The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My landlord is about to start work on the shed behind the house. Nothing seems to go that well with the landlord who is undoubtedly from a dysfunctional home. I have asked him many times to be really super clear about what he needs, when he needs it and what he needs specifically from us. He seemed to do better with that. I got better about detaching. Nevertheless I'd have to say I have some anxiety and some resentment about the whole process.
Lately I have been working on having compassion. I know his wife came from a dysfunctional family. She inherited the property from her father who was an alcoholic. He died an alcoholic in full dramarama. They are still reeling from that on many many levels I know that. I used to talk to the landlord about that. I now choose not to talk to him too much because too many boundaries get blurred and I need to have boundaries around him after all it is a professional relationship. I need to be particularly clear about boundaries. Mylandlord has blurred them, I have blurred them and it was a sea of resentment for a while there and nearly became a crisis. I can make it into a crisis though of course because after all my whole life has always been one crisis after another. I just choose these days not to have as many of them!
My boyfriend works with some people who live in the neighborhood. One of them is connected to the people next door which is one of the reasons why the shed has to be fixed. The people next door have complained a lot about the code violations on our property and they must be complaining a lot because the code inspector came down like a ton of bricks on the landlord. I can go overboard on that one rather than try to detach from it. I do know they did complain though and some of it is in retaliation for lots of stuff including petty things about space and my pets. I can find a lot of resentment about the boundary blurring that goes on around my boyfriend. He can go into idealizing certain people and denigrating others and I just observe it now rather than take it on. Of course he has also alternatively idealized me and then denigrated me. Another neighbor who has done a lot for him on many levels of calming him down is not in a one down position with him. He does not appreciate that neighbors dysfunction (he is an alcoholic after all same as my boyfriend). I do not even comment on it now when he brings it up so gone are the days when I was hopelessly overinvolved with him and his friends but it has been a very very painful and disruptive journey for me to get there.
So for me this issue with the shed is a forum to practice boundaries. Boundaries with my landlord, boundaries with the neighbors. I am not going to talk to them about it (the shed). Boundaries with my boyfriend too because we have had tremendous rows and arguments aroub boundaries and requests to the landlord (life is never simple with a codependent and an alcoholic is it?). My boyfriend has lots of stuff in the shed. I don't have any (needless to say in case you guessed it yes my boyfriend is a pack rat too ). I have some tools (some gardening tools out by the shed I am going to move them. I am going to try to look at this (after all it is a short term proposition rather than a long term sentence although I can make it into a crisis) as an opportunity to practice boundaries. I am going to look at it as a way to retool my program and be more proactive for myself. I am not going to magnify it, resent it or make it into a crisis. I will let you all know how I do.
In Oregon there are specific laws about a landlord coming on your property. He/she has to give you a 24 hour notice that they are coming onto your property. They cannot just walk on it and mess with YOUR shed.
There are specific laws a landlord must follow as far as your articles in the shed. He may legally have to make arrangements to remove your stuff for you and pay to store it while the work is done.
This way there are no emotions or boundaries for you to make. Stick to the laws. There are also laws for the tenant. If you don't want to have him there a certain day, you may have to write it and give it to him. Have a good reason.
Oregon actually has a free pamphlet. Check with financial aid and see if there is a pamphlet of California Landlord/Tenant law.
Too bad there isn't one for A boyfriends... love,debilyn
I do know the law and am really aware of the implications. I am really hindered by my own codependence and by the boyfriend. Of course I have also been careful not to have any of my stuff out there. I will be removing my gardening stuff tonight. Why invite the possibility of stuff going missing?
I can get all caught up in how the boyfriend makes it difficult for me. The issue for me is that I get overinvolved and then get resentful and now its time to stop that pattern. There is no time like the present for changing patterns. I do not have to be overinvolved. It is not my shed I rent it. The shed is his. I have been really clear in writing that I need explicit instructions not implicit instructions. I can do no more than that. I can't try to make over everyone in the world to functional. I do know that I don't invite comments or conversations with him anymore.
I have a feral colony of about 9 cats (they come and go don't they?). The landlord has made comments on it before and I don't answer him. I say nothing I learned that here why get into an argument or a justification with him? He's dysfunctional after all and I am paying to live here I have to remember that not him paying me. I declared them on my lease. They are outside cats anyways so its not as though they are in the house. I choose not to be people pleasing with him. He doesn't have to like and approve of me or even know me. I have this group to know me.
The issue is some of the caretaking stuff I am stuck with. I have to walk my dog and the boyfriends dog more often now because they can't hang out in the back yard with workmen can they. My big black dog would bark at people and that is not something I am willing to get into. She would never bite anyone but they don't know that. So I have to walk my dogs more often and maybe that is a good thing because I certainly could do with the exercise.
