The material presented
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Hello. Very first post here. My question is: "Should I just count my blessings"?
I have been married for 25 years. My husband is what I consider to be a functional alcoholic. He has had the same job for 20+ years, and his drinking has never interfered with his ability to go to work each day. He routinely drinks 6 to 8 pints of beer each day. Every day without fail. He says he needs to drink to relieve the stress from his job. Unfortunately, this stressful job is also extremely low paying.
I've told him that I think he drinks too much. He doesn't think he has a problem, because he spaces the 6 to 8 pints of beer out over the course of three hours.
If we have a dinner reservation, he quickly pounds a beer at home before we leave to go to the restaurant.
Last week were on vacation in CA. We had just checked into our beautiful hotel, and within half an hour he was out on a beer run. And he came back with a full case. Over the course of 6 days he made at least two more beer runs, because one case was not enough to have in the hotel room.
He will often skip dinner, and just have beer.
Our son is grown and lives 1,000+ miles away. When he is home visiting or when we visit him, my husband always encourages him to join him in drinking.
We do not suffer financially, because I have a very good job. But I can't help but be resentful of all the money he wastes on beer. (And cigarettes, but that's another story.)
He is not a bad person. He is not abusive. I know that he loves me. He has never been arrested for DUI during out 25 years of marriage. But he was arrested for DUI twice before I knew him.
He had a terrible childhood where he and his siblings were sexually abused, taken from their mother, and put into foster care. He grew up on welfare and food stamps.
We do not fight about his drinking. I just silently watch him do it every day.
I know that other people's situations are so much worse than mine. Should I just be grateful for what I have?
Hi Maria! No one can answer that for you, but al anon can help you feel supported and give you new insights. I can identify with much of what you shared. Keep coming back!
I really could have written most of your post. For years my AH (alcoholic husband) could have been considered a functioning alcoholic. Perhaps by some standards (his) he still is. However, the disease progresses and over time I can see that it is taking its toll....physically, mentally and socially for sure. His first priority is having enough alcohol to get through any day and especially vacations! While I pack clothes for myself, he is counting beers, making beer runs and doing high level math to make sure he doesn't run out. My husband is also a good guy, but with a wicked disease that can mask all of its effects for awhile.
What has saved my sanity is attending Al-anon meetings, reading Al-anon materials daily, coming to this site and connecting with fellow "alanoners."
You are not alone in your situation. It is frustrating and crazy making as we watch what is happening. Working the Al-anon program and its 12 steps is the best suggestion ever! If you haven't looked into meetings in your area, I highly recommend you do so.
Keep coming back, you will get immeasurable support from this MIP family!
Welcome, Maria! My situation was very much like yours ... a long, slow, gradual increase of husband's alcoholism ... no financial problems, successful career, but drinking daily, drinking before going out, choosing alcohol over food, lingering effects of troubled childhood, first priority on a vacation trip was to find the nearest bar... And my misery increased slowly, drop by drop, almost imperceptibly, until I thought I would lose my mind. And I felt alone, but also that other people had much worse problems.
My opinion is that, yes, it is always a good thing to be grateful for what we have. Gratitude is a very big part of our own recovery. But that doesn't mean we don't try to see the difference between what we can and cannot change, and strive to improve our own serenity.
I didn't start in Al-Anon until my husband's health problems due to alcohol were irreversible ... but fortunately, my sanity was able to be restored. My only regret is that I didn't get into the program sooner. Meetings, literature, sponsor, new friends, service, participating in online forums -- all of it has helped me immensely.
Thank you all for your replies. It is comforting to know that I am not alone, even though I feel so alone. I will keep coming back.
There are a few Al Anon meetings close to me, and I am tentatively planning to go to one tomorrow evening. I am very curious to see how my husband reacts when I tell him where I am going and why.
Aloha Maria and welcome to the board. I hope your meeting is very eye opening...At the end of the meeting there is a statement that when I finally heard it went on to saving my sanity and maybe for sure also my life. When you are there listen for, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I too send a welcome to you Maria - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Also glad to hear you are planning to attend a meeting.....this disease presents in many different ways, yet I found a ton of similarities of my 'insides' to other's when I went to meetings. So glad you are here - keep coming back and know that there is help and hope in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, Maria, I, too, want to greet you :) I have many of the experiences you wrote about, and I was pretty surprised how many similarities there were among alcoholics and their loved ones... The situations are different, but the underlying feelings and experiences are often similar, this is why hearing others' experience helps, I think. You are in the right place, and I hope you keep coming back for support.
I have been around very many functional alcoholics all my life.
What I am looking at is my expectations of them are way off.
I am expecting them to be normal when they are an alcoholic.
Then I expect them to realize their problems and get better all because I want them to.
I always railed when people told me to check my expectations.
After all I was in a relationship and deserved to have all the trimmings.
But the fact was the relationship was flawed from day one and I didn't want to acknowledge that.
When I deal with alcoholics now, from the beginning I expect them to be an alcoholic.
I stop setting myself up. I really did not want to give up those expectations it felt like admitting failure but I wasn't really living in reality. I made the reality and then I tried to make the alcoholic fit in.
I was doomed for failure. My overwhelming need drove me. The needs just festered and got much worse the longer I invested so much emotional energy into something that was never going to work the way
I willed it to.
Then I held onto the resentments like they were my only parachute and obsessed about how much I had done for someone who didn't measure up.
