Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Atom · Member

Estranged ex keeps bingeing and making abusive phone calls

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Atom you are not alone, Welcome. Alcoholism is a chronic, disease over which we are powerless. I can so identify with the experiences that you have shared and want to assure you that there is hope and help available.

I found alanon face to face meetings when i reached the stage that you are enduring. The support and constructive tools I received helped me to regain my life and sanity. Please check out these meetings and keep coming back

Atom · Member

Thank you. I'll Google for local meetings.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Weclome, Atom.

I am glad you found your way to MIP. I echo Betty, I found help and hope in MIP and in face-to-face meetings. I hope you will try some face-to-face meetings out. There is a lot of wisdom and shared experience to be found there.

One thing I found to be true for me is that my spouse was going to drink because of the disease of alcoholism. Any reason or justification she could find was just covering up the real reason for drinking: The disease itself.

I tried to find reasons, I spent nearly a decade trying to pave the way to sobriety, make things easy for her to stop drinking, say just the right things, do just the right things, etc. The thing is, she was drinking because she was an alcoholic. And she only stopped drinking when she found her bottom and found her own path to recovery.

Keep coming back. AlAnon helped me find my way back to myself and the life I want to live. I hope the same will be true for you.

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Atom, welcome, its great you're reaching out! I don't know whether you're familiar with Alanon program, but we do not give advice, instead we share our experience, strength and hope (ESH). I've found this a great part of the program, because ultimately nobody else can know what's best for me better than me. I'm with others here in that I also highly encourage you to attend local Alanon face to face meetings, there very well might be others there, as well as here on MIP, who go through very similar things. I read great awareness and clarity in your post, which is awesome! ((((Hugs)))), you are not alone. Keep coming back :)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Atom - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....so sorry for how the disease has affected you and your family. This disease is baffling, cunning and powerful and progresses as you are witnessing. I did find my way in Al-Anon recovery and it's made a huge difference. I struggled to consider I needed help and to do some changing as I wasn't the one with the alcohol issue - however, this is a family disease and almost everyone in the family is affected in one way or another - distorted thinking, distorted emotions, etc...

Al-Anon gave me a safe place to share and listen without fear of gossip, advice or judgement. We share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with others and it works well when we work it.

You are not alone and there is help and hope. I can say that at times when my A(s) were abusive I would block them from my phone. Al-Anon gave me the tools to create boundaries that helped protect my safety and sanity....grateful. Be gentle with you and know that you didn't Cause any of this, you can't Cure any of this and you can't Control any of this - the three C(s) gave me enough hope to continue on with recovery!! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!

Atom · Member

Thank you all!
I've looked up our local meeting - there's just one at 7.30pm. Do meetings allow 8 year old children into them? After all, my son is family of an alcoholic. Or is it frowned upon?
I do think my son , however healthy he seems emotionally, has to be affected by the abandonment, so would benefit from off-loading and sharing. What do you think?

-- Edited by Atom on Thursday 28th of September 2017 02:10:38 PM

Maresie25 · Senior Member

Generally children don't go to adult meetings.

if you really need a meeting there are meetings here pretty much all the time. They are every bit as good as a face to face meeting.

Atom · Member

Oh, I didn't know that! Are they easy to access?

Atom · Member

I've found it! I'm in a chatroom - on my own. I'm guessing the meetings are at set times rather than just any old time?

Atom · Member

Looks like they're 9pm EST every day, That'll be 2am here in UK. Poo.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Atom there are 2 meetings daily and one should be earlier than your 2AM (poo)...I am on the other side of the planet yet we have lots of face to face meetings available. Check with the local meeting in your area and see what they suggest regarding your son. We have allowed youngsters in some of our meetings if they can mind. If they can they can sit in the rooms and learn from the discussions.

Welcome to the board...keep coming back. You are up against and being affected by the most powerful disease known and it is thousands of years old. I am here offers some great understanding of our relationship to the disease in mentioning the 3 Cs. We didn't Cause alcoholism, We cannot Control it and we will never Cure it. Keep coming back. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

Atom · Member

Thank you!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to our group!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. One thing to reflect on is that cushioning your ex's life - for instance, putting up with abusive calls and all that stuff I bet we've all experienced - is a form of 'enabling' (protecting him from the consequences of his drinking). And that paradoxically makes it easier for him to keep on drinking. So setting boundaries and genuinely refusing to talk to him once you realize he's been drinking is the best way to open a path to his recovery. So not only are you perfectly entitled to refuse to talk when he's drunk, but you are actually helping him by doing that. (Not that he will call it helping, of course - in the grip of addiction, the only thing they want is to have their path smoothed. But you would be helping the effort towards him experiencing the real consequences of his drinking.

Take good care of yourself.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

glad you're here with us Atom .. it's the best place to be and yes these meetings on here are good .. I relate to your situation .. I spent years with an addict .. the phonecalls on my end have Never stopped .. to this day i still get them .. i find for me only when i answer less i have less to resent .. but . this person was also 'my' alcohol .. seems i was as addicted to him as he was to the substance .. he chased the drug and my mind chased him .. (in circles) insanity .. the kicker is when i do answer .. i realise i am powerless .. "sometimes" it restores me to ''insanity" keeps me Stuck in 'what ifs .. what if he woulda coulda shoulda .. what if i woulda coulda shoulda .. it's a vicious cycle for sure .. i prefer alanon which restores us to ''sanity'' one day at a time .. have enough to move through inside me to last me a lifetime ..

hope you keep coming back .. it's recommended for newcomers to try at least 6 meetings before deciding if they are right for us .. in other words if a couple don't go well but we keep coming back we may eventually realise our gratitude for being led here .. blankstare aww aww aww smile smile smile

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

will say however my own addict never threatens suicide .. but there was a time when i would hear him say he can't live without me .. oye .. he couldn't live without alcohol .. since alcoholism is cunning powerful baffling Manipulating .. sometimes hard to discern whether he was telling me the truth or just what would work to play on my feelings (manipulating me) .. oye .. i shared so many of my personal thoughts with him through the years that he eventually grew to know me like an open book always knew what buttons to push .. confuse confuse such an overwhelming disease for sure ..

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Thursday 28th of September 2017 11:51:47 PM

Atom · Member

Jerry F - I can only spot one meeting a day here:www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Any pointers as to where I'd find the other daily meeting? I'd love to try a meeting asap

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atom,

Check this page for the meeting times: www.12stepforums.net/schedule.html Look for the yellow box, second box down on the left. There is a link to the chatroom there, too.

9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday
(Open for General Chat between meetings)

And as for the other question, my family meeting frequently has teens who attend. We had younger children attend fora while as well, but that was less productive, as they were not yet teens and were generally unaware of the alcoholism in their lives.

You might look into the availability of AlaTeen meetings in your area. The might be a good outlet for your son. You may also wish to purchase an AlaTeen daily reader for him. (Or maybe just to have around the house for him when he is ready for it.) I would have to drive an hour to my closest AlaTeen meeting, but depending on what is going on, that drive might be worth it.

And welcome to the group!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atom....glad you reached out....I would do as many meets as there are days, and for two reasons...#1, of course the program and #2, there may be others going though or went through the type of abuse you are suffering and maybe those older more experienced folks can give you some of their experiences, what THEY did to protect themselves....I know in the UK there are domestic violence shelters where one can simply get guidance ...1 in 4 women and men are victims of some sort of domestic abuse, and a lot of times verbal turns physical...not saying your Ex may attack, but if I were you, I would be taking measures of never being alone with him, and never let him be with your child w/out someone else there....drunken raging, et al, my mother did that stuff and she turned violent many times....any type of abuse is not healthy and potentially can escalate.....I stongly urge you to get into meetings...talk with other Al-anons...network yourself so you have a support system....trade tel#s with the ones who feel safe with so you have that "go to" button when things get hard with him.....I don't know the situation, but I'm concerned for the young one seeing and/or hearing this............please keep coming back....you and your boy need you to be healthy and stable for his sake.....I feel for you...Really I do...I had that happen to me with the phone calls and even stalking...yea, my first XABF (ex alkie) boyfriend stalked me, and I was doing income taxes for a bunch of biker guys and I told them I was scared..cops didn't do anything to help me, but my bikers "changed my Ex's mind" about stalking me.....never heard from him again.....Sometimes one has to just reach out...and if plan A doesn't work, go to plan B...I tried the police, but they did nothing...Plan B, I told my biker guys I was afraid to meet them at the bowling alley (we had a league and I was on their team and we played against the railroad folks) anyway, I was afraid the ExABF would "catch me" and So I told my biker buddies and they took care of the situation......what I am saying here is that I didn't isolate...I networked myself..made friends...got into the bowling thing, (this is before I knew Al-anon, otherwise I would have added Al-anon and the meetings to my networking with others) Be careful and I hope you can find a face to face meeting...if not?? we got online ones here, but I would if there are no face to face meets there where you are, I would be talking to a domestic violence shelter Councillor and just ASK them what you can do about this harrassment.......IN SUPPORT

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Atom, sending you support and huge hugs!

I just split from my AH and I am contemplating either legal separation or divorce. After last night's angry, drunken texts, and this morning's "everything is rosy" texts, I am leaning toward divorce.

I barely got any sleep last night. I finally had to put my phone on "Do Not Disturb" mode. But I totally understand you in many ways... AH and I share a teen, so I feel like I cannot block him entirely. So I just tell him that when I go to bed I turn the phone off... he seems to understand that as a good reason why I don't respond to his texts and calls. Not sure how long that will work.

Your Ex seems much more verbally abusive... I would definitely contact someone who can advise you on domestic abuse/verbal abuse.
Just know that you are not alone here...

Namaste

Atom · Member

Thank you all x

Atom · Member

Your situation is so current. I always find it unfathomable that a person can be so nasty to someone when they're drunk, then just shrug it off the next day as if nothing happened. I know this is because I don't have the mind of an alcoholic, but still, surely they know inside that it's not acceptable?? They may have forgotten the event, but they would still have the log of texts they sent and must look at those and think 'unacceptable'.

Are you in UK?

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Atom, I think you are responding to my response... No I am in California, USA.

MY AH can barely read his phone texts now... so I don't think he goes back over his texts... and for me to try and show him... forget about it! LOL! I learned awhile ago that was a fruitless endeavor!! I could show him word for word, and he would still argue that he didn't say those things. It is hilariously sad.
PNP

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene