alcoholic and kept you firmly in victim role. I was so happy to read your post, very powerful and honest. This is where recovery is, in the searching inside us. Its nothing to do with the drinker, the drinker was never able to free us, even in sobriety. Can you get to meetings? seems to me now is the perfect time for you, go listen and share with those who have walked this path.
Arguing with an alcoholic is like arguing with the wind. It is very very compelling, almost addictive and they do a lot to pull you in. Once you see it is very very hard to keep on doing it.
