The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As long as u focus on ur A (sober, dry or not) u are feeding the disease.
Just read this from a post and its oh my goodness, this makes complete sense to me. this is my part in the insanity. I am focused, focused on the ABF, his behaviors, actions, words, thoughts, insane thoughts, drunkenness, drunk talk, listening to his drunk talk, his fantasy, his dreams, being there no matter what, tolerating, accepting, his drunkenness, leaving and coming back. I am part of the problem. I have come to be treated like crap and believe this is love. He treats me with no respect, and I say this is love. I feed the disease by being around it!
How do I change my behavior, I need to leave the room, the house, the moment he starts talking to himself because he is drunk. I need to leave the room the moment he starts to drink, let him face himself. I need to have my safety plan in place the moment he starts to behave like he is drunk, because I know what will happen. I need to stay away from the house as long as he he drunk and drinking. So it means, I need to go to a safe place, a hotel, till he is sober. That hotel stay could be for 2 days to 1 week depending on his binge. I see he wants to be the star, the big shot, he wants the focus to be on him, he wants to do all the talking, since he is the smartest man on earth, the most sane. He wants to be the center of attention! If I am there, he will talk to me and drive me nuts, or I leave and have sanity and he has none to talk to and try and impress, but himself.
As I write this, the afb is having a beer as he watches tv, typical behavior till he gets drunk and insane and nuts! I do mean nuts, to the point he is seeing and hearing things that are not there! Its very scary, as he yells, screams, goes ballistic. My plan is the next time he does this, and if I am around, I will call the mental health team and they can deal with him, as I had enough! I am laying in bed right now as I write this and plan to go to bed soon. I am understanding the insanity slowly. I have to remember, what is my part? Its giving the disease attention and focus, and being there as it goes nuts! Solution, remove myself! Get away from it!
I hope I get a good night sleep tonight. I will tell the ABF to not bother me tonight. I need to tell him this when he is somewhat sober still. If not, I am in for a hellish night, with no sleep! I know the game!
(((Joker))) - great awareness and great share! Hoping you did get some good sleep - keep working it! Looks great on you girl!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me the not bothering is by my behavior. When the alcoholic neighbor tells me how sad he is that he has no detergent to wash his clothes. I say very little. I try not to go into even irritation which is a very hard thing to do.
I don't tell people not to bother me because that seems to be a red flag in their face to bother me. I just do not respond to them in the way they demand.
Personally for me it is very very very difficult to keep removing myself from an alcoholic. I lived in a house with an alcoholic landlord. I stayed away a lot from that house. That was a huge inconvenience for me. No matter how I stayed away when I went back, there was his alcoholism in full view. By staying away I detached but it was at huge cost to myself. I knew this man for almost 20 years it took me a very long time to acknowledge his alcoholism. He had me convinced the problems were all mine!!!! That was pretty something.
When I have to stay away from something or put in a boundary it makes me rethink a relationship. Recently a co worker's actions and some of the things he has disclosed made me look at the way I talk to him very very differently. I had to change up the way I spoke to him, how long I interacted with him, what I expected from him.
Boundaries change all the time in any relationship. I watch my boundaries carefully. I make adjustments. I revise my expectations.
The tools of al anon are very very useful in so many situations.
I used to hate the whole subject of boundaries because I wanted to merge with others so much. Now I relish them. I feel more and more confident about my ability to be pro active rather than reactive.
Being aware is a first start. For me every day I am stumbling on a new awareness. I give people a tremendous benefit of the doubt then walk into problems.
The better my boundaries are the smaller my problems are.
Good for you for learning this! It is the hardest part to learn, but it is the center of what we say in Alanon..... This program is not for the alcoholic. It is for YOU!.
But it is so hard to not "see" the alcoholic. It is all around us and the alcoholic loves to be seen. That is how they are controlling and manipulating us.
You have done the hardest part by becoming "aware". Next you have to "accept" how it has affected you and what you have done to stay around it and feed it. Then comes "action" and what you will do to stop seeing and reacting to what you see. And eventually you will stop seeing and reacting. I have become the master at ignoring. ( I have to be careful to not have that bleed over into other social situations.) But, if I am going to stay here, I have to protect myself.
