The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so full of anger for the woman whos been in my life for 3 years. she's an alcoholic and she's lied and treated me very badly.
Ive allowed her to do that. I've never been treated so badly but made the excuse she was ill and that she didn't mean it and when she was better everything would be ok..
ive told her I don't want to see her now but we work together so I have to see and speak and text her sometimes. i can be nice as pie to her but then inside I'm absolutely raging. If I explode at her she will probably drink and her family will blame me.
Im no angel I've been having an afffair with her. I've struggled to Come out as being gay to my family. She's started drinking again and just cut me off. she's moved IN with a woman and has new friends who are helping her she's said and she's just cut me off. She's messaged me quite a lot say she misses and loves me but when Ive tried to ask why well why you behaving like this and cutting me off she goes quiet.
do I tell her how I feel and not sPeak to her or do I pretend that I'm not bothered and act cool when I see her
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless, Alanon is a recovery program for family members who need a program of recovery due to developing many negative coping tools while living in the insanity of the disease .Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
Welcome Carly to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I recall early on and have to remember often that expecting rational, logical conversation with an active Alcoholic is like going to the hardware store for bread. I align with Betty above - this disease is progressive and powerful and no human power is large enough to fight it.
We (Al-Anon members) come to accept that we are powerless and all we can truly affect a change to is self. Friends and family of Alcoholics don't often realize how this disease reaches out and affects us. Yet, we 'see' more clearly when we seek out support, help and recovery for ourselves.
I encourage you to attend some meetings. Before recovery, I tried everything for a long while - pleading, bargaining, crying, screaming, etc. - I found my way only when I leaned into my own recovery.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Carly, I relate to your share with all the behaviors your girlfriend has done to you, and also the amount of anger, resentment, obsessive thinking, etc. I tried to fix my spouse, and I just found myself in a deeper and deeper hole of mal adjustment and misery. I came to Alanon to learn how to fix her. I found out I can only fix myself. And that's what I've been doing for the last 4 years - fixing me with program's help.
To anyone in love or involved with an alcoholic, I recommend giving Alanon a chance to heal yourself . Down the road, you can make decisions about her and you. Alanon is a life-preserver so grab hold, Lyne
I realized today that I am so resentful towards my alcoholic husband. We had the most connected, close, interrelated relationship, full of passion and love. Truly we felt we are soul mates if there is such a thing. Iāve never loved anyone like this before, and my late husband and I were deeply connected and married 14 years.
But this disease. I have tried to detach for my own sanity and care, as instructed by Al-anon (which has been helpful in quite a few moments.) We are together as a couple and he is very plugged in and involved with support through his recovery (heās been sober 5 months.). So thereās hope. But Iām having to find a life of my own so that if and when a relapse occurs that may have bad consequences, I donāt get taken down emotionally with him. But even his ādry drunkā episodes have severely damaged our relationship, which has driven me literally crazy. How can I endure this?
But Iāve wanted to share his joy, and his pain. Iāve wanted to be his helper as he is mine, easing each otherās burdens and wiping each otherās tears. But it feels like detaching from him requires me to not feel the depth of love I once had for him. Itās shallow. But I know they may say donāt detach from him, just his actions. But I donāt know if I can detach from his actions without detaching from him. I want to keep loving my husband deeply, but Iām so afraid to!
Your reply to the initial post is speaking volumes to me today. If I had somewhere to go I would pack up and be gone. I think my husband has been drinking again and I am mad, angry and hurt again. I am still very new at this and I know this takes time for ME to use the tools to help me but I am struggling. I find that coming on here helps and I will continue to do so. Thanks everyone.
This may be going on a limb, but I wonder if you chose an emotionally unavailable person (alcoholic) because you are unavailable (closeted). When I came out AND got myself right, I stopped settling for other damaged gay people. So...what to do with her? Doesn't ultimately matter that much. What are you going to do with you? You got enough on your own plate without taking on her issues.
Aloha Carly and welcome to the board. Whew!! I read your post and all of the replies while listening again to the story of my own recovery....where I came from, what I found out and what it is like now. One thing I am so very grateful for is those parts and the part that reminds and remembers me about the AFG...Al-Anon Family Groups. What has been spoken to me about the disease and how to recover from it has mostly all been true and what I had to do was apply my best efforts to learning it and practicing it on a daily basis. Each and every time I hear that definition of alcoholism as cunning, powerful and baffling and which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence I nod my head. Each time I hear my former sponsors (deceased) voice telling me to "duplicate what the winners in Al-Anon do and then practice, practice, practice" I know I have just gotten the best and most powerful suggestion to get and stay sane and sober myself.
You will get your solutions thru the fellowship as all of us have been thru what you are going thru now and learned from others how to overcome the anger and much more. Part of how and what I learned came thru lessons with my sponsor(s). I hated anger because anger consumes me powerfully and quickly and because I react so quickly I (without the program and my Higher Power) will lose control of my mind, body, spirit and emotions which are the personal locations that the disease attacks. I become a person I don't like and I struggle myself back into sanity which requires work.
The opposite of anger for me is acceptance. When something happens that I have no control over I accept the truths and facts of it and remind myself I am powerless over it which might be the best solution for me. When I do that I just relax and let go and practice being non-judgmental and mercy and other behaviors that help me to not being contentious. When I get contentious I should be locked up away from the family and public (lol).
Find out where and when we the Al-Anon Family Groups get together in your area. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book and then come out and find out what we do. (((((hugs)))))
pinkchip that helps me too in general .. i chose the alcoholic male partner in my life because i was closeted as in isolated (very limited with love courage hope trust serenity faith hope) .. my world (closet) was so small i am reflecting now on how i made him biggern god .. hmm deep breathe sigh .. thanks for sharing that .. i miss him still to this day but grateful to read this line ..
