The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left an alcoholic husband. Now I'm engaged to a meth addict/alcoholic. The two men are as different as night and day. The ex husband was moody and miserable. The fiance is fun, passionate, and entertaining. I've never pushed him to quit because I never saw it as a problem. He is very functional for the most part. I'm not very emotional, and after living with an alcoholic for 20 years, I really don't argue. When my fiance fights around me, he's practically begging me to join the fight, but I don't even know what he's mad about. I just end up hurt and confused. I don't say hurtful things back because I don't fight that way. So he eventually, rather quickly usually, stops and apologizes profusely. In three years, this has happened a hand full of times. He says things that hurt me, but denies he says it. He's even asked me who else I was sleeping with since clearly he "never said that". Note that this relationship is 90% amazing. I'm just currently living in the pain because I'm angry. I've read several posts about the addict claiming he'd die without his loved one and yada yada. I thought I was actually special. My ex never said or did that kind of manipulative stuff. He was more denigrating to me. He didn't adore me and lift me up. He just told me I was a worthless price of shit and that I was lucky to have him. So I am angry that this is just a tactict of an addict and not love. I've never felt so much love and support from another human. He makes me feel really good about myself. I've done amazing things since being with him. And yet, he's no different than any other addict, is he. Putting people in a pedestal...that's just another side of the addict coin, isnt it? We don't live together and he recently nearly killed himself. I ordered him a pizza from 300 miles away and had it delivered. The reason? I was away on a business trip and he decided it would be a good time to break up with me. I Said, "Fine. I'm sick of this emotional Bullshit." He lost it. He immediately changed his tune begging me to forgive him. He claimed he'd been sober for 2 days and he just snapped. I let it go and forgave him. We spent the weekend together and it was lovely...then he went home and did an untold amount of something. I talked him through his fear of dying and told him I still loved him. He has traumas from youth just as all addicts seem to have. He said he was going to give up everything, move in with me, find meetings and a sponsor. I told him I'd support him 100%. Now he's not. It's always a broken promises with him. Now he's going to stay in his home town until next year "because the economy is picking up and my business will finally start to grow!" No mention of a sponsor there. His business would have already been a huge success without his habits. He grossed over $150,000 last year with about 2/3 of that profit. Where is it? Good question. He used to be angry that I wouldn't give up my job and life to let him support me. He's out of his f***ing mind if he thinks I would ever trust my life to an addict that comes to ME for money after making that kind of money. I've never let him hurt me directly. My pain in this relationship has mostly been about what I see him doing to himself. But I'm kind of disgusted that he doesn't realize I see through his Bull***t and really always have. His only saving grace is that he's a great guy 90% of the time. I didn't CARE if he drank or used if he still was a good person and took care of his life. I'm just not controlling like that. And even using, he is far more intelligent and engaging than most people. But he keeps lying to me, and even though I see the truth, it irritates me that he is doing it. Like a parent who can see their kid is lying but the kid just INSISTS he's telling the truth...that's us. All I see know is just another, run of the mill addict with a nicer overall demeanor than others. I'm disgusted.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 15th of October 2017 03:17:24 PM
Hey Old Soul Scorpio (nice handle) - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad that you have shared. I edited the cursing a bit just FYI. I don't think you're an idiot either just FYI.
Addiction/Alcoholism are progressive and while some things present the same, many other things do not. What is usually consistent is denial and fantasy-land-living. This applies to both the alcoholic/addict as well as family member/friends. The disease is considered a family disease as almost always everyone gets sucked into the fray in some way - big or small.
You are not alone. It took me a long while in recovery for me to realize my picker was broken. Using the program to restore 'me' to sanity and figure out who I am in lieu of others really helped me find my inner peace/joy/self. For me, this disease has been in my family longer than I've been alive. So, much of who I was came from how I learned. It's never too late to Pause, put self first, determine what's truly yours and how to live serenely.
Glad that you are here - lying also is a trigger for me. I do not understand the purpose of lying about 'simple things' that are clearly easy to verify but BTDT - Been There, Done That with my guys too. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I just don't know what to do. His addiction affects me only in that it hurts me to see him spiraling. I mean, yes I'm getting more and more resentful that he doesn't spend much time with me, but I'm pretty self sufficient. The thing I'm concerned with is this...I never once pushed him to quit. He says he has never had such love and acceptance. Now that he's even BROACHED the subject of quitting, I'm lost. Do I now push him to quit? I swore I'd never leave him because that's one thing he is literally terrified of--abandonment issues from hell. But then I have no leverage. I know if he loses his mind it's not my fault, but I don't want to see that. I also can't really stomach this lifestyle. He actually said, "if you love me half as much as you claim, I've put you through hell." So he knows. He's said he wants to quit. So what do I do?? Do I push him? Do I leave if he doesn't? Do I call him on his lies now?? The lies are of this sort: "I lost my money because my wallet fell out. I couldn't come because I just fell asleep. I didn't answer the phone for three days because I was busy; quit being so clingy." But HE'S clingy and broken and I don't know if he's serious about quitting or what. If he could, he's absolutely worth standing by. He's a great person. But I don't know if he's serious or not or if I should pursue whether or not he's serious. What do I do?
Alanon suggests that we make no major decision until we are in program for at least 6 months That is because it takes time to process the new tools and practice using them. No one in alanon will tell you what to do but will encourage you to keep the focus on yourself and make constructive choices
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I pray that I may keep my eyes trained above the horizon of myself: I pray that I may see infinite possibilities for spiritual growth.
When my mother had cancer, a disease, I asked the doctor what the next steps for me, as a loved one were. You know what he didn't tell me?? "Nobody will tell you what to do next. Go get counseling and work on yourself for 6 months." That answers the real question as to what addiction is very well. It's not a disease. Even those who push that agenda don't believe it. Shameful.
Old Soul Scorpio - Al-Anon members refrain from advice as we are all on a different path. We offer suggestions only. We do suggest attending meetings, participating in recovery and yes - this recovery program does suggest Alcoholism is a disease. Of course, you have every right to have a different point of view, as do all so we also suggest that you take what you like and leave the rest.
We do share ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope) with each other, and my experience is that until I started this program, I continued on the crazy train with the disease and the diseased. I was not able to find my way without recovery as we were entrenched deeply. Part of this was due to the disease and part was because I had distorted thinking from Family Of Origin (FOO) and living with the disease.
It's in the meetings I found others who truly understood and helped me work the program to find the answers you want/need. You are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Scorpio))))) I read your post and it reminds me how I thought and felt and acted before getting into Al-Anon for real. It took me two attempts because my head was soooo scrambled and I didn't know a thing about the disease aspect of alcoholism combined with the drug addiction my wife practiced and then I made up my mind to sit and keep coming back.
I suggest you read your post as if your were someone else and see what you think about your situation. How does it come out? ((((hugs))))
Addicts can be very engaging and successful. The ride can be exhilarating.
At one time with the now ex A we had it all, cars, a decent home, (made so by me), holidays, money to spend, opportunities to buy lots of things, lots of good things for the future.
The ex A could indeed work hard, make money and do well.
He also could completely go down the plughole. Indeed eventually all his using and drinking caught up with him, substance abuse does eventually take a toll on one's health.
For him it was out of the blue, in reality it was always coming.
At one time the ex A would do whatever I needed, he went out of his way to anticipate my needs. He could be very very sweet, kind and thoughtful.
There was a converse side to that, the lying, the stealing, the putting me absolutely last. That is heady stuff to go from being first to being discarded.
Really the future was never in the picture for the now Ex A. He had no future as long as he used drugs and drank and he knew it.
Whereast the future is definitely an option for me. The constant struggle, chaos and tumultuous nature of our relationship took a tremendous toll on me. I was always exhausted.
I was full of emotions, rage, grief, frustration, and of course I was triggered all the time, on the hour every hour. Getting a decent sleep in the middle of all that was pretty much impossible.
For me personally I had to find a way to be self reliant, I kidded myself I was before. I had to make a concerted effort to take my health back. It was not a coincidence that I had not one but two life threatening illnesses while I was with the ex A. These days I am all about my health, how I am going to improve it and strategies to do so.
At one time, the ex A did make some effort to help me with my health issues. He did go out of his way to do that. Nevertheless what was my initiative turned into something that was all about 'him" and his
needs. I was paralyzed with inertia about that issue for a long time. Every thing with the now Ex A involved turmoil, even when it started out as a positive future thinking initiative. He turned it into a morass of lies, contradictions, upheaval and chaos. In the interim, he looked really really good to outsiders because after all he was "helping".
I am often stymied by issues these days (because I am alone) I am no longer paralyzed and over whelmed.
Some alcoholics look great to others, the ex A looked great to the neighbors, to the entire community we lived in. I was labeled the crazy one.
My health issues were minimized by him. After all he had rare life threatening illnesses (all caused by his addiction).
That whole situation was a nightmare but it started out so so good. I found someone who appeared to care, who wanted to help, who wanted me.
What he really wanted was someone to blame, to use and to manipulate into taking care of him.
I don't believe these days that someone who is hell bent on self destruction can "love' anyone. After all they do not "love" themselves.
