The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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he said this this morning over coffee. I am going to run to a meeting after work but I could use some ESH from others on this subject. I mean I'm sort of ok with just letting him go, at this point. I am working the program and I know I'll be fine but I worry about my kids. Any perspectives welcome
What I committed myself to doing at the start of the "divorce" was to just listen and then tell her "We will talk later". Best to remember the things he tells you and ask you about and for and then call your sponsor after the meeting. You get to decide...remember that because this was and important place for me to have my program and hold myself in check. God Bless. ((((Hugs))))
(((Beth))) - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I've not gone through this so really don't have ESH. I do know that all 'life' works way better for me when I use the tools as best I can - Self-Care, ODaT, First Things First, etc. We're here for you as best we can be!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So many times I wished my mom would divorce my dad, but she never did. I think it's false that kids are invariably hurt by divorce. Sometimes it's a big relief. If he has been drinking, unreliable, volatile, or whatever, they already know. Sure, the absolute best possible development would be that he'd get healthy and fabulous and stay married and be a wonderful dad to them. My guess is that if that were going to happen, it would have happened already. If they can get some stability and peace in their lives, they have what they need to go on with. That's my experience.
I feel for you. It must have been difficult to hear and even more so to keep it together all day. I'm currently contemplating divorce myself but have yet to make a decision. Even still it would be a surprise to have it brought up during morning coffee.
I'm in the same boat with Mattie. I always WISHED my mom would leave my abusive father but she never did. So I became codependent and have had a string of unsuccessful relationships with abusive/addicted/unavailable men because I was downloaded with faulty programming. I am nearly 40 and just now figuring out what is wrong and how to fix it. Sometimes divorce is the lesser of the two evils.
Hi Beth. I'm certainly feeling your pain here. My AW wants to split up as well. I have been thinking that may be best too but was trying to get a year of program before I made a solid decision. But, things are so unpredictable and chaotic and my AW is physically hurting herself so I think any rational person would tell me to get out.
Thank you so much for your support and sharing everyone! I know it's only been a few days but honestly I've been thinking about this option for about 3 years, well before I realized we had an alcoholic relationship and started al anon. Al anon has already given me lots of tools, for which I am grateful. They are helping me see things more clearly and calmly. The weird thing about our relationship is that we have already been functioning as housemates and co parents rather than as a married couple for about 2 1/2 years. I think it's better to make that our official relationship. (I think he will move out though, which is ok) we are still friendly and things have actually gotten better since we stopped marriage counseling. It helps to hear from people with an alcoholic parent that this could ultimately be better for our kids. I think I'm calming down about it.
So we are a square peg and a round hole as far as marriage goes and I can't fix his issues for him, I can just redefine the terms with him and hope that he gets better someday. He really is a good guy underneath his sickness.
I am glad that you are feeling calmer about this. Your last sentence says volumes to me... you are centered, even though your husband's declaration has thrown you for a loop. Your heart knows what is best at this point.
Even though it has only been 1 month since my teen and I moved out and away from AH, I can already see the positive changes in my kid... he is so much happier! And I think he even respects me more than before!
Each time I begin to waiver about my decision to separate from my AH, I look to my son... his personality change for the better is all the motivation I need!
Sending you support, light & love!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((BethBethBeth))) - love the processing with the program tools - good on you. Continued prayers and positive thoughts headed your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with what Jerry and Betty say.....divorce is usually long process...I would just keep doing my program, working on me, living my life, and step back..let him do what hes got to do and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to get legal advice so as to protect yourself in the event that you do split up......I would be looking at my rights and how to protect me AS I work my program..more meets, more convos with sponsor or recovery mate(s) , more step work......and NO!!! you are NOT alone...
