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I am completing my Legal Separation papers this weekend, and plan on turning them in sometime next week. I have also been reading the posts on Separation vs Divorce.
I am currently wondering why I am even considering a separation... why not make it a divorce?
6 years ago, I was in this same position... except my husband's DOC was Meth. At the time, his family rallied around him (mine too) and was able to convince him to seek treatment. It was a state or federally funded place b/c his drug use "magically" wiped out all our savings. But, it helped him get clean, and he worked his program. Until I let him move back in.
I had boundaries set up. The biggest boundary was that if he ever had a problem with addiction again, I was out of the marriage. Period.
Skip ahead 6 years, and who knows how long he has abusing alcohol ( My Codie behavior kicked in and I stewed in that pot for a long time, and he is a master gas-lighter), and I wavered on my boundary for 10 months! Finally got up the courage to change MY situation and moved out with the Kid. Been waiting to file papers b/c according to his family, "hearing that from me would devastate him and keep him from getting help!" Of course I felt that way too, so went along with that thinking. After a month of limited contact but full contact with his family, I've decided to file. His family have all cut ties - they got fed up with the lies, promises, belligerent behavior, etc.
As I sit and examine my married life, I can honestly say we had 5 great years, a few so-so years, and the rest was pure crap. Not only that, but I know, deep, deep in my heart that I can never live with the possibility of relapse... so I would be a crappy partner... even if he gets sober one day. And I have found that I can only use Detachment so much. It is not a long-term solution... for me. So why am I holding on to Separation?
With a Separation, I can have the cost savings on auto insurance. I can also be on his work health insurance policy. I will also be the 100% beneficiary should anything happen to him.
With Divorce, I get none of that. OK, I get 50%.
But really, do I want to keep asking him for his share of the insurance payment? Do I want the anxiety of will he be able to pay me? Because remember, he is unemployed... so there is no health insurance either. And quite frankly, he is so mentally incapacitated right now... will he EVER be able to return to the work force? There's an unknown!
At this juncture, I feel like I can't even fill out the spousal and child support pages...not sure what to do about those... he has nothing to give right now.
I am told that a separation can easily be changed to a divorce... b/c all the paperwork is already filed. But after filling out these papers, I am wondering why I even want to hold on. I mean, my SIL filed for divorce years and years ago b/c her husband walked around naked in the home! Why am I letting guilt make the decisions for me?
Just a vent. Thanks
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Everybody's situation is different, divorce is not easy. Some people have legal issues that need an immediate solution. When I got divorced my ex was going through a trial and I went right for the divorce because I did not want them taking our house. If that was not happening I might have waited. It still hurt to get a divorce after being together for so long. Ending a marriage is not an easy thing to do. You expect to be together for ever. You have come this far, practicing the pause is always a good thing to do.
Thank you for your ESH, shrnp. I guess I feel that I am 'practicing the pause' too much lately. Perhaps it's because I would be ending the fairy tale... although I knew there was never going to be a fairy tale a long, long time ago!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - I got no experience in this arena yet can share that writing it out for me is often very helpful. My hope is that your vent gave you some peace of mind and emptied your brain enough to get good rest....sending you love and light!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Generally there is a separation before there is a divorce. The separation ideally protects you from the bills. On the separation date you are no longer liable for his bills.
I have been divorced, there was really not that much involved. I did not have a long marriage like you have. Nevertheless the process was long and protracted and the ex husband made a big big deal about it.
Who said it was going to be easy to get divorced.
Some people do indeed recover from alcoholism. They go on to great things. Ironically my ex husband recovered from his alcoholism, has been sober for a number of years. He is thriving. I certainly firmly believe he is still a jerk but he recovered.
I have to say I had a lot of resentment about his recovery because of course he never made any amends to me!!!!
I know I have had endless recriminations myself about the way I ended relationships, about whether I could have made it work, about what I should have done.
I absolutely do not compare my relationships to others anymore. One of my friends committed suicide last year. He had the picturebook marriage (so he said), picture book home, picture book income, picture book hobbies the works. He was finally doing some of the things he wanted to do in his life (so he said). I know things are not necessarily what they appear to be. That isn't a stick I use on myself anymore. Why can't I have that. Really I do know what "that" is.
The image that other people put out about their marriages is not necessarily their "reality".
The bottom line for me for holding onto difficult, really tumultuous relationships was that I did not want to be on my own. I did not want to navigate life on my own. In reality, every moment I spent beating myself up, subjugating myself to someone else's behavior patterns, worrying myself silly about whether they would or would not "use" again was a way I was absolutely abandoning myself.
On my own life is not that easy. I really did want fervently to believe I had a partner by side. With an alcoholic, I never had a partner, I had a problem and many many more problems.
I have plenty of my own problems I do not need to multiply them by a factor of thousands. I embrace those problems in the past because it made me feel like I belonged and was useful and would not be abandoned.
For me the alcoholic marriage was a mirage, at times I looked great, felt awful and was in constant incapacitating fear.
You have already had enough pain, fear and anxiety to last a couple of lifetimes. You do not need to beat yourself up in the interim.
Now is the time to be kind, generous and compassionate with yourself, not the exact opposite.
Wow, Maresie, just wow!! Your share hit home with me. It CA, you do not need to be separated before you can divorce. But your thoughts on comparing your marriage to others... I have always done that. I always wanted something else than what I had. And I carried a lot of resentment b/c all I wanted was a partner in life... and that was NOT what I got. As my son calls it, I had a "Man-Baby."
I think I will be pondering your ESH quite a bit today... thank you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
it's suggested for newcomers (if you are one) to make no lifechanging decisions for several months .. (preferrably til after working the steps with sponsor and face to face meetings) .. it's a suggestion only to avoid lifechanging choices made in moments of confusion or anger (fear worry) we might regret later .. but if physical abuse is present there is a need to stay safe etc ..
there's online meetings here too that might help .. one in the mornings at 9 eastern .. one in the evening at 9 eastern .. wishing you much serenity and more solutions to be revealed ..
such a hard situation .. (painfilled) .. was there many years .. emotional chaos and much confusion ..
if i got the meeting times wrong there is a meeting schedule at the top of this site ..
