The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I usually write about or refer to my AH as my qualifier. I also have a daughter who struggles with depression, anxiety, and self medication with alcohol. She is all over the place with her moods and over the years she has gone to therapy, been on and off meds (she is off now and refuses to go back on), attended recovery programs and gotten involved in church. Currently, she is definitely struggling with her periods of being in a "good mood" getting shorter and shorter.
She has been married for 4 years and wants out....claiming she never wanted to be married and basically claiming that if she was on her own, she would be much better. I seriously doubt that as she had trouble with the law and was just as much as a mess when she was on her own. Her poor husband.....nicest guy you want to meet and he has been so supportive.
One of the problems is that she posts so much negativity on FB. It's disturbing and embarrassing, frankly. I have recently blocked her again for my own serenity. Many months ago she and I had a very long discussion about her mental health. You know.....one of those discussions where you think you might be getting through and they might follow-up on suggestions. I actually had her lead the discussion on what she has tried, what she hasn't tried, what has worked and what hasn't. She promised to give it more time and try to seek out care for herself so that any decision she makes comes from as healthy a spot as possible. When she left, I actually wrote it all down in a journal and gave it up to HP.....I knew I had been there for her over and over and over and I have tried and tried and tried to get her to get more help....she's in her 30s! I wrote that I had done my best and I was letting it go.
Of course, it is rearing its ugly head again and I KNOW I need to just LET GO. I simply feel I have done what I can, said what I could, etc.
So now, I feel I will be a bystander to her implosion, end of marriage and striking off once again to seek the happiness she will not find doing NOTHING about her situation. I realize that mental illness prevents people from seeking and behaving rationally......so her not seeking care is not uncommon. As those of you know who watch your child suffer and be their own worst enemy......it is just awful!!!
Just needed to vent and continue to give it up to my HP. She also has her HP that she used to depend on......I can only pray that she reaches out again.
Hi Iām new to this site struggling with AH who I love very much Iām learning to love but detach myself from the disease I also have a daughter at 8 who is suffering from anxiety I worry about it Iām going to try and get some tips on helping her through it Iāve been reading a lot online we can only do our best stay strong and keep smiling your not on your own sending hugs
(((Ellen))) - I hear you and am so sorry for the state your daughter is in. I so understand where you are as well as how darn hard it is to let go! I have decided that my HP wants/needs me to learn more as 2/3 of mine are currently sober and yet the chaos/insanity continues.
For me, I am able to accept better some days than others. I am finding myself in need of a 'detox' from my children. While that sounds so 'cold' it truly popped into my mind yesterday. I wanted it, I needed it, I asked for it and then - what did I do today? I went 'to the hardware store for bread'.
So - I am working on accepting all - me, them, status, etc. - just for today. I tend to get down on myself when I revisit that darn hardware store and I need to realize I am human, it is normal to want a loving relationship with my children and they just aren't 'there' yet. I have to add the 'yet' or my mind will go down the dark path.
So - I hear you and can relate. I am sorry for all of us who are just trying to do/be/have some semblance of normal. I am sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers for peace.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I forgot to share that I'm watching the Chiefs game and of course, am also cheering for them!!! I've still got a chance for a 'win' - almost half-time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good for you. Sounds like letting go is the answer. I had to let go if my distorted viewpoint if my children. I believed I kind of owned then and should control them and their lives and they're actions reflected on me and my mothering. All this was false. My children are human beings on their own path mistakes and all. All I can give is an example courteous kindness but no help or advice. The minute I use the word should I'm not giving them dignity and uve crossed a line. I have no right to assume I know better and to predict their future us arrogance and so all of it is mine to change. Our children are perfectly where they should be.
I wanted to add that I know how hard this is. We are emotionally attached to our children. Fear can dominate and is destructive. It's easier when we view them as equal human beings with the same right as us to make a mess or not of their life.
Letting go is very hard. I am actually going to get a necklace with a key on it with let go on the key because I need to remind myself every hour to let go.
One way I do not get over involved with other people is to be really busy.
I really get occupied.
I know I put out a lot of misery at one time in my life. When I was depressed (which was all the time) I let it be known.
I certainly had to get a lot of help (and medication) to pull out of a depression.
Now I don't put out the same negativity but I could because that is how I learned to relate.
Indeed when once a sponsor suggested I write down three things I was grateful for I was pretty much insulted.
Grateful for what?
I think for me the bottom line is knowing I did the best I could. There is a different line for the best I could these days. Best I could doesn't mean I have totally exhaust myself in the process.
Best I could means I get to take care of myself too
I was brought up on the ethos that I have to take care of everyone else. Now I don't. Taking care of me is an honorable thing to do.
Hi El
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and her situation. I'm glad you have reminded yourself to let go. For me, no matter who I am dealing with it is always the answer. Let go. Sending you warm hugs!
