The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my husband has is a crack addict who's been using now for at least 6 weeks. he's living with a guy from his work who is also a crack addict.we are seperated as of 6 weeks ago.today he says to me that he's living with a crack addict.well duh. but i don't say this.then he says that he's moving back to his mother's house. where all his brothers and sisters hang out and do drugs and drink on a daily basis.he has had no contact with any of them for almost 2 years.so i'm pissed off. he was heading towards a bottom and his mother just had to rescue. she has never done whats best for him. ever. she did some really awful things to him as a child. now i know that this is his decision and although he asks me i just say that i don't have any answers because i'm not in his position. i refuse to rescue him or tell him what to do so that i'll be happy.but i am so mad. i so want to call her up and tell her off and tell her what would be best for my husband. but honestly,i don't know whats best for him. he hasn't seen our girls for 6 weeks. they miss him so much. he calls them every so often. he always always looks for a woman to rescue him and one always does if i don't. i just want this to pass. i don't want to feel any of this. i don't want to be drawn in to the drama. and the only reason i would be is because i don't want to focus on my own life. my father is dying and it is so hard to just sit and watch that and not be able to do something. and i hate looking at the girls because they have also lost their father.they just don't know it or see it that way. and yes their father might just make another recovery. he's done it before a few times. it is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut and just sit here.i know these feelings will pass. but to sit with them is almost unbearable.i have a f2f tonight but that's not till 8. i am just filled with rage and hate. and when that happens i have the worst time trying to refocus. any esh would be greatly apperciated.
Well I can definitely relate to your issue. My boyfriend hangs around many many people who are addicts/dealers whatever. I refuse to have many of them to the house. He is always talking about how irritated he is by some of them. Well they were good enough for him to use with.
I have had my own real rage issues with his mother and it was really difficult for me to detach. I would say that not having any contact with them helps. I need to not talk to his mother under any circumstances because I may say something I regret later. And it is none of my business at this stage. I can deal with my own feelings about her but his feelings and his issues with her are his to manage.
I do hope that you manage to go to our chat room. That is a great place to be while you sit with what is going on for you. There are people there who will understand, care for you and be there for you. You do deserve that. I am so glad and joyous that I found this place after I quit getting mad that I had to find this place of course. This has been such a lifeline for me in bad times and in good. I am so grateful I met many of the people here.
I am glad for you that you have stopped rescuing your husband. Rescue is and was a big part of my relationship with my boyfriend. It made me toxic with resentment. I got completely rescued out dealing with him. I no longer rescue him but I do respond to him. When he had a potential heart attack recently I did not shut the door on him but I did not over react either (for me that was huge).
I am sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I have been there with many many difficult times with the A. The recent one with the potential heart attack was tough but I rode that one out better than I did others. I have this room and I have a program and I have a program of self care that is helping me a lot more than I used to.
I am so sorry. I am also married to a crack addict. He is using now, but he has not gotten to the stage of your husband as of yet. I'm sure that is partly my fault!! I tend to do a lot not trying to make it easier for him, but to make sure the family is taken care of so he benefits from that.
I wonder what it would be like if we seperated. I know he would go to one of his parent's houses, he hates living with them, but he would still be taken care of--they may require more from him--like rent or help with the groceries, but they wouldn't tell him clean up or leave--so he would still have a place to live and childcare for his daughter.
I'm not sure you can do anything. Yes, I suppose you could call her and tell her off, but would that change anything? Would she just all of a sudden have a lightbulb come on and say hey your right--well I'm not going to do that anymore? You really already know the answer to that--if she was horrible to him when he was growing up she more than likely isn't going to turn around now and do the right thing!!! So you would probably just end up more angry and frustrated. These are my thoughts anyway.
I think my a's parents are pretty awful people. His mom taught him how to defy authority and disrespect everyone. I try very hard not to have much to do with either of them. I would love to tell them a thing or two, but I know they wouldn't even begin to understand what I have to say. They would just think I'm nuts! So I just avoid them as much as possible.
I know this hasn't been any great revelation to you. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I hope that something pops into your head that will help you get rid of your anger so you can have a better day. I know it's hard to change your focus when we get so upset. I do wish you peace and comfort!!!!
thank you so much for your words. it may be things that i alreadry"know" but it seems so much more logical when it comes from someone else. thank you for sharing and letting me see that i am by no means alone.
As hard as it is you are minding your own business and letting him make his choices for himself. That way he can't come back and say "Well you told me to..". My seperations with my husband haven't ever gotten to this point but I have a feeling it will before there is any hope of it getting better. I feel for you because even though my a lives with us it is no better than him being gone. I will pray for you, you are showing more strength than I have when I have been slightly seperated.
You know what try not to feel guilty about your children either, its funny what kids can deal with and how resilant they are, I know that I personally have gotten my children into counseling and exposed my 10 year to al-ateen literature, I think it helps, I know that nothing softens the sting of missing or worrying about someone but having a support teams helps. I have Al-anon, and I figured my kids needed something too. But regardless if you love them and support them they will make it through this no matter what happens with you a.
