The material presented
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I'm new here but really need to find a place that I can just let this all go. I've been dating my AGF for about 2 years. There has been many ups and downs to say the least...
Last October we took a break from each other. During that time she started talking to another guy. It was difficult when we came back together because she was still talking to him (and got to the point that she would delete his messages and also at one point changed his name in her phone). I tried to forgive and forget every time she told me he meant nothing and said that she only wanted me. I understand it was partially due to the drinking and also needing validation. I felt that I wasn't being heard on what was happening. It cut every time I'd have a frank discussion about what I felt and wanted in the relationship to feel my boundaries were being crossed.
About two months ago she went to inpatient treatment. The day before she left, she got drunk and called him. There was no sign that she had talked to him other than a voicemail he left stating it was him and to call if she wanted. Well after she has returned it seems like she is a completely different person. She is working the program and working on herself. I, however, was and am stuck. I'm so stuck that we have decided to "take a break." I feel I'm going crazy! I see it as a similar situation as last October (though she swears this is for us to both work on ourselves). I feel abandoned and alone during a time I am greatly struggling to hold on to her (even to the detriment of my own well-being). It seems that while we are apart, I am doing ok... I'm going to Al-Anon, I've bought the literature, I'm doing what I want for myself, and I'm feeling O.K. It's just when we talk or see each other that the old thoughts come back. I feel OBSESSED about looking through her phone, I feel OBSESSED trying to see if I'm being gas-lighted. One recent example (today) was that we were talking and she was telling me that she wasn't feeling good so she was going to take a nap. While on the phone she was upset her dog got into her night stand and chewed up 3 condoms. Now I feel certain there was only one left when we separated, so I feel OBSESSED wondering if she is being true to her word about working on ourselves or if she is having another man over.
I just feel bad and down on myself to think these thoughts. I don't really know what I want or need from myself or from her. Her word means literally nothing (all her "I'm sorry" or "I love you") doesn't carry the weight. The sad thing is, that in the past, I'd get pissed... start not giving a damn.... work out and do what I wanted... and get over everything. This time, I really do love her and want to see this work. It just seems that it's one step forward and three steps back. I don't know if I can really live this whole, living apart indefinitely or if I do get better if there is a future. I just know I don't want to obsess over what I cannot control and right now I don't feel I can control myself.
I really just feel so lost and crazy at the moment. I really wish that I felt better about living one day at a time and letting her live her life. I feel scared and alone during my greatest struggle and it feels I've been abandoned to figure it out by myself. I don't know what the answer is and really just need to get this out.
((((Nice)))) (won't add the rat part)...just a suggestion? Reread over your post as if you are one of us and ask yourself "what is this person going thru and have I learned anything about how I was there"?
I've been there and done that myself including the suggestion to self examine my thinking, feelings and actions. My sponsor taught me the ropes and self knowledge is part of the rocket science of my recovery today. Why was I not liking and complaining about what it was that I was causing myself? She was being who she was and is from the first hour we decided to do the alcoholic dance. The alcoholic's ability to grab hold of "saviors" is historical so why was I complaining about being one of the "Tom, Dick and Harry" guys. I added my name to the group and then left the group. They didn't need another guys to complain about.
Crazy and lost? Yeppers normal for a alcoholism relationship. Trust for me includes the ability to identify and accept reality otherwise I am in denial and delusion.
Reread your post...what do you come up with. Is the guy that wrote it recoverable? In support, Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I did plenty of looking through the phone stuff. You are not alone
I think now it is because I felt so very deprived in that relationship.
Alcoholics do lie. It is not crazy to wonder if they are telling the truth.
I can certainly relate to feeling hurt, bewildered and upset by the now ex A's actions.
I know I just became paralyzed and even more depressed around the hurt.
I think there is and was something about the ex A that he expected me to jump whenever he wanted me to.
Getting to a point where I didn't jump was pretty hard stuff. For a long long time he called all the shots.
I know the suggestions in al anon helped me greatly. Actually detaching was very hard work. Not arguing seemed insurmountable.
Not reacting seemed absolutely impossible.
I make a point these days to limit the stress in my life, limit my stressful interactions with certain people, protect myself.
When I am around an alcoholic I can lose all that in a second.
I value myself in a way now I could not then but I did get to the place of feeling all the concern, care and focus I once gave away until I was completely drained.
Welcome to MIP, its great you are reaching out. I'm sorry you're feeling crazy, I know the feeling well and its not a place anyone wants to be in. If you haven't attended face to face Alanon meetings, I encourage you to find one and attend. I was reluctant to go at first, like many here, but meetings provided something that is incredibly valuable when I first came, completely out of my mind, most of the time - fellowship that understands. I kept being surprised that others feel/felt like I do, think/thought what I do, I truly had no idea the loved ones of alcoholics share so many similarities, and it convinced me I'm not alone and isolated, that I'm one of many who have been affected by this disease, and, moreover, that there really is help available, as was evident by the warm welcome I received from people who had lived through a lot, and still they smiled and seemed genuinely OK, content with life, normal :). The fellowship has been and continues to be a blessing. Keep coming back here as well and share your journey, I'm glad you're here :)
I remember thinking to myself that I was driving myself crazy. Like you I obsessed about infidelity and my trust was broken. Trying to get close to my husband again was, and sometimes still is, really difficult for me. That is why I really had to knuckle down to work on myself first. Rather than pretend that I was ok and try to stay strong for 'us' I reached a point where I simply had to work on my sanity. For me this involved doing stuff that was good for my self-esteem because, frankly, my self-esteem was smashed!
I started with cosmetics (possibly not so relevant for you ), then I moved onto an old hobby and skill that I really liked and had ignored for many years, I took some lovely holidays, and then signed up for an on-line course and last year I went to University - all for me, all so that when my time is over I can look back and say that I made the best of things and that it was fun, regardless of some of what was going with my husband!
Some of what you are experiencing may be gaslighting but trying to find out if it was drove me nuts - so eventually I made a big effort and stopped - when my mind would go 'there' I would ping an elastic band that I wore on my wrist for a few weeks. The gas-lighting stopped when it stopped affecting me by the way. If I felt better in myself when I was on my own, or spending time with friends, then that was where I went. I found meditation helped me to find a quiet place in my mind and from that place it was easier to think more about my next right steps and less about my husband.
When trust has been broken it is so easy to fall into those obsessive thoughts that plague all of us who live alongside alcoholism. I remember sometimes thinking how much my mind seemed to like a puzzle, it always has really! There is a reason why my trust was broken, these things are real me-thinks, but taking responsibility for everything was one of my faulty traits. Blaming others has never empowered me much though. So acceptance and the realisation that I do have choices and taking back control in my life by listening to my helpful instincts helped a lot.
It is one of the most difficult things I've been through, but the rewards have been great. I have learnt to trust myself and not worry about what others are doing - it is my experience of them that counts for me. It took effort and Al Anon tools helped me a lot. Also, I did a lot of thinking about why I wasn't comfortable with the way I was reacting and I traced that back to some old issues and managed to learn from them as well.
Your post reminds me of where I was at when I first found this board. It was a horrible place to be but I can honestly say things have got better, much better! I hope you keep posting - you are asking some good questions. Take care of yourself.
PS . Have you come across the phrase "keep the focus on yourself" in Al Anon yet? That became my mantra!
PPS. Your post just got me thinking and I have to thank you for this thought... One thing that thinking about my husband's lover has never achieved for me was a better relationship. My decision has to be whether or not I associate him so much with that time that I can't relax and be myself with him or whether I can let that issue drop into my past and replace it with the creation of new, more positive, memories.
Not sure if that thought is helpful to you Nice, but it made me feel calm so I thought I'd pass it on here. Thank you.
I too welcome you to MIP Nice - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can so relate to the swirling chaos that my brain creates. It certainly was a reaction to 'life' around me and while the obsessions for me can be really extreme, it is logical to loose trust in one who betrays. We learn in recovery to feel our feelings but not allow them to become facts - it's a process that comes about as we practice, practice, practice.
I struggled to get a hand on my thinking, reactions, feelings, projections big time before Al-Anon. I had tried everything from exercise, yoga, therapy, and more and yet when I really hit a bottom and decided I was miserable and desperate enough I tried Al-Anon. In Al-Anon, I found others who could relate and had ESH that helped me feel less crazy and less alone.
I lean into the fellowship when I am crazy now - it does help to have a group that can provide local support. I too suggest meetings if you're not already attending and a sponsor/step work if you are. Each time I have another 'bout' of insanity, I feel it's a sign that I've got some processing to do.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
), then I moved onto an old hobby and skill that I really liked and had ignored for many years, I took some lovely holidays, and then signed up for an on-line course and last year I went to University - all for me, all so that when my time is over I can look back and say that I made the best of things and that it was fun, regardless of some of what was going with my husband!