The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before Alanon I thought the alcoholic in my life was a bad person with no morals who wanted to destroy my life and that of our family. This belief hurt me!!! It made me angry, bitter resentful, fearful. It became a concrete belief and left me a disturbed person with a miserable outlook on life who trusted no-one.
Then I got sick enough of being sick and didnt even know this viewpoint and these thought processes were sick and could be changed. I went to Alanon completely surrendered and open to the fact I needed help and I knew from the first moment I belonged. I learned about the disease of alcoholism and it took me a while to accept it because it can be difficult to discard long held beliefs and the strong desire to be right.
Gradually my view of alcoholics began to change and I got to see them not as bad but as sick like I was and when I got to the point of looking at myself honestly I began to see that the behaviours I spent years complaining about in the drinker were the exact same behaviours I found in myself. I was also a liar, manipulative, attention seeking, full of self pity, immature etc. The whole worn out list I carried for years of all the things the alcoholic had said and done, that list applied to me too. Big big revelation, not too comfy either but awesome and freeing.
Today, after over 5 years in Alanon I have empathy and compassion for drinkers, don't get me wrong I am also aware of the destruction the drinking can have on me and my life so I chose carefully the time I spend with them but the bitterness, anger resentment hate for the alcoholics in my life has mostly gone and I can feel empathy and compassion but have boundaries and don't let myself become hurt by them. All through Alanon, its such a gift and its freedom that's what this program offers. It can be hard to come here and see that people are really stuck in viewing the alcoholic as almost sub human, laughing at them, calling them names etc. I do understand because I was also like that too but its hate filled and angry and part of the sickness and mostly I hope they got freedom from that viewpoint because its like wearing hate filled and bitter glasses with which to view the world and I know the pain that brings.
El-c, your share is important and it's one that I struggle with. I also became sick and have improved after 4 years in Alanon. I have stayed with my A and we are finally engaged in addiction treatment as a couple. She has been sober for 5 months and seems to be waking up. I think although I forgive her, I still carry some resentment. A's can participate in treatment. A's can get tons of help and work on sobriety. I know it is an illness. But I had to take a drastic step, I've bought a condo near my son an hour away from our house, and it helped my A wake up to reality. But for the last 12 years, so much damage has been done that my son and his wife are not speaking or seeing my A since 12/16. So I can forgive, I can't forget, and it is a disease for which there is abundant help, that many are not interested in. So I think I have to work on this issue more so I can drop my resentment, Lyne
Great powerful share El-Cee! My experience aligns well with yours too. I readily admit that one reason why I stepped away after my first meeting was because there was some of these exact perceptions in the Al-Anon meeting. Coming into Al-Anon from the AA side, I did know that I didn't need recovery that affirmed my distorted thinking about As.
I know now that those who hold onto the beliefs that A's have the choice to be sober/active are not good for my recovery. We all accept and recover at different rates and I fully understand that. Yet, when these perceptions are alive/well in recovery, it hurts me personally as I'm one too!!!
We had our meeting yesterday and a new to our group old-timer attended. She was stepping up her meetings because of extended family events, and said that she's struggling far more with the untreated Al-Anon members in her family than the untreated As. It truly gave me cause to pause as this has been true with some of my family as well. I've learned in recovery how to detach from As and having to apply that to more than is often perplexing for me!!
Lyne - I hear you and so get it. There have been countless days in the last 10 years where I've just sat with self and wondered why some recover sooner than others. For me, this leads to my own crazy-thinking of bottoms and why those are different and all kinds of 'other' that's just not within my control. I can share that with time, many of the broken family issues have changed - they are far from perfect, yet all are willing to tolerate others for the greater group. I have one brother who still avoids me like the plague and I've been sober almost 30 years (and made direct amends). I respect him enough to leave it alone and just try to continue living amends always. I am closer with his children than with him and it's OK - my family had every right to disown me for many choices I made when active. They did so for a long while - I was dis-invited to ALL family events including holidays, weddings, funerals.
Time takes time and I believe that so long as I am focused on me, and doing the next right thing with an open mind/heart, my HP has all of this on his radar. (((Hugs))) to all - I'm grateful I no longer have to be the judge/jury for each event that happens in my life. Yet another hat I've retired, thanks to recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can certainly understand and empathize that alcoholics are sick.
I also know full well that if I am around them for a certain period of time I become sick too.
No matter how much program I have and how much therapy I have and how much I understand their behavior can be absolutely infuriating.
I am speaking of not just within an intimate relationship. I worked last year in a situation with a co worker who had his own "issues'.
He went from being a very pleasant person (probably too pleasant) to a total tyrant. Needless to say he got away with his behavior.
I certainly cannot rid myself of all the alcoholics who are around. I would have to live as a hermit to do that.
Nevertheless I know personally if I am around the chaos and divisiveness and self destruction an active addict/alcoholic brings I get pretty angry.
Anger is sometimes not very pretty. I know I have been very angry at certain people in my life when their behavior affected me in ways I could not control.
The only way out for me personally was to express that anger fully and understand how hurt I was.
Eventually over time that anger subsided but so did the person's influence on me. I generally put in a lot of boundaries when that anger came up.
There are certain people I go out of my way to actively avoid, compassion or no compassion, I am not willing to allow their behavior to pervade my life.
I have family members who are alcoholics who have been in situations which were difficult. I had to weigh very carefully if I wanted to get involved.
I have a great deal of compassion for people who suffer but my self image no longer includes helping those who might hurt me in the process.
I have to curb my overwhelming desire to "help" and turn it back to myself. The number one person who I have compassion for is myself.
When I was angry at the last A I dealt with there were plenty of people around who told me that I should not feel like that. Nevertheless it was that "feeling" that seemed totally disproportionate to the
situation that allowed me to take actions that stopped the constant chaos I had to endure.
I don't have a problem with anyone being very angry at an alcoholic. What they do with that anger is key. Sometimes it takes immense anger to detach and focus on yourself.
I feel a great deal of compassion and empathy for the alcoholics in my family. I understand their pain. Nevertheless I choose very very actively not to be involved with their chaos and
chronic self destruction. If I were around it I know for certain I would get angry, resentful and confused.
These days I choose pretty carefully who comes into my life. I no longer stumble on people I need to "help" or empathize with. I certainly understand their issues but I don't invite them into my life to act out those issues any more. Getting to "no" for me involved being able to process some very nasty, horrible, rage states that were very difficult to navigate. If I had not navigated my way through those states I would not be in a position to say "no" when I am tempted to begin "helping" someone who doesn't want to be helped again.
Thank you for this share. I have been mad for so long and you bring up some valid points and truths that definitely applies to me. I like to think of myself as compassionate and loving, but you are right I am with everyone except the A in my life. I just wrote on this board awhile ago how angry I am and now I read your post and I feel a little different. Maybe with time I can learn and use the tools that can help me live and recover from the life of loving and living with people affected by alcoholism. Your post really opens my eyes to just how much I need alanon. Thank you again for such a great share.
