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In the last two weeks with my "a" being home we have spent more time together than we used to. I am more intuned to his lack of intimacy with me and the children. It frustrates me and I have been asking him what are you thinking? or would you talk to me? I have heard that alcohol and marijuana numbs the emotions, blurs the thinking and judgement and does not allow room for the person to express their feelings. I ask HP how do I have a relationship that involves meaningful conversation if he's stoned or drunk? The answer I got... you don't.
He admits that expressing his emotions or thoughts has never been comfortable for him. I honestly believe he is scared to put them out there. Fear of rejection, fear of me getting angry, etc, etc. Some days I wonder if he's doing it on purpose because he knows I want to hear more from him. We talk about the news, the kids, music, fun things, we talk about future plans like buying a bigger house, renovating our condo. We talk about things that are safe and don't involve too many intense emotions. The problem I'm seeing is that we are running out of things to talk about. There are long periods of time when we don't speak at all. I'm all for a comfortable silence, but everyday is daunting too me. I realized last night that he withdraws from the family when the kids are losing it and I'm frustrated. I feel like he's judging me because I'm getting frustrated with my kids. It's hard when he does not intervene to help me. I thought to myself last night, "I wish I could smoke a joint and lay in bed." Of course that's not going to happen the kids would be out the door or in the bathroom having a water party in minutes. So last night I left him alone, I was bummed that he didn't want to eat dinner with us, but I didn't harp on it too badly. So I called some friends last night had some fun talking to them and meditated on how I should handle this situation.
Continuously nagging him for more intimate conversation will only backfire and frustrate him. I decided I will leave this alone and just ask HP to strengthen our relationship and break down the walls of fear he has around intimacy. Does he realize this is a problem? I don't think so. His family is not an intimate family, expressing emotions was not acceptable or safe, so he does not have the skills. I cannot teach him the skills, and it is not my place to change this, it's HP place. I believe in that power, I believe in progress not perfection now. We are not where I ultimately would like to be, but thank HP that we are not where we were a year or even three weeks ago. That's progress!! Last week he suprised me and called me twice in one night. The first to tell me that he has felt guilty about not being able to help me around the house because of getting adapted to his 3rd shift schedule. Then he called again later and said that he realized I needed to hear that I was special and he apologized for the affair and for ever making me doubt that he loved me. He said that I'm the one who knows him and loves him best and he never wants me to doubt that he loves me. I thought that was impressive because he was not understanding my point of view on the subject two days earlier. He said I didn't get it then, but after thinking on it for a couple of days, I agree and get it now. That was all HP not me working in him that night. I went to bed thankful and amazed.
Without program I would be nagging, manipulating, crying, pleading, controlling, yelling, demanding that he talk to me more. I would be walking around the house angry and resentful with out being able to let it go if I didn't have HP and this program to get me through those times. For that I'm truly grateful and expecting good changes in me and my family. Anyone else have thoughts about this disease and the intimacy it erodes?
Hugs to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
As frustrating as this is you are doing well!! You sound good. It is difficult to accept being in a relationship that at times feels very "one-sided". I hope that your HP keeps working (know he will) and you can find comfort and peace and eventually your hubby will be able to open up like you need and want him to. Take care of you!
What can I say to help you other than we are here for you. You have offered me advice, listened to my drama and I am here for you also.
I have found that the Serenity Prayer has helped me in more ways than I could ever imagined. I say it to myself every day. I have finally realized that I cannot change my "A". Only he has the power to that. But I can change me, my situation and every day I find a bit more courage to do that. Maybe that prayer will help you figure out what you need to do.
I have totally different problem with intimacy and alcoholism. In my marriage I put up with intimacy when I didn't want to be touched to keep the peace and finally realized that I didn't want to be touched by a drunk. I feel like it doesn't mean the same thing as when he is sober, and since he is never sober I never get touched. As far as when he opens up, well I don't think men really ever open up, there aren't many out there that really will sit down and talk about their feelings, well thats my opinion anyway, but I also know that much of what they say is in fact the alcohol talking and not the actually feelings of the person inside. So I commend you on what you are doing, and actually try to put that in practice myself. I don't know where this relationship is headed, I'm not even sure anymore where I want it to go but I can simpathize with you and understand.
Keep up the faith, your doing great and really growing.
My husband has always been very open with his feelings, but with the addiction, his feelings tend to be quite self-centered. He loves to talk about his feelings, his love for me and the kids, his dreams and goals and desires. But he can't talk to me about my dreams, goals and anything that bothers me. Maybe as he works his program he will learn to express an interest in how other people feel and what other think.
Hi, I really got a lot out of your post and commend you for recognising that if you push him when he's not ready or comfortable you may complicate the problem. My A's family are also quite 'proper' about expressions of emotion and I don't believe my A learnt the skills or was even aware of the necessity.
My A is now in recovery and we are still having difficulty communicating well and clearly in our personal relationship. We both need to learn more skills and this is something of an issue for me at the moment. I don't want to put pressure on him when he is still re-discovering himself and trying so hard to work his program but I do feel it needs to be addressed. He has never been a great communicator and I over-communicate lol. My A seems more interested in me, my feelings and my needs etc but rarely communicates his, I've sometimes wondered if this is just a way of avoiding his own issues.
I found it interesting how many differences there are in our replies. Intimacy for me is about connecting on a deep, emotional level and meeting heart-to-heart. Intimacy may be a verbal expression, an affectionate gesture, a kind or thoughtful act and obviously, sometimes expressed best in the bedroom. I feel that communication contributes to the level of intimacy. I asked my A the other day if he felt we had communication problems and he agreed. I asked if he was willing for us to get some outside help with it and he agreed to that too. Trouble is I'm not really sure where to go. I don't know whether we need couple counselling (which at the moment we can't afford) or whether there are workshops or courses available. In our case, I feel the relationship is quite solid, we just get our wires crossed sometimes and it causes problems which could have been avoided. In essence what I'm saying is that although alcoholism clearly affects intimacy it also has a lot to do with the individuals concerned; their personalities, their history, the skills they learned etc. Hope this helps.
