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It's been about 4 months since I discovered my AH was also having an affair and kicked him out of our house. The 3 kids and I have adjusted pretty well. I realized that my life is so much more peaceful without the alcoholic drama and chaos of staying up nights wondering what he's doing and when he's coming home and without constant schedule changes to accommodate his drinking plans. And I was alone most of the time anyway before because of his job and his drinking so really I feel my life has improved greatly. *Back in July he told me that he was going to quit drinking with me or without me and I had thought maybe he hit his rock bottom and would find sobriety. That has not happened. He continues drinking although not as much as he did before. * Now he is saying that he can quit drinking "at my side." So basically he's saying ignore I will take him back, he will quit drinking. I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Everything he ever promised to change was a lie, including his promise to quit drinking in July. I think if I were to take him back I would end up being the drinking police (or more likely just kicking him out again since I have too program now to play drinking police). * So I am refusing to take him back. I KNOW this is the right decision based on everything I have learned from Al Anon and based on looking at his prior behavior. But I still FEEL SO GUILTY about it!!! Not for my sake (because he treated me pretty badly) but mainly for separating my kids from their father. He still sees them daily but it's not the same as when he lived here of course. And he's been very open about the fact that if I do not reconcile with him, he will be moving away and then I'm sure he will not make much of an effort to be in their lives. *I just had a realization as I typed that--that when I re-read what I just wrote, I am not the one separating him from his kids. I still allow daily contact. If he moves away, that's HIM separating himself from them! I am interested if anyone has any ESH to share on dropping the guilt, which I just can't seem to shake.
"*I just had a realization as I typed that--that when I re-read what I just wrote, I am not the one separating him from his kids. I still allow daily contact. If he moves away, that's HIM separating himself from them! I am interested if anyone has any ESH to share on dropping the guilt, which I just can't seem to shake."
AWESOME, Jayle... you already found the key... it is HIS consequences... not yours. But I do understand the guilt. Reading others ESH is what keeps me in that "guilty place"
I don't remember how old your kids are... but my ESH is have an honest conversation with the eldest if you can. My teen became so happy after we left!! He is a different kid altogether! I was so amazed by this that I sat down one day and asked him to be completely honest about the situation. And he was. Turns out, all my "hiding and covering" for AH didn't fool him one bit! Living in that chaos was hurting him big time, but he was reluctant to say anything to me. Any time I feel guilty or waver about going back, I think of my son's changed personality and I stay strong!
Personally, I am glad you don't believe a word he says... he's driven by the disease of addiction... and you know how that works now! Stay strong!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks for that PnP. My oldest is only 9. So even though he's quite a bit younger, I'm willing to bet that I wasn't fooling him either. The funny thing is in 4 months he's only asked once when AH is coming home. He was never home anyway so my son hasn't even really missed him. Another thing my AH is doing that I think is HORRIBLE is that he is completely refusing to have ANY contact with my oldest (because he is not his biological father). I have tried to get him to spend some time with this child when he has the younger two (who are biologically his) but he will not do it! He says "I only have the two with you so that's all I'm spending time with." What a jerk! It really shows his character or lack thereof.
(((Jayla))) - love the processing and your arrival that the relationship that does or does not exist is not up to you. I did not leave my AH but he was checked out completely when active in disease. He existed on another floor of our home and was not actively part of their lives many days.
I came to Al-Anon with tons of guilt. For me, working the steps helped me determine what was my part and how to become a different version of me. I also was able to let go of much of that guilt as my rational thinking returned. It took me a long while to realize I was not responsible for the actions of others, only for my own. I found peace working the steps and practicing the program.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help always in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jayla - yes, my son has pretty much acted the same way. He never asks about him, never responds to texts etc. Before I decided to separate, I spoke quite a bit with my son about the options open to us... he basically said that "Dad very rarely engages with me, and never attends any of my functions... I basically forget that he is here unless he is yelling at you." Sheesh!
The other day he asked me if my AH and I divorce, would his last name automatically go to mine! How sad.
BTW, my ESH is that I told him, "No, that is not how that works. You will always be the son of your dad. However, when you are 18 you can legally change your name to anything you want!"
BTW, not that you need any validation about this, but your AH's stance on your eldest not being "his kid" is really the lowest of low-a$$ moves! I think no contact with him is the best thing for your eldest... with perhaps some age-appropriate addiction knowledge, so that he truly understands that it is NOT his fault.
Sending you support and Hugs!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
