The material presented
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i am new to al anon so I struggle with having trust when I see familiar signs my son is drinking again, Two rehabs and both time he returned to drinking within two weeks. This time its been 2 months but now I see those signs returning, the lying, saying everything is fine when you know it really isnt. I struggle with knowing how to let go and disconnect without cutting my feelings completely off.
-- Edited by Jan S on Sunday 15th of October 2017 03:38:46 PM
Aloha Jan and welcome to the board...Being somewhat of a newbie to this there is so much to learn beyond what we already know and suspicion from the start. I had to turn my head off because as a newbie I didn't know anything and didn't even know that I didn't know. I was as dumb as a stick I use to admit and because my denial added to the problem it took me two trips to get into the program beyond the front doors and to sit and listen with an open mind. I knew I was crazy and didn't know why and I wasn't blaming anyone because of it...I was just crazy and didn't know why. The "simple solutions" I thought were valid were not because the disease didn't work that way. It overcame every thought I had, original or not about how to curb or stop it. I didn't even know how to spell alcohol or add the "ism" to it and I thought a disease was something like leprosy. I've been in the AFG since 1979 and I am still learning with this mornings lesson being about the emotional/psychological aspects of it. This morning I had old thoughts about the disease I didn't take as seriously as I should. That is a denial set up...I went to a meeting and laid it out for the fellowship to listen to and feed me back as they could or would. Today I am my alcoholic and I am going to keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Jan, I'm a newbie, too. I really relate to what you wrote.
What I'm learning right now is that all I can do is read my daily reader (Hope For Today), pray, and practice suggestions I get from this board (my only contact with Al-Anon at the moment). Right now it's the simple slogans like "Live and Let Live", The Three C's (I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it), and the altered version of the Serenity Prayer, which makes me laugh every time I say it, because it's so true. It's the one that says "God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it is me".
And when I say practice, I mean literally. I have no clue what I'm doing. Al-Anon is like college for relationships, and I'm in kindergarten, lol.
In my relationship with my alcoholic sister, I disconnect and go numb, I disconnect out of rage, I connect and I'm back in the chaos - all the time. Every once in awhile in there, I have moments where I let go with a bit of love and compassion, and know she is just so, so sick. The only difference between pre-Al-Anon and post Al-Anon is that I've had a couple of those moments of compassion, post Al-Anon. That's brand new.
I'm also learning that it's ok not to trust her. That's been a hard lesson, because every time she gets sober, the hope and the relief that maybe things will get better rises, and then when she drinks again, it's dashed on the rocks.
At the same time, that's the reality of this disease, and the reality is, alcohol turns alcoholics into liars, worst of all to themselves. An alcoholic is the only person that can have a moment of honesty where they can say "I need help". And until that happens, and I actually see trustworthy actions, I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. It sucks, because in accepting that, I started grieving the loss of her. She's gone and has been replaced by alcoholism, and there's not a dang thing I can do about it.
This place helps, because it's here that I've found that I'm not alone - we're all trying to learn to live with this. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son. I hope you find solace and help here through it all.
Welcome to MIP Jan - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. For me, I had to simplify my thinking and focus on self. Each time I would go to 'them' or 'worry' or 'projection' or 'past', I did as suggested above - prayer, meditation, literature, meeting, etc. I heard early on that I can love my person and hate the disease. I held onto that tightly as I began my journey as it really helped me remember that loving another is not wrong - no matter what they've done, where they've been or where they're going.
Practice, practice, practice is all I knew to do when I started getting 'crazy' in early recovery. Most, if not all of the daily readers have indexes in the back. If one can determine what's affecting them - worry, denial, detaching, etc. - one can actually go to the back, look for the topic and have daily readings pointed 'there'.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have detached from plenty of alcoholics including my younger sister. I have not seen her now for over 18 years. I have not spoken to her or given her a card for about 8 years.
I still have plenty of feelings about her. The majority of them are very good, very healthy and very positive. I wish her the best and pray for her daily.
Having boundaries and detaching didn't change one iota of my love for her. Detaching meant I could love her from afar without being totally enmeshed with her alcoholism.
That was a somewhat easier relationship to detach from because there is a physical distance from her.
Nevertheless in general I have to say the more I detach the better I feel about certain people. I can have compassion, gratitude and love for them in a totally different way.
When I am enmeshed and boundaryless there is not too much good feeling involved in there.
Hi Jan, I am not so new to Al-Anon and your post resonated so much. My son is living far away in a sober living house and every time I talk to him on the phone lately I hear relapse or soon-to-happen relapse. I love him and want to be there for him when he says he's lonely and has anxiety. But I'm trying to be detached enough that he seeks help from his sober community. Being far away I don't really know what's going on with him but the signs are there loud and clear.
I know how to worry about him, I'm very good and experienced at that. I also know how to detach, put the focus on me and try to live my own life, shoving my thoughts about him into some side compartment. What I don't know how to do is to love and care about him without becoming overcome with my worry.
I hear people talk about detaching with love but I only seem to be able to detach with indifference. For me and him the love comes with worry, debilitating worry. How do people detach with love when it is your beloved child who is suffering from addiction?
