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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> It is frustrating to not know what "normal" is
Post Info TOPIC: It is frustrating to not know what "normal" is
maria k


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It is frustrating to not know what "normal" is
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Hello All.  I have been married to my AH for 25 years. All this time I have always known that things seemed somewhat "off". We never seemed to be like other couples. I've also always known that his drinking habits seemed to be unlike those of anyone else I knew.

As a naïve 24 year old it never clicked in my head that he was an alcoholic. It's only in my middle-aged wisdom (and after witnessing his appalling behavior on our recent vacation) that I can finally clearly see what the issue has been all along.  The man I married is an alcoholic, and he has been an alcoholic all his adult life.

I understand the need for me to detach from his problems and concentrate on me and my needs. My frustration is that I don't know what "normal" is. I don't know if what I consider to be "taking care of myself" is actually me being selfish. I don't know if what I consider to be healthy detachment is actually me being cruel and uncaring. I don't know what it is like to be a part of couple that does not include an alcoholic. 

It's hard to know what my own recovery needs to look like.  Because life with an alcoholic husband is the only adult life that I know.  

I know that there are no real answers to this.  But it is helpful to vent.  Thanks for reading my vent.  smile

 



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tracig


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I am right there with you, maria k. It is very confusing to know what healthy boundaries should be. I don't want to be uncaring/hateful/selfish to my AH as I do love him and want to help him. But I want to help me also so where is that line? I hope we both are able to benefit from this board and face to face meetings as well.

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MeTwo2


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It is frustrating to not know what "normal" is
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welcome to alanon .. as in meaning .. that's most of us .. for an alcoholic relationship ? not knowing what's normal .. is probably pretty normal (common) ..

best suggestion we can give is to try face to face meetings .. if you haven't already .. but there are online meets here in mornings and evenings too .. been through the relationship many years .. find the best way to know what recovery 'looks like is to begin by working toward it .. with meets listening sharing sponsor reading learning .. still definitely moving through the 'process .. would say looking at us isn't so much about being selfish .. would probably be a little more about breaking denial .. getting honest with ourselves god (however we see god) and others and learning about alcoholism in relationships (both parts) helps .. hope you'll try some ..



-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 15th of October 2017 12:32:36 PM

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Freetime


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Welcome, Maria, from another "late bloomer" -- I also felt for many years that something was "off" with my husband's behavior, but never dreamed it was alcoholism, even though the evidence was right in front of me.  Spoiled vacations, awkward social events, actions that don't seem normal ... been there!  And some of my thinking was definitely not normal or sane.

A crisis brought me to my first Al-Anon meeting, and there I began to find the answers to some of my confusions about how to take care of myself in a healthy way. It's a step-by-step journey.  No pun on the 12 steps intended biggrin , but working them with a sponsor and also on the Step Work Board here has been worthwhile.

Keep coming back!  I believe the support and understanding of others who have walked in our shoes is the secret to serenity.



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Iamhere


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I can share that when I arrived at Al-Anon, self-care felt selfish because I had neglected 'me' for so long. What I discovered in my home is if I took a walk, got a hair-cut, went to a meeting, lunch with others, etc. -- nobody really was too concerned. I started with small things and progressed.

As far as what normal is - not always sure of that. I am one who tends to learn what I like and what feels comfortable or mature by process of elimination. Glad that you are here and asking questions - it will possibly feel selfish yet it is true that we are unable to love others until we love ourselves. I always thought that was hogwash until I worked through the steps and started healing. Keep working it!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
DellaElle


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I don't what "normal" is either, or healthy. It's a lot of stumbling in the dark, and like Iamhere said, it's a process of elimination. And it gets really uncomfortable sometimes to fly blind like this.

I do know for me that boundaries are uncomfortable to make, but get easier the more I set them. It feels selfish, and/or I'll feel guilty, like I'm hurting the person, or I'm afraid the person is just going to abandon me for asking or stating what I need. Ya know, the stuff I learned in childhood. It kinda helps to know that's where it came from, because then I can see it was the software that got loaded into my brain, not the operating system - if that makes sense. It means the sub-routines can be reprogrammed.

I found some people I trust who keep repeating "That's healthy", which helps me get brave, buck up and set those boundaries. I stumble and bumble and get too harsh or too soft. I have set boundaries, actually shaking from head to toe from fear of what would happen (nothing - no yelling, no abandonment, calm "Ok"). It's just that now, from practicing for awhile, there's something new - I like myself a bit better. Like, I'm learning that I can take care of myself. I don't necessarily have to wait for the other to treat me better in order to feel better.

Just sharing from my own experience.

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