Hi tired .. great question for me too .. those have always been a little vague but this is how I had it explained to me .. a Defect is .. (anything or one we turn to before hp to get our good feelings (unhealthy self esteem worth dignity way etc .. quick fixes at possibly ours or someone else's expense) .. in other words instead of reaching to hp or to others in group to reason with .. step work literature prayer meditation etc .. we turn to say 'compulsive spending or shopping isolating blaming criticizing silent treatments unhealthy reactions drinking eating smoking denial etc .. those we become aware of as we go through step work ..

a shortcoming is more like impatience .. irritation .. edginess .. frustration .. speaking before thinking .. possibly manipulation tendencies .. confusion .. martyrdom .. self pity .. victim mode .. etc .. (that keep us from moving forward in certain areas .. stuck) not the actions more like the feeling behind them .. (reason we turn to defects or unhealthy action) possible example might be: by getting honest we've already begun some of this long before we reach the step because honesty better thing to turn to  .. we'll always have some but we'll lesson the harm we do to others and ourselves by turning to hp First .. or they at least won't dominate us or others as much ..

not sure if this will help but it seemed to make sense to me when I could look at it that way more .. such a fine line .. defects were more about unhealthy behavior .. shortcomings were more about why we turned to it

Thanks everyone for sharing you insights about defects of character, shortcomings, and the Alanon recovery tools using.

Hotrod, great reminder about working the steps and H.O.W.  honesty, openness and willingness. I work it by examining my motive too. For me, if the motive is premeditated, the hope might be to extract a certain outcome and the person is consciously taking the action for that purpose. This could involve making conscious changes in behavior from manipulation to being more self sufficient. It could be identified by honestly working steps 4 and 5. For me, what is rooted within my motivation for doing what I do guides whether I keep exhibiting the same unhealthy behavior or am willing to change. Am I getting mileage out of what I'm doing? In other words, is doing it the easier softer way of getting what I want. 

But I've also found when working steps 6 & 7 that motive isn't always so obvious. I agree Flyfree that behavior can be unconscious. I had lived so long surrounded by others affected by alcoholism and been imprinted with unhealthy ways of acting and reacting. For many of us, our first introduction to healthier thinking and ways is attending our first Alanon meeting and hearing the shares of people who admit to similiar behaviors and situations much like those of us here and share how they continue to work it and are choosing healthful living. But I know it's my hp who is speaking to me then through those shares and continues to do so by way of spiritual awakenings. "I came, I came to, I came to believe," - I might become healthier and more loving toward myself and others through my actions and words if I kept coming back.

As Metwo2's share brings to light, I never have to go it alone. My hp has the power to help me do for myself what I could never do alone. With a shortcoming such as reacting vs responding to a person, place or thing, I really need the help of my hp. As Metwo2 shared there are defects or shortcomings that are compulsive and definitely require a power much greater than ourselves to intervene and help me to move toward healthful change. Thank you Metwo2 for the reminder about prayer and turning to higher power first before turning to compulsive behaviors. As an Alanoner those compulsive behaviors can include obsession, excessive worry, excessive activity, avoidance, isolation and others you shared in your post. Thanks for the reminder that humbly surrendering it all to my higher power can result in serenity, hope and the removal of negative thoughts and actions that have brought pain to myself and others.

Iamhere, thanks for sharing about these two way of perhaps saying that there is something within myself that I would like to change.  I can see how people would respond more positively to the word shortcoming. I think it's a gentler term too. To me it implies a need for improvement which can be possible. To me, defect implies damage. Sometimes the term damaged goods is used. That implies no hope. We know that isn't true of us.

Thanks (((everyone)))) TT

 I was CALLED a "defect" by my father, yea, the freak called ME a defect...I don't know what was worse...his and her putdowns to me or the other abuse....anyway, I don't like that word  "defect"  I have unwanted "survival skills" that need to go...I have wounds/ injuries that affected by perception=emotions=behavior based on those 2......I would rather call my "not wanted traits"  survival techniques or disorders due to the trauma/abuse I suffered ...behavioral problems based on skewed perceptions of my world and problems that arise......bad coping skills....anything but a "defect"  thats just my opinion.....yea, I have "issues" and I am working on them....bad coping skills is what i use most....because that is what it is for me, anyway..and I like Betty's take on the "softer, gentler way"......and to keep it simple......